The Life and Times of Charlie Fatt Part 2

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 14th August 2012.

The story so far…

Somehow I’ve been roped into being a referee for a professional wrestling show in Cardiff, Wales. I’ve been given my stage name, Charlie Fatt, and have arrived at the show to officiate a “match or two.” The problem is, I don’t really know what I’m doing and I’ve just been informed that I am the only referee for the night.

It’s one hour to show time and the ring announcer has taken me aside to brief me on the referee gig. He explains that I just need to enforce the rules and count the pins as I see them. I‘m a little confused. Isn’t a professional wrestling referee’s job not to enforce the rules, or to least enforce them badly? How am I supposed to put on a good show if I don’t know the outcomes?

When I ask these questions, I’m informed that the “booker” doesn’t trust me yet and that until I prove myself, things need to stay “kayfabe”. He quickly runs me through the procedure to start the match. Check the wrestlers’ boots and behind their ears for foreign objects and call for the bell. Um, what sort of weapon can be concealed behind a wrestler’s ear? I’m never given an answer. I guess Monkey Magic kept his magic stick behind his ear…

For those of you new to wrestling, the booker is the person responsible for putting together the card for the show. They decide who wrestles whom and the outcome. For this show, the booker and promoter was veteran British grappler Andre Baker. I always found Andre to be a stern, humourless fellow who took the business very seriously.

Which brings me to kayfabe. In the wrestling world, kayfabe is the practice of portraying the events within a show as real. Everything is legit. The bad guys and the good guys really hate each other. That sort of thing. Nowadays, everyone knows that wrestling is entertainment but you’ll still never hear those in the industry openly speaking about the inner workings of the business.

Before I know it, my stage name is announced to the crowd and I’m walking through the curtains towards the ring. A few people clap. I try to look as serious as possible although I probably have a stupid grin on my face. As I climb between the ring ropes I realise that I had never stepped into a wrestling ring until that very moment.

Over the next two hours, I referee eight bouts or so. It is hard work. I’m constantly on the move, darting around the ring trying to stay out of the way of the wrestlers bounding about. The ring, although bouncy when a body slams on it, is really quite hard especially when you have to slap your hand down on it to count the pins and near falls.

I only make one major mistake during the show. When both wrestlers tumble out of the ring, I start my ten count. When the bad guy slides back in at the last second, I accidentally stop counting, and instead of calling for the bell due to a count out, I start counting from one again whilst the poor heroic grappler is forced to clumsily pretend to climb back into the ring very slowly to ensure that he loses. Oops.

OK, so it wasn’t exactly Wrestlemania but my wrestling debut was great fun. I particularly enjoyed being abused by fans for not noticing when the bad guys cheated or I missed the goodies getting a winning pin because I was “distracted”. In other words, I did a good job of portraying Charlie Fatt doing a bad job. I was hooked.

Next week: hard core wrestling, blood baths and the death of Charlie Fatt.

Published in: on October 9, 2012 at 01:10  Leave a Comment  
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The Beach Boys 50th Anniversary Tour Review

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 11th September 2012.

Last month I finally fulfilled a lifetime dream. I sang live with The Beach Boys. Well, to be fair, I sang along with The Beach Boys. Close enough.

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, the surviving original members of the legendary Californian supergroup regrouped for a brand new studio album and world tour, which hit Australian shores in August. Their Sydney gig at Allphones Arena was almost sold out and I was lucky enough to acquire seats within metres of the stage.

The crowd was mostly baby boomers but I certainly wasn’t the youngest person there, although it’s possible that I was the youngest person there without my parents, or grandparents. A cashed up crowd, there was already lines twenty deep at the merchandise stand by the time I arrived at the arena. With t-shirts at $50 each, I’m sure there were plenty of punters spending their kids’ inheritance money to beef up The Beach Boys’ retirement fund.

Prior to the show, I had looked up some live clips of the band from the last time that they were all playing together – the late eighties. To my dismay, I stumbled across a concert when they were joined onstage by the Tanner Family. That’s right, The Beach Boys guest starred on an episode of the atrocious sitcom Full House in 1988 that culminated in a live concert vocal massacre of Kokomo and Barbara Ann. I sure hoped the band had gotten rid of their daggy eighties stage clothes and more importantly, left Danny, Joey and Uncle Jesse behind.

To my relief, The Beach Boys have updated their wardrobes to tasteful Hawaiian shirts (is that possible?) and are certainly up to date with technology. From my seat I was able to observe lead singer Mike Love check his mobile phone for messages before climbing the stairs to the stage at the start the show.

Joined by an ultra tight backing group featuring members from Brian Wilson’s solo touring band, the boys were in fine voice. Their trademark harmonies were glorious as they ploughed through a whopping 52 song set over two sets. Hit after hit, the band covered five decades of music from their early tunes about surfing, girls and cars right through to their sophisticated wall of sound masterpieces from the Pet Sounds and Smile albums.

Audience interaction was kept to a minimum with only a small amount of banter every couple of songs. Mike Love’s self-deprecating jokes about the band’s advanced age were predictable but funny. Most noticeable was the lack of any obvious camaraderie between the original band members. I guess after fifty years together on the tour bus, there isn’t much left to say.

Three hours with The Beach Boys went by in a flash and before I knew it, I was thrust back into the sterile foyer area to find that almost all of the merchandise was sold out. Not so fun fun fun.

If The Beach Boys make it to their 60th anniversary, you can be sure that I’ll be there to sing along with them, dance badly to their hits and buy my merchandise much earlier.

Published in: on October 9, 2012 at 01:07  Leave a Comment  
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Star Trek TNG on Blu-ray – Make it so!

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 18th September 2012.

It’s hard to believe it was twenty five years ago when the catch phrases, “Make it so” and “Earl grey, hot”, entered the lexicon of geeks around the world. That’s right, Star Trek: The Next Generation made its debut in 1987 and this year, to celebrate a quarter century of “boldly going where no-one has gone before” the complete first season has been given a high definition makeover for a must-have blu-ray release.

For Aussie Trekkers (not Trekkies), the first time TNG appeared on our screens was not on broadcast television, but in video stores. I still vividly remember having to wait for my monthly fix of two episodes to arrive at my local rental outlet on VHS. I wasn’t a big fan of the original series. Despite my adoration of all things Shatner, the adventures of Kirk, Spock and crew in their low tech, cheap looking Enterprise did not fit in well with a mind that was already inundated with the sophisticated special effects (at the time) of the original Star Wars trilogy. I have the same affliction with early Doctor Who episodes. Send all abuse letters care of the CWD, thanks.

TNG was a completely different case. I was completely sold on this vision of the future, where bold explorers toured the universe with a code of ethics almost as stiff as their ridiculous starched, clearly uncomfortable uniforms. Actually, it wasn’t even as elaborate as that. The genius of Gene Roddenberry’s vision is that there actually is a future for man. Enough of the geek philosophy… I know it’s just a TV show, but it is a really good one.

Starting with TNG, the Star Trek universe expanded with the debuts of spin-off series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, followed by Star Trek: Voyager. Trekker fandom in Australia peaked in the early nineties and for a while, I was a big enough fanboy to be attending Trek Conventions in my very own red jumpsuit uniform. Please don’t tell anyone about this. I would hate to lose my credibility. No-one would take my columns about The Village People seriously if they knew.

I still recall having a bingle in my friend’s car on our way to a convention at Darling Harbour. Having to stand on George Street calling the NRMA in full Starfleet uniform was an interesting experience. I guess that’s why they invented the transporter beam.

Anyway, back to the blu-ray release. Star Trek: The Next Generation Season One looks absolutely pristine in high definition, as if it was filmed yesterday (or stardate 66178.3). The detail is stunning, with minute joins in the prosthetic makeup of the aliens and flaws in the set construction and painting now obvious.

Originally shot on film, the restoration process has involved locating the archived master reels, an extensive cleaning process to bring the footage to high definition standards, and then a complete episode rebuild. The special effects have been re-composited from the original film elements and look brilliantly sharp.

 

As with most long running shows, TNG Season One is a little bit of a mess. Characters are yet to be established and are quite inconsistent. The tone isn’t quite right. That comes in by Season Three or Four. I guess at the time of production, the cast and crew had no idea that the show would be a hit.

I don’t really consider myself a Trekker anymore. Besides, my uniform no longer fits. However, I still consider TNG to be one of the best TV shows ever. Remastered on blu-ray, you now can experience the series with a visual clarity that wasn’t possible twenty five years ago. Regardless of whether you are a casual Trek fan or fluent in Klingon, this box set is a must-buy. “Make it so!”

Published in: on October 9, 2012 at 01:02  Leave a Comment  
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Box Set Bonanza 2012

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 2nd October 2012.

Every October, dark forces return to unleash unspeakable horrors upon our supermarket and department store shelves. No, I’m not talking about Halloween. I mean the Christmas merchandise that’s already started to appear in our stores. So if it’s good enough for a multinational corporation, it’s good enough for me. In preparation for the silly season, here are my picks for the best box sets to buy for your favourite movie fanatic (or Tuesday columnist).

If too much Bond is never enough, grab Bond 50 – The James Bond Collection which celebrates half a century of Bond adventures with 22 films on 22 discs. If you buy the blu-ray set, there’s also an extra disc full of exclusive new content. Unfortunately, the non-canon Never Say Never Again from 1983 is not included, which is a shame because I’d gladly exchange it for the invisible car and wooden Madonna performance from Die Another Day. With the latest Band mission, Skyfall, hitting cinemas in November, a space has been generously left in the box for you to complete your collection next year. You can then rest easy knowing you own every single minute of Bond goodness, until the next movie is announced and you’ll have to buy a new box set. Start saving your money, Penny.

Speaking of great franchises, Indiana Jones has finally taken the leap to high definition. Indiana Jones – The Complete Adventures features all three original films on beautiful blu-ray, plus an extra disc chock full of bonus stuff. The films have been remastered under the supervision of Steven Spielberg, with Raiders of the Lost Ark receiving a complete restoration from the original print and sound mix. The set also includes a special Indiana Jones coaster. You can protect your tabletops knowing that The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has finally found a useful purpose.

The Universal Monsters Collection on blu-ray celebrates the 100th anniversary of Universal Studios by unleashing some of its iconic creature features in high definition. Featuring a 48 page book and 8 discs, I can’t wait to get my hands on this one and experience horror classics Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Invisible Man, Bride of Frankenstein, The Wolf Man and Phantom of the Opera for the first time. Best of all, The Creature from the Black Lagoon will make his (or is it her, or its) debut in blu-ray 3D.

Finally, the master of suspense has been given a high definition makeover to bring you Alfred Hitchcock – The Masterpiece Collection. The box set features 14 Hitchcock  classics including Rear Window, Frenzy, Psycho and Vertigo, plus every ornithophobe’s favourite, The Birds.  There is also 15 hours of bonus content for your enjoyment. Strangely, my favourite Hitchcock flick, North by Northwest, is not featured. Neither is Gus Van Sant’s disastrous 1998 shot for shot remake of Psycho, which is good thing.

One last thing, all of these box sets are labelled as limited editions. This is a rather meaningless marketing term nowadays so don’t rush out and buy them all just in case. With all of the above around or above the $100 mark, the limiting factor may well be your wallet.

Published in: on October 9, 2012 at 00:52  Leave a Comment  
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Sheep, Simpsons, Apple Factory Workers & Zombies

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 9th October 2012.

I don’t usually do community announcements, however, I have been asked to remind you that the Cumnock Quickshear is being held on Saturday 20 October. This is truly the must see event of the year for fans of sheep shearing. If seeing animals getting haircuts doesn’t float your boat, you can always stay home and watch that funny Korean music video for the fifteenth time.

I’m still awaiting the delivery of my new iPhone 5. Clearly, the children who work in the Apple factory need to work harder. All kidding aside, the environmental and ethical considerations of our overwhelming demand for new technological products seems to be forgotten every time an exciting new iToy hits our shelves. Apparently, as consumers, our good intentions extend only to coffee, cosmetics, cans of tuna and eggs.

Our shiny new gadgets are such an important part of our lives nowadays, I think it is important that no-one has been exploited just so I can play funny Korean music videos on my iThingy. I suggest you visit SumOfUs.org for more information on this and other eye opening consumer issues. Unfortunately, this doesn’t change the fact that my current phone is on its last legs.

Forget The Hobbit. My most anticipated film of the year has to be Cockneys vs. Zombies. Set in the East End of London, this action comedy focuses on a gang of bank robbers who must team up with the residents of a retirement home to survive a zombie outbreak. The trailer is a hoot and features an old man who just manages to outrun a zombie with his zimmer frame.

With the latest Resident Evil flick just departing our cinema screens, the zombie movie craze of the past few years seems to be dissipating. It’s possible that Hollywood may well be saving the best for last. Let’s hope that Cockneys vs. Zombies meets expectations and joins Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland as the best in genre. For the record, my pick for worst zombie film in the past few years is Zombie Strippers (yes, it actually is a real film).

Cockneys vs. Zombies does not yet have an Australian release date.

I’ve written several times about the disastrous launch of The Simpsons: Tapped Out game. Launched in March this year, the game was so popular on iTunes that after 3 days, it was pulled from the app store due to overwhelming demand on the EA Games’ servers. Unfortunately, those who had successfully downloaded the game began to suffer from game bugs and glitches with little or no response from the game creators.

Months later, I am pleased to inform you that the game has been relaunched. Existing players such as myself had our towns restored and received bonus Donuts (the game’s currency) as compensation. Last week, a new Halloween update was made available and I’ve been having fun squishing zombies and sending the residents of Springfield trick or treating. Rest assured, I’ve learnt my lesson and will try to avoid spending my hard earned dollars on premium game items.

Published in: on October 9, 2012 at 00:48  Leave a Comment  
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The Life and Times of Charlie Fatt: Wrestling Referee

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 7th August 2012.

Many moons ago I was a lowly physiotherapist working in the Welsh town of Merthyr Tydfil. Living in a small rented terrace, I ventured out several times a week to rehearse with the local musical theatre company. In the month of warm weather that was known as Summer I liked to hike around the Brecon Beacons. Life was good

Nobody knew that I was harbouring a secret identity. At night, I’d put on my special costume and dispense my own brand of justice. That’s right folks. (In my best gravelly voice) I’m Batman. Not really, in the world of British Professional Wrestling I was known as the number one referee, Charlie Fatt.

I’m not exactly sure how I came to be a wrestling referee. I noticed a story in the local paper advertising wrestling training and having been a fan of the WWE and such since I was little, I went along to check it out.

I wandered into the Cathays Community Centre in Cardiff one Saturday afternoon to discover a group of people of all shapes and sizes running around the outside of a rusty old wrestling ring. Following that, they entered the ring and started to practice “bumping” with the trainers.

A “bump” is the wrestling term for falling on your front or back without hurting yourself. By outstretching your arms and slapping the mat, and landing with as much surface area as possible, it’s possible to make lot of noise but not hurt yourself (much).

Eventually, one of the trainers, Karl Griffiths, but known to his fans as former Celtic Wrestling Champion Caiman, invited me to join the training session. I declined, as I wasn’t particularly interested in performing in lycra undies and not much else, but did volunteer to help out in some way. Karl suggested I come to their next show and maybe referee a match. He explained that my height, or rather my lack of height, would make the wrestlers seem even larger. “That sounds great,” I said, but my Spider Sense was tingling. What had I gotten myself into?

A few weeks later I’m driving to Cardiff for my first show with James, a mate from Sydney. I had my zebra stripe shirt and black trousers, standard issue for a referee, but still hadn’t come up with my wrestling name and was getting desperate for ideas. As we pulled up to the venue in my rusty beaten up Ford (it cost me 350 quid and I drove it for three years until the fuel tank fell off on the A465), he suggests Charlie Fatt. I don’t have a clue where the Charlie came from but my second cousin is Jeff Fatt from The Wiggles. With no better names on offer, I became Charlie Fatt.

Nervously stepping into the venue, I was greeted by Caiman who informed me that there would be a few hundred people coming to watch the show and that I would be making my professional wrestling debut (with no preparation or training) as the one and only referee for the two hour card. Oh boy.

Next time I’ll write about Charlie Fatt’s grand debut. One..two…three!

Published in: on August 10, 2012 at 08:21  Comments (1)  
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Olympic Thoughts: Stephanie Rice, Status Quo, Coles and McDonalds Glasses

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 31st July 2012.

According to the latest Olympic themed ad from a well known burger chain, their promotional glasses come alive at night and practice pole jumping. That might explain why my collection of glasses from the 2008 Beijing games have all accidentally met their maker on my kitchen floor in the past few months.

Writing of the Olympics, I was enjoying the live television coverage when I was confronted by a commercial informing me that Coles was the official supermarket for the Australian Team. Ah, exactly when during their time in London would the Aussie athletes be shopping at a Coles supermarket? Of course, they’d be buying their bread and permeate free milk at the same imaginary one in the UK that Dawn French and English rockers Status Quo buy their Vegemite and Tim Tams. Sorry, my mistake.

 

Earlier this month, Coles became the first supermarket chain to release their own music video. That’s right, Status Quo have recorded a 3 minute promotional video for their reworked (and reworded) 1975 hit Down Down. Complete with big red foam hands, the tongue in cheek (I hope) video is available to view on YouTube. Expect to see it on Rage sometime soon.

Whilst I would never deny anyone the opportunity to make a buck, it seems a shame that Coles hasn’t enlisted the help of a washed up Aussie band to promote their stores. I’m sure the world’s greatest INXS tribute band, known as INXS, would happily adapt their hits. Get out your big red hands folks and sing along with Need Milk Tonight and What You Need (is Cheap Bread).

It shouldn’t be too hard to find an Aussie band whose best days are behind them. Just follow the signs to A Day on the Green. Come to think of it, I’ll take Status Quo anytime rather than hear another second of Normie Rowe’s awful Coles TV commercial. It’s hard to put your fingers in your ears with big red foam hands.

 

I really felt sorry for Stephanie Rice after her disappointing performance in the 400m individual medley. The expectations of a nation must be a pretty heavy burden, especially when you’re a returning triple gold medallist. So much can happen in a space of four years.

The state of the art LCD TV I bought especially to watch the 2008 Beijing games has already been replaced by a bigger and better state of the art LCD TV. I rented a unit in 2008. Now I have a house and mortgage. Four years ago, it wasn’t possible to photograph yourself in a bikini and tweet it to the world, along with some inappropriate gaffes.

Seriously though, the idea that you can continue to maintain the fitness, discipline and training to be the best in the world again, despite becoming four years older, is ridiculous. This simple fact makes the achievements of dual gold medallists even more miraculous and amazing, and everyone else, well, human. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

Four years ago, I had to pay an extra $50 for the Olympic channels on pay TV. This time around, I just had to add the Sports Package for $18 which gets me 8 channels in HD. Thanks Foxtel. Now I can feel less guilty when I lose interest in the Olympics after a couple of days and go back to watching cartoons.

Published in: on August 10, 2012 at 08:18  Leave a Comment  
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Film Review: The Dark Knight Rises

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 24th July 2012.

Rarely does a film trilogy manage to maintain its quality and momentum throughout the entire series. Many franchises start strongly and falter along the way as studios place pressure on creative forces to ensure that more money is raked in each time.

In recent years we’ve seen Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy begin with two brilliant entries but lose its way in the final chapter (Emo Peter Parker is best forgotten). The (then) Wachowski Brother’s The Matrix set up an intriguing world within a world but then threw it all away with two under baked sequels (and a credibility erasing rave party scene). And let’s not mention The Godfather: Part III or Jurassic Park III.

There are exceptions to the rule, of course. The Indiana Jones trilogy (note that I said trilogy) and the original Star Wars flicks (Ewoks notwithstanding) are classics and practically critic proof. Same goes with the Back to the Future, Toy Story and The Lord of the Rings franchises.

So it was with excitement and some trepidation that I ventured in to see Christopher Nolan’s final chapter in his Batman series. After a strong opening and then a sequel that surpassed the original with a memorable performance from the late Health Ledger as The Joker, Nolan had declared that this would be his final visit to Gotham City and the good news is that he doesn’t disappoint.

