This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th July 2012.
Why does pet food always have a picture of the appropriate animal on the package? There isn’t a picture of a hungry looking person on food for human consumption. Usually food packaging for people has an example of the product as a serving suggestion. Applying that rule, one could safely assume that cat food contains 100% cat.
Perhaps the picture is to help me identify the human food from the pet food in my larder? Do they realise that I could just read the words on the label instead? I guess it is a payday for some animal modelling agency somewhere. So how do vision impaired people identify those canned asparagus spears from their pet’s tuna and crab mornay?
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th July 2012.
There’s a trend now to release films in combo packs. That’s a blu-ray disc, DVD and digital copy of the same movie in the same package. Why would I want three copies of a film in three different formats? If I own a blu-ray player and have the capability to enjoy a film at home in glorious high definition, why would I want to watch it on my phone or in inferior DVD?
Blu-ray owners seem to be the hardest hit by these packages, which are more expensive than a standard edition. It is worse for 3D blu-ray owners who have to pay even more for a four disc combo. I understand that this may be appropriate for kiddie films so you can have a copy for the kids or the car but the majority of these combos are for adult oriented flicks. My suggestion to thrifty blu-ray owners is to find a friend who owns a DVD player only and someone who likes to watch movies on their iPad and split the cost of the combo three ways.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th July 2012.
Look at the menu of any contemporary cafe or restaurant nowadays and you are likely to find salt and pepper squid. Five years ago this dish didn’t exist, and now it is everywhere. In the seventies, the prawn cocktail was the standard Australian starter and unfortunately for our cephalopod friends, they too have become a favourite on our tables.
In a way, the existence of the same entree at every dining establishment makes it easy to determine the quality of your restaurant. Simply order the salt and pepper squid. If the dish is good, then there’s a good chance you’ll have a great meal. If the squid gets your thumbs down, make up some story about the babysitter getting sick and get out of there. Pay for your entree, of course.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th July 2012.
I’ve really been enjoying this current season of Masterchef. Based on the latest ratings, it looks like people are finally starting to tune in during these final weeks of the competition. I was addicted to the first season and I think that this year has been just as fun. The contestants are likeable (I’ve learnt what happens to disillusioned physiotherapists) and the format is familiar and comfortable.
I’m so used to the Masterchef format that I’ve become immune to their cliffhanger commercial breaks. No longer do I get frustrated when an important announcement is interrupted by a fireball explosion.
In fact, Masterchef has started to creep into my real life. This morning, when I got to the front of the queue at the coffee cart at work I simply made a fireball whooshing sound and then came back three minutes later to tell them what I wanted.
The show has also been useful for expanding my culinary vocabulary. I now know that caramelisation means to burn something, a roulade is a sausage made with clingwrap, a klosh is the sound it makes when you drop it and a deconstructed dish is what happens if it gives you food poisoning.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th July 2012.
Am I the only person in Australia who had never heard the word “permeate” until this past week? I popped into my local corner store the other day to pick up some milk. This particular brand of moo juice I chose was covered in labels announcing that it was now permeate free. I had no idea what this meant but took the time to tell the lady behind the counter how pleased I was to no longer be charged extra for permeate.
After a moment of disbelief, she did correct me. Apparently permeate is an additive that is used to dilute milk. I no longer drink milk, but when I was growing up, the only additive for me was milo, and lots of it. Nowadays, there seems to be so many different permutations of milk products that I wouldn’t be surprised in the existence of additives.
I did try milk straight from the cow on a Rural Youth excursion to Gloucester in Year 7 and I’m certain that absolutely nothing on the shelf tastes like that. Just for the record, I did use a cup to drink the milk.
The marketing advantage for that particular brand of milk didn’t last longer than a week or so because on a visit to the supermarket today, I noticed that almost every brand now has a sticker declaring the product permeate free.
Of course, a label stating that a product doesn’t contain something is not necessarily proof that it was ever there in the first place. So in the interests of marketing, I’d like to proudly announce that this blog is now sulphide free.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 26th June 2012.
As a pop culture fanatic, I love to collect memorabilia, in particular, signed items. I’m not really interested in trying to make money by hanging onto these autographs until they appreciate in value and then sell them off. I’d rather put them on my wall as a reminder of an encounter with an artist whose work I admire.
Of course, it is not always easy to get an autographed item. Famous actors don’t tend to wander the streets very often. Most of my prized possessions are photos signed at pop culture conventions, such as Supanova, which was held in Sydney last weekend. The celebrities that attend these events tend to be stars from cult TV shows or movies, and most charge $30 or so for an autographed photo.
There’s plenty of signed collectibles available on eBay, but you never truly know if the autograph is legitimate. In the US, it is estimated that 90% of autographed items sold on eBay are forged.
So how can you obtain authentic signed items without travelling around the world stalking your favourite artist? The good news is that some great signed collectibles are available directly from musicians and actors websites, and not all of it will cost you a fortune.
