Masterchef…insert fireball here

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th July 2012.

I’ve really been enjoying this current season of Masterchef. Based on the latest ratings, it looks like people are finally starting to tune in during these final weeks of the competition. I was addicted to the first season and I think that this year has been just as fun. The contestants are likeable (I’ve learnt what happens to disillusioned physiotherapists) and the format is familiar and comfortable.

I’m so used to the Masterchef format that I’ve become immune to their cliffhanger commercial breaks. No longer do I get frustrated when an important announcement is interrupted by a fireball explosion.

In fact, Masterchef has started to creep into my real life. This morning, when I got to the front of the queue at the coffee cart at work I simply made a fireball whooshing sound and then came back three minutes later to tell them what I wanted.

The show has also been useful for expanding my culinary vocabulary. I now know that caramelisation means to burn something, a roulade is a sausage made with clingwrap, a klosh is the sound it makes when you drop it and a deconstructed dish is what happens if it gives you food poisoning.

Published in: on July 19, 2012 at 10:28  Leave a Comment  
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Milk: now with free permeate

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th July 2012.

Am I the only person in Australia who had never heard the word “permeate” until this past week?  I popped into my local corner store the other day to pick up some milk. This particular brand of moo juice I chose was covered in labels announcing that it was now permeate free. I had no idea what this meant but took the time to tell the lady behind the counter how pleased I was to no longer be charged extra for permeate.

After a moment of disbelief, she did correct me. Apparently permeate is an additive that is used to dilute milk. I no longer drink milk, but when I was growing up, the only additive for me was milo, and lots of it. Nowadays, there seems to be so many different permutations of milk products that I wouldn’t be surprised in the existence of additives.

I did try milk straight from the cow on a Rural Youth excursion to Gloucester in Year 7 and I’m certain that absolutely nothing on the shelf tastes like that. Just for the record, I did use a cup to drink the milk.

The marketing advantage for that particular brand of milk didn’t last longer than a week or so because on a visit to the supermarket today, I noticed that almost every brand now has a sticker declaring the product permeate free.

Of course, a label stating that a product doesn’t contain something is not necessarily proof that it was ever there in the first place. So in the interests of marketing, I’d like to proudly announce that this blog is now sulphide free.

Published in: on July 19, 2012 at 10:23  Leave a Comment  
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Nonsensical Pop Songs

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th June 2012.

I love a good pop song. Always have. Probably always will. As a kid, I’d hang out at the newsagency near my bus stop every weekday morning. Each fortnight, the latest issue of Smash Hits would hit the newsstands and I’d usually have it read by the time I got to school.

My favourite part of the magazine was the song words pages. At the time, there was no quick and easy method, such as the internet, to look up the lyrics to the latest pop songs. If you were lucky, a cassette sleeve might have the lyrics, but most of the time it came down to Smash Hits magazine or just listening to the song repeatedly until I worked out the words. Or at least thought I had worked out the words.

I still come across songs that I’ve been enjoying for decades and realise that I’ve been singing the wrong lyrics. How on earth did I think that Starship built this city on logs and coal? And it turns out that their pony doesn’t play the mamba…

Occasionally, I come across a pop gem that on scrutiny of the lyrics, appears to make absolutely no sense. The song probably has some meaning to the writer but every now and then, I’m certain that it’s all a conspiracy to make millions of people around the world sing ridiculous lyrics. Here are my top five prime offenders.

5. MMMBop – Hanson Cute as three cloned buttons, the Hanson brothers peaked at number one in 1997 with this ditty about well, nothing. The chorus is phonetic soup. On closer lyrical inspection, I think that an mmmbop is a unit of time. So in that case, it is safe to say that Hansonmania lasted about an mmmbop.

4. I Am the Walrus – The Beatles I know it’s hard to believe but there are actually bad Beatles songs. For every Hey Jude, there’s an Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da. Walrus sits somewhere in the middle. It’s almost as if the lyrics are simply a method of delivering a melody to your ears in the same way that corn chips are simply a method of delivering salsa. Is it homage to Lewis Carroll or a salad recipe? You decide.

3. Blue (Da Ba Dee) – Eiffel 65 Apparently Italian dance group Eiffel 65 wrote the tune first with the lyrics coming later. No kidding. This 1999 hit is about a man who lives in a blue world. A lot of his stuff is blue too. How interesting. As you can see by the title, those looking for further explanation need go no further than the clarification of the title in brackets. The Teletubbies really need to stop writing songs.

2. We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel Yes, I know. It’s a list of historical events. The problem is that the chorus doesn’t really give the verses any perspective. You don’t believe me? Try replacing the lyrics from the verses with your shopping list. It’s pretty much as meaningful as the original.

1. Africa – Toto Surely this ditty must have some deep spiritual meaning? It mentions rain in Africa, doesn’t it? Sing along with me. “It’s gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do the things we never have.” Nope, I have no idea either.

Published in: on June 19, 2012 at 08:36  Leave a Comment  
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Avenue TV Commercial

Here is my TV Commercial Directorial Debut!

Orange Theatre Company presents

Avenue Q

5 -7 July 2012

Orange Civic Theatre

Book at the Box Office ph 02 6393 8111 or http://www.ticketek.com.au

Published in: on June 6, 2012 at 07:39  Leave a Comment  
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Farewell Whitney, Dr House… Hello Steve Winwood

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 14th February 2012.

This past weekend brought the news of Whitney Houston’s untimely passing. When Michael Jackson died on June 25 2009, the pay TV music stations ceased their regular programming and switched to non-stop Jackson videos. This did not happen with Houston. I’m not particularly surprised. Although arguably as big in the late eighties as The King of Pop, Houston’s days as a viable creative or commercial act were long behind her.

I only own one Whitney Houston CD. I bought it in 1987 with the money I had saved from collecting aluminium cans. I lost interest soon after. In Whitney, that is, not in collecting cans for money. Most of her fans from the eighties probably did the same.

It is always sad when drugs claim a life, regardless of whether they were famous. In Whitney’s case, it is such a waste. The knockout voice had departed but she had real potential for a comeback as an actress. Although I don’t care for the film or Kevin Costner, Houston was showed charisma in The Bodyguard.

 

Why is it that every time I go to the new supermarket, they are playing Steve Winwood’s 1986 hit Higher Love? I hadn’t heard it for years, and then in the space of a few days, twice I’ve found myself singing along as I wander the aisles. They’ve obviously done their research. Somewhere in the world, lab technicians in white coats are testing the effects of Huey Lewis on the shopping habits of rats. Well, the Winwood certainly made me increase my expenditure. Unfortunately for the supermarket, I just bought my usual stuff and then went home to order a copy of Steve Winwood’s greatest hits CD online.

 

Fox announced the cancellation of House last week. After eight seasons, this current one will be the last. As far as I’m concerned, the show had flatlined years ago. Recent ratings would suggest that most people agree with me. There is no doubt that the acerbic Gregory House will go down as one of the great TV doctors of all time, brought to life by the brilliant Hugh Laurie (although someone should have taught him to hold his walking stick in the correct hand).

Although it initially made for fascinating viewing, House was very formulaic. If you were one of Doctor House’s patients, you might want to get another physician. You are guaranteed to get a little better, then much worse, then a little better, then much, much worse, whilst House’s team of medicos misdiagnose you over and over again on a clear perspex whiteboard. Eventually, you’ll survive but only after lots of convulsing.

As ratings began to slide, the producers and writers resorted to more outlandish and silly storylines. Dr House goes to the mental asylum. He finally gets together with Cuddy but they hit turbulence which results in House driving his car into her, er, house. He goes to goal and jumps over a shark whilst waterskiing.

If there are two things I’ve learnt from watching TV, it’s to leave town when Jessica Fletcher arrives, because someone is going to die, and to avoid being admitted to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (House) or Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital (Grey’s Anatomy). The medical staff are incompetent or way too distracted with each other to keep you alive. Try Eastman Medical Center and ask for Doogie Howser, M.D.

Published in: on February 14, 2012 at 06:33  Leave a Comment  
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Wigglegate: Sam dropped like a Hot Potato

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 24th January 2012.

There’s no business like show business. With the recent Wigglegate controversy, it shouldn’t be forgotten that for every part “show”, there is an equally important “business” component.

Last week’s dismissal of replacement Wiggle, Sam Moran, after five years in the iconic yellow skivvy, has brought condemnation from fans, and their parents, worldwide. Allegedly Moran’s contract was about to expire and it simply wasn’t renewed. Greg Page, the original yellow Wiggle, was back in good health and has returned. The original lineup is back together. What’s the problem?

The average span of a child’s interest in all things Wiggle can only be a couple of years before they move onto other things such as, um, Voltron and He-Man. I may be showing my age here. If your kids are going to fret that Sam has disappeared, just play the DVDs and CDs from Moran’s five year tenure over and over again. Isn’t that what they’re for anyway?

Replacing key performers in popular acts is nothing new. Several years after the original Brady Bunch TV series was cancelled, the cast was reunited for the disastrous (but somehow fantastically kitsch) Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Everyone returned, except for the original Jan Brady, Eve Plumb, who wisely stayed away. She was replaced by Geri Reischl for the short lived series.

Several years later, a sitcom The Brady Brides was aired, followed by a dramedy The Bradys. Eve Plumb returned for both and “Fake Jan” was never heard from again.

When Curly Howard of The Three Stooges had a stroke, he was replaced by his real life brother, Shemp. After he passed away from a heart attack (presumably from too many pokes in the eye), he too was replaced by not one, but eventually two “Curly Joes”. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Fellow Australian children’s entertainers Hi-5 seem to be changing their lineup continuously. Unlike the Wiggles, they are contracted performers and don’t own their act. As employees, they can be sacked just like you and me. Fortunately, my contract doesn’t require me to smile twenty four hours a day.

The resurrected Young Talent Time premiered this past Sunday night with a brand new line up of teeny bopper team members. If the show follows the format of the original series, team members get the boot when they are sixteen. Did anyone bother to inform new cast member Georgia-May? According to the official website, she is already sixteen. Assuming the show survives more than one season, Georgia-May’s run might be extremely short lived. Goodnight Australia!

I’m happy to admit that the TV interviews with the “new” old Wiggles have been pretty poor. If I was their manager, I certainly would never let them in front of TV cameras unscripted (and without a dancing octopus) again. Their apparent non-caring attitude towards the outgoing Sam has tarnished their squeaky clean reputation.  A simple explanation of the dismissal as a business decision would have potentially avoided the controversy.

An even better option, in my opinion, would have been to announce that the Wiggles are actually a group of Time Lords. Five years ago, the yellow one regenerated after defeating the Cybermen and last week, the Daleks forced him to regenerate again.

Alternatively, you could claim that the yellow Wiggle is a magical scarecrow who can remove his head and replace it with another, just like Worzel Gummidge. On second thoughts, stick with the Time Lord excuse.

Published in: on January 25, 2012 at 07:02  Leave a Comment  
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My Christmas Shopping Survival Guide

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 20th December 2011.

I’ve had some very reliable information that Christmas is coming soon. Apparently, tradition dictates that you purchase gifts for everyone you know. To avoid meltdown, follow my thirteen simple instructions to survive the silly season.

  1. There’s nothing wrong with gift vouchers. If you have concerns that the recipient will know how much you spent on them, leave the price tags on all your other gifts so no-one feels left out.
  2. Your family and friends will love receiving gift vouchers for specialty stores in towns hundreds of kilometres away. Not only do they get to choose their own present, they get to have a holiday too.
  3. Avoid the temptation of singing along with the in-store music in department stores. They’ve done their research and found that it causes excessive spending on lab rats. Take your own music. I recommend a little Lou Reed to keep your Christmas generosity away.
  4. Don’t agonise on choosing presents that perfectly match the likes and interests of the recipient. Just buy them anything. That’s what your loved ones have done for you. How else do you explain the Jack Vidgen and Susan Boyle CDs you’ll get this year?
  5. A great choice for a present is a mobile phone. Nothing says I love you like a monthly financial burden for the next two years.
  6. Got a geek in your life? Pick up the Star Wars blu-ray collection for them. The high definition transfer is so detailed that the once magical alien worlds, characters and spaceships are reduced to what they really were: cheap sets, costumes and plastic models. You’ll spoil Star Wars for them and they’ll be a more interesting person for it afterwards.
  7. Don’t get upset that the shop clerk is slowly talking you through using the EFTPOS machine, even though you’ve already used one twenty times today already. With the stress of Christmas, you probably look a little tired, plus you’ve just tried to pay for your shopping with your Medicare card.
  8. Concerned about whether your friends and family might not share the winnings from the Scratchies you bought them? Try scratching them before you pop them in the card to avoid any potential conflicts.
  9. Do you have to buy a $10 Kris Kringle gift for someone at work you barely know? Postage stamps are a practical present that they probably won’t love but they definitely will use.

10. Trust me. No-one wants a digital photo frame for Christmas. They are this year’s equivalent of underwear and socks.

11. Buy your loved one two tickets to a concert that you really want to see and they are so-so about. You are almost guaranteed that they will take you, plus they’ll probably drive you too.

12. Glee is so last year. By purchasing one of their two hundred soundtrack CDs, you are supporting them to destroy popular music, one song at a time.

13. A pet is for life, not just for Christmas. Don’t buy anyone an animal, unless it is honey glazed or slow roasted.

On behalf of me, myself and Irene, have a satisfactory Christmas and eat cherries until you puke. I’ll be back next week with the best films and TV of the year.

Published in: on December 20, 2011 at 09:07  Leave a Comment  
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Weird Al Rules

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th July 2011.

It’s hard to believe but pop satirist and accordion player, “Weird Al” Yankovic, released his 13th album, Alpocalypse, this year. With more than 12 million records sold over a career spanning 35 years, Yankovic has mostly outlasted and in some cases, outsold, the pop music artists that were the basis for his amusing parodies.

Born Alfred Matthew Yankovic in 1959 (he turns 52 this year), “Weird Al’ released his first official single on Capitol Records in 1976. It was a parody of The Knack’s My Sharona, reworked as My Balogna. This was followed by Another One Rides the Bus, a send up of Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust. From there, as they say, the rest is history.

Yankovic’s career particularly benefitted from the emergence of MTV in the early eighties. His hilarious music video for Eat It, a parody of Beat It by one hit wonder Michael Jackson, was virtually a shot-for shot remake of the original clip and was placed on high rotation, becoming one of Al’s biggest selling singles.

No-one seemingly was safe from Weird Al’s focus. Major acts such as Madonna (Like a Surgeon), Nirvana (Smells Like Nirvana), Green Day (Canadian Idiot), Red Hot Chilli Peppers (Bedrock Anthem) and Michael Jackson (a second parody, Fat) were satirised alongside flash in the pan acts such as Coolio (Amish Paradise), The Presidents of the United States of America (Gump), Billy Ray Cyrus (Achy Breaky Song) and The Offspring (Pretty Fly for a Rabbi).

In the USA, permission is not required to record a parody of a song, however, Yankovic generally seeks permission from the original artist before working his magic. Many recording acts consider it an honour to be satirised by Al. His latest single, a spin on Lady Gaga’s Born This Way, entitled Perform This Way (the video is fantastic, check it out on YouTube) was initially refused permission by her management. When Gaga, reportedly a huge fan, found out that a decision had been made without consulting her, Weird Al was given the go ahead.

Not everyone wants the Yankovic treatment though. Vegetarian Paul McCartney did not want Live and Let Die to become Chicken Pot Pie. James Blunt’s management didn’t like the idea of You’re Beautiful being made into You’re Pitiful.

My favourite song on every Weird Al album is his polka medley. This is where he takes a dozen or so chart hits at the time of recording and recreates them as a thigh slapping, lederhosen friendly polka, complete with tubas and piano accordions. As my high school’s resident DJ in the early 90’s, I’d quite often turn school dances into Octoberfest by playing Yankovic’s Polka Your Eyes Out.

I had the pleasure of catching Weird Al’s live show earlier this year from the front row of the Enmore Theatre. More of a live theatrical performance than a concert, Al changed costume between almost every song. This meant that there were long gaps between tunes, which were filled with amusing videos, but after a while it became clear that the show was far from spontaneous. His band was amazing, with some members being with Al from the beginning of his career. Their ability to reproduce almost any style of music was uncanny.

With a career almost as long as my life so far, “Weird Al” Yankovic will hopefully be around to poke fun at the ultra serious music industry for many years to come. When the funniest thing in music these days is Justin Bieber, it is good to know that the Clown Prince of Pop is around.

Published in: on August 14, 2011 at 08:53  Leave a Comment  
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Newspaper Comic Strips: are you a three panel addict?

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 12th July 2011.

Turn to the comics page of this paper. Go on, I can wait. Check out the Garfield strip for today. Did you notice today’s date, in American format, on the side of one of the panels? That’s right. That is today’s Garfield strip for the planet. Every paper worldwide that carries Garfield has exactly the same strip today. That’s pretty amazing. There wouldn’t be a story, let alone a reporter, writer or columnist with that level of coverage around the globe. It’s a good thing that Garfield has no political or religious agenda, unless you’re for the rights of lasagne.

Garfield is carried in over 2500 publications and holds the Guinness World Record for the most published syndicated strip. Created by Jim Davis in 1978, the strip had humble beginnings, initially being published in 41 newspapers. Three years later, it was being carried by 850 publications. It is estimated that Garfield now brings in up to a billion dollars of revenue a year in sales. Not bad for a lazy cat.

Imagine how difficult it must be to come up with something witty and different every single day of the year. After over thirty years of writing, how would you know if you had used the same scenario before? Would anyone care or even notice? Do you write a single strip a day, or do you produce months of content in one big creative spurt and then have some time off? My mind boggles.

Not surprisingly, Jim Davis is no longer the principal artist on Garfield although amazingly, he still authors the storylines and text. I assume he needs the extra time to count his money. That’s what I’d be doing.

My favourite Garfield strips are the ones without Garfield. In 2008, Dan Walsh created a website, Garfield Minus Garfield, where he digitally removed Garfield and all of the other characters, leaving Jim to speak to himself. The end result is a different but hilarious spin to the franchise, with Jim’s solo mutterings, reactions and twitches being laugh out loud funny and a little disturbing at the same time. In 2008, an officially endorsed Garfield Minus Garfield book was published. It is on my Christmas wish list.

I quite like The Phantom too. Unlike most humour-based strips, the adventures of The Ghost Who Walks are told in long arcs which are split into daily strips. The story is slowly revealed in a few panels per day. The funny thing about The Phantom is that you never know where you are in the storyline. Without the context of what has happened before, the daily strip usually makes no sense. Most days, the Guardian of the Eastern Dark punches someone in the first panel, we see the mark left by his skull ring on the villain’s face in the second, and he rides off on his horse, Hero, in the third. Compelling stuff, isn’t it?

Of course, with the short term memory of a goldfish, I can never remember what happened in yesterday’s instalment but that doesn’t stop me from dutifully reading The Phantom every day and loving it. I guess as long as The Man Who Cannot Die remembers what he did yesterday, the wheels of jungle justice will keep turning.

So enjoy your comics page in today’s paper knowing that the same couple of seconds enjoyment you are getting is being shared by millions of people worldwide.

Published in: on July 12, 2011 at 12:59  Leave a Comment  
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