Peter Young Writes For You

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 8th December 2009.

With 2009 drawing to a close, let’s ponder who or what might consider the year to be a positive one, and commiserate with those who have had an annus horriblis.

2009 was a good year for…

Free to air television. With the launch of new digital channels Go!, One, ABC 2 and 3 plus 7TWO to begin broadcasting in Orange soonish, there are now many choices for non-Austar viewers. Why watch the news when you can enjoy the Flintstones instead?

Vampires. Boy wizards are so last year. With the Twilight Saga, Vampire Diaries and my favourite, True Blood, the blood sucking undead have never been so prolific in popular culture. Vampire fiction aimed at the pre-pubescent and post-menopausal demographic has become so popular that it is now a section of its own in most book shops. A sure fire money maker, my self-penned fictional saga, Vampire TAFE, will be on shelves soon.

Britney. The greatest mime artist since Marcel Marceau practically sold out her Australian arena tour. Why doesn’t she ever do the glass box?

Car wash owners. The red dust from the sky soon turned to manna from heaven for local car wash owners. I finally got my car cleaned about a month after the dust storm.

Aspiring NSW Premiers. Please add your name to the waiting list and you will soon be called up for your turn. Previous experience as a performer in a marionette show is preferred.

Michael Jackson. With a record breaking series of fifty sold-out concerts in London, a million plus in record sales, a hit movie and a renewed interest in his career, 2009 was an amazing year for The King of Pop, with one major hiccup.

2009 was a bad year for…

Michael Jackson. No explanation required.

Carbon Trading. With K-Rudd’s emissions trading scheme likely to fail in Parliament, may I suggest that Scanlens introduce a set of Carbon Trading Cards? Soon to be the newest fad to hit the school playground, children can collect and swap these cards which come with a stick of bubble gum and feature a picture and profile of a politician. Keep an eye out for the extremely rare Malcolm Turnbull card which was deemed faulty after printing and cut from the collection.

Television series storyline logic. Why can’t I stop watching FlashForward? It makes no sense. Everyone collapses and sees a vision of themselves six months into the future. An elite FBI team begins to investigate. Why does no-one in their flash forward seem to behave as though they are familiar with what is happening? Why does no-one seem to questions whether the future is set in stone? Am I thinking too much?

DVD Retailers. It must be pretty hard to make a living when the local supermarket sells the latest dvd for a third of the cost price when customers buy $100 worth of groceries. The local video store may soon be collateral damage in the war between Coles and Woolworths.

Tiger Woods. After a glorious win at the Australian Masters, Tiger celebrated by crashing his car into a fire hydrant outside his Florida home. Perhaps he should concentrate on driving towards the green and avoiding the water hazards?