I’ve previously written about my admiration for The Beach Boys. To celebrate their 50th Anniversary Tour, you can purchase an uncut proof sheet of their new CD artwork signed by all 5 surviving members of the band, including Brian Wilson, for only $500, directly from their website. If you fancy a limited edition signed surfboard, it’s a bargain at $6000, and there are only five out of ten left.
One of my favourite albums ever is Paul Simon’s Graceland, which celebrates its 25th anniversary this year. Currently available from Simon’s online shop is a deluxe bundle which includes the Graceland boxset, the album on vinyl and a limited edition poster personally signed by the master songwriter. This bundle is only $250 and great value for cashed up Paul Simon fans.
Geeks rejoice. Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, sells an array of signed items on his website. My choice would be The Shat’s latest album, Seeking Major Tom, which will only set you back $95 for an autographed copy. I’d also recommend that you admire your signed CD and not actually listen to it.
Holy superannuation fund Batman! Everyone’s favourite Batman, Adam West, is still making a living from his iconic role from the sixties. Direct from the Adam West Store, you can grab a signed vintage art movie poster from the 1966 Batman film for $35.
If musicians float your boat and your budget is tight, then why not add a exclusive lithograph signed by Nelly Furtado to your wall? It will only set you back $25 directly from the artist herself. If you prefer your music and politics to the left, English singer songwriter Billy Bragg will put his pen to a copy of his Mermaid Avenue Complete Session CD boxset for $35. For the eighties tragics, pop queens Debbie Gibson and Tiffany will sell you a genuine signed photo for only $20 and $15, respectively.
Proving that you don’t have to spend a fortune to collect an autographed item, the cost of a cup of coffee is all it takes to get Guy Sabastian’s John Hancock. A signed copy of his latest single is available via JBHifi’s website for $4.
Whether it cost you a couple of bucks or a small fortune, or even a few hours hiding in the bushes in the Hollywood Hills, the true price of a signed collectible is its sentimental value to a fan.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 3rd July 2012.
As a child I thought that whenever I went to the beach, I’d know if a shark was coming because I would hear the Jaws theme first. Da dum, da dum. I definitely had not seen the film at that time, but I still knew what those two simple notes played on a tuba represented: a primal, relentless man eater.
In fact, it actually represents a disobedient, rubber, hydraulic shark named Bruce. The stories of Steven Spielberg’s shoot for Jaws, his second feature film, are stuff of Hollywood legend. Shot on location on Martha’s Vineyard, production was hampered by delays and glitches. Platforms sank, boats took on water when the actors climbed aboard and Bruce never worked properly out in the open sea. Over budget and one hundred days over schedule, Spielberg thought he would never be given the Director’s chair again.
Of course, Jaws went on to be a box office smash, the first true summer blockbuster. As for Spielberg, well, you know what happened.
My first experience with the Jaws franchise was completely out of chronological order. Somehow, I managed to convince my grandmother that seeing Jaws 3-D at the now defunct Hoyts Roxy in Parramatta was a good idea. This was in 1983, so 3D movies involved a pair of cardboard old school glasses. I’ll never forget the terror I experienced witnessing a severed arm floating out of the screen at me. I screamed when the mother shark silently approaches the underwater control room window and then shattered the glass towards the audience.
I know now that the true horror of Jaws 3-D is actually Louis Gossett Jr. and Dennis Quaid’s acting. Actually, the whole film is an abomination.
You would think that my next step would be to seek out the original film. Unfortunately in 1987, I found myself at the Greater Union drive-in at Blacktown with my aunty, to witness Jaws: The Revenge in a double feature with Summer School (starring a pre-NCIS Mark Harmon).
Even at the age of 12, I could tell that this movie was a stinker. Star Michael Caine admits he did it to pay for a new house and have a great holiday in The Bahamas. The storyline is ridiculous. After the introduction of sharks as silent primal killers in the first film, we are supposed to believe that they are actually vengeful family minded creatures that will follow the wife of the original protagonist to the tropics to seek retribution for the murder of their fishy relatives.
The ending of the Jaws: The Revenge is a classic. The shark is impaled on a boat’s bowsprit and explodes. That’s correct. There are no combustible materials involved. The shark just explodes.
Despite my initial experiences, I did go on to appreciate Spielberg’s original masterpiece and its serviceable sequel. And that’s why I am very excited that Jaws will finally receive a high def makeover for its release on blu-ray in August. In celebration of Universal Studio’s 100th Anniversary, there will also be several one off screenings of the restored print around the country.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, Jaws returns in stunning blu-ray to scare the pants off a new generation of fans. And make sure you keep an ear out for that theme tune next time you hit the surf. It may save your life.
This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th June 2012.
I love a good pop song. Always have. Probably always will. As a kid, I’d hang out at the newsagency near my bus stop every weekday morning. Each fortnight, the latest issue of Smash Hits would hit the newsstands and I’d usually have it read by the time I got to school.
My favourite part of the magazine was the song words pages. At the time, there was no quick and easy method, such as the internet, to look up the lyrics to the latest pop songs. If you were lucky, a cassette sleeve might have the lyrics, but most of the time it came down to Smash Hits magazine or just listening to the song repeatedly until I worked out the words. Or at least thought I had worked out the words.
I still come across songs that I’ve been enjoying for decades and realise that I’ve been singing the wrong lyrics. How on earth did I think that Starship built this city on logs and coal? And it turns out that their pony doesn’t play the mamba…
Occasionally, I come across a pop gem that on scrutiny of the lyrics, appears to make absolutely no sense. The song probably has some meaning to the writer but every now and then, I’m certain that it’s all a conspiracy to make millions of people around the world sing ridiculous lyrics. Here are my top five prime offenders.
5. MMMBop – Hanson Cute as three cloned buttons, the Hanson brothers peaked at number one in 1997 with this ditty about well, nothing. The chorus is phonetic soup. On closer lyrical inspection, I think that an mmmbop is a unit of time. So in that case, it is safe to say that Hansonmania lasted about an mmmbop.
4. I Am the Walrus – The Beatles I know it’s hard to believe but there are actually bad Beatles songs. For every Hey Jude, there’s an Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. Walrus sits somewhere in the middle. It’s almost as if the lyrics are simply a method of delivering a melody to your ears in the same way that corn chips are simply a method of delivering salsa. Is it homage to Lewis Carroll or a salad recipe? You decide.
3. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 Apparently Italian dance group Eiffel 65 wrote the tune first with the lyrics coming later. No kidding. This 1999 hit is about a man who lives in a blue world. A lot of his stuff is blue too. How interesting. As you can see by the title, those looking for further explanation need go no further than the clarification of the title in brackets. The Teletubbies really need to stop writing songs.
2. We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel Yes, I know. It’s a list of historical events. The problem is that the chorus doesn’t really give the verses any perspective. You don’t believe me? Try replacing the lyrics from the verses with your shopping list. It’s pretty much as meaningful as the original.
1. Africa – Toto Surely this ditty must have some deep spiritual meaning? It mentions rain in Africa, doesn’t it? Sing along with me. “It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do the things we never have.” Nope, I have no idea either.
This column was originally published in The Central Western Daily on Tuesday 12th June 2012.
The Sydney Film Festival is underway and this year’s crop of new films is fantastic. As a university student, I’d regularly buy a day pass and spend hours warming a seat in the State Theatre watching whatever was scheduled. One afternoon, I witnessed an early screening of a little local film called The Sum of Us which starred Jack Thompson, John Polson and a young Russell Crowe. The flick is an underrated Australian gem which I still champion. Thompson remains a legend in the film industry. Polson went on to create the Tropfest Film Festival and became a Director in his own right. I’m not sure what happened to Crowe. He seemed to have such potential.
It has been quite a while since I managed to find time to attend the festival but this year I couldn’t resist. Day passes are no longer available and now the whole shebang is a well organised event with online ticketing, major corporate sponsors and iPhone apps.
Ten o’clock in the morning is a little early for most cinema goers but there was an enthusiastic crowd awaiting the screening of the Canadian documentary Pink Ribbons, Inc this weekend. The film examines the phenomenon of cause marketing worldwide.
What an eye opener. I had no idea that the original pink ribbon was actually a salmon coloured homemade cloth ribbon sent out by Charlotte Haley, who had lost several members of her family to breast cancer. The ribbons were attached to a card which implored the public to lobby for more money to be spent on cancer prevention research.
Estée Lauder approached Haley in 1992 to use her ribbon as a symbol but she refused, not wanting her brainchild to be hijacked for corporate profits. The company then used focus groups to find a colour that was feminine and appealing. The breast cancer pink ribbon was then launched.
Léa Pool’s film pulls the curtain back on a world where companies which sell products containing carcinogenic agents are scrambling to associate their products with the pink ribbon, where millions of dollars are being raised through charity walks and runs but little is known about the coordination of research, and where very little money is actually being spent on finding the cause of breast cancer. There’s more potential profit in pharmaceutical treatments, you see.
The interviews with a Stage IV breast cancer support group in Texas are particularly heart breaking. Facing terminal cancer, the ladies struggle with the pink ribbon message of “learning to live” whilst they “learn to die”. One of the members has led a healthy lifestyle and can’t understand why she has developed cancer. This is then contrasted with the ridiculous notion of pink ribbon buckets of KFC.
Pink Ribbons, Inc is a one sided argument but the questions raised by the content are disturbing and make the film a must-see. The documentary style is not particularly stylish or fancy but the mix of talking heads in studio and interviews on location doesn’t outstay its welcome. Documentaries are a rarity in cinemas nowadays but it was refreshing to enjoy a film that is both entertaining, informative and thought provoking. Highly recommended.
The Sydney Film Festival runs until June 17.
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on June 13, 2012 at 13:00
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