Most importantly, try to catch The Dark Knight Rises in IMAX. Nolan shot over an hour of the film in IMAX and the format suits the grand scope of the cinematography well. As far as I’m concerned, IMAX is the future of cinema, not 3D.

The performances are all uniformly solid. Bale once again brings gravitas and vulnerability to the Bruce Wayne / Batman role, although I still have no idea why he suddenly requires a cough drop as soon as he dons the Batsuit. Michael Caine makes the most of Alfred Pennyworth with a couple of great scenes which essentially bookend the film.

I’ve never been a big fan of Anne Hathaway but I have to admit that she won me over as Selena Kyle (the name Catwoman is never uttered in the film). As a skilled cat burglar torn between Batman and the bad guys, Hathaway brings charisma and sassiness to a character that could easily have been played as a wisecracking sidekick (see Alicia Silverstone’s Batgirl).

Tom Hardy is virtually unrecognisable as the principal villain; the muscle bound masked mercenary Bane. Much had been made of his incomprehensible voice in the trailer, but I had no problems understanding Hardy who appears to be channelling Darth Vader and Colonel Sander’s lovechild.

The story picks up eight years after the last film. Bruce Wayne is a broken man, both physically and mentally. Only Bane’s terrorist attacks on Gotham City can convince him to become The Dark Knight for potentially the last time.

Nolan’s screenplay, co-written with his brother Jonathan, gives everyone their moment to shine and neatly wraps up all of the storyline strands from the previous chapters. A few plot holes and lapses in logic may leave you scratching your head after the fact (see my website for the plot holes after you have seen the film) but at the time, it’s hard not to be captivated by Nolan’s superb ability as a storyteller.

I can’t recall a film in recent memory that makes its hero suffer for the audience as much as The Dark Knight Rises but in my books, this magnificent final entry in Nolan’s Batman trilogy is one of this year’s best films.

Published in: on July 24, 2012 at 11:43  Leave a Comment  
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The Dark Knight Rises: a near perfect film but not without plot holes

I’ve just returned from experiencing The Dark Knight Rises in glorious IMAX. As my 129th movie for 2012, I am pleased to say that I have given it 9 out of 10. Christopher Nolan has managed to conclude his Batman trilogy with an epic thriller that will enthral audiences worldwide. However, I still left the theatre wondering about a few plot points that didn’t make sense.

SPOILER ALERT
Below are my plot holes for The Dark Knight Rises. If you can explain them to me or have others to add, please let me know.

1. How did Bruce Wayne / Batman return to Gotham City following his escape from the prison? All of the access point to the city were blown up or blocked.

2. Why didn’t the prisoners attempting to climb out of the prison use the rope (that they were all tied to for safety) to be pulled most of the way and thus save their energy for the final and most difficult part of the climb?

3. Why did Miranda (Marion Cottilard) not reveal her true nature until Batman returned to Gotham? Once she had control of the bomb and Batman broken, what possible advantage was there to maintaining her secret identity?

4. Why didn’t Batman focus his attack on Bane’s mask in their initial battle? It was pretty obvious to me that it was his weak point.

5. Was Bane’s mask electric? Batman used a gun that knocked out electronic devices early in the film. It might have been worth a try.

6. Is Wayne Manor located in Gotham City? Why wasn’t it attacked by Bane’s thugs?

7. If Bane knew that Bruce Wayne was Batman, why didn’t he look under Wayne Manor for Batman’s weapons and vehicles too?

Published in: on July 21, 2012 at 15:59  Comments (1)  
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Being John Malkovich 2: Being Lara Bingle

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th July 2012.

I’ve been eagerly awaiting the sequel to the Spike Jonze comedy Being John Malkovich. It finally premiered on TV a few weeks ago but so far I’m not impressed. Being Lara Bingle has none of the indie charm of the original and I’m still waiting for Josh, Sharon or Hermonie to find the portal that leads literally into Lara’s head. I guess when that happens we’ll finally find out if one can breathe in a vacuum.

Published in: on July 19, 2012 at 10:41  Leave a Comment  
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