A column by Alan Smithee

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 2nd February 2010.

Have you ever been unhappy with something you’ve been responsible to make, create or do? Was that assignment not up to your usual standards? Was that cake you baked not quite right? Why not follow Hollywood’s example and blame someone else, namely Alan Smithee.

Since 1968, Alan Smithee has been the pseudonym used by Hollywood directors who wish to disown a project. Of course, it is not as simple as divorcing yourself from a half-baked film (Year One or The Ugly Truth anyone?). The director must prove to the Directors Guild of America (DGA) that he or she had diminished creative control, and once granted the Alan Smithee credit by the Guild Panel, must not acknowledge their participation in the project or talk about their experiences

Alan Smithee debuted as a director in 1969 with Death of a Gunfighter. The film’s star, Richard Widmark, had artistic differences with original director, television journeyman Robert Totten. Veteran director Don Siegel was brought in to finish the project but when it came to its release, he declined to take credit, saying Totten had completed more than half the movie. Academy Award winner Widmark refused to allow the man he fired to be credited and thus Alan Smithee began his career.

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) credits Alan Smithee as the director of over 70 productions, including many episodes of television shows. The majority of his motion picture credits are for little seen movies which may have had a direct to video or DVD release but have now been forgotten or lost forever in bargain bin heaven.

Amongst the usual suspects are a few Smithee films worth mentioning. 1994’s The Birds II: Lands End stars Tippi Hedren reprising her role from the original Hitchcock classic. Bound by an awful storyline (the birds attack again, wow), this was really directed by Rick Rosenthal who went on to helm horror disappointment Halloween: Resurrection in 2002. 

The Shrimp on the Barbie was an Australian production from 1990. Starring Cheech Marin of Cheech & Chong fame, this is a fish out of water “comedy” about a jobless Mexican-American waiter who decides to seek employment in Australia. The real culprit behind this disaster was Michael Gottlieb, who had previously directed the 1987 classic Mannequin, and went on to be responsible for Mr Nanny, which starred wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan and was nominated for zero Academy Awards.

You’ll be surprised to learn that Alan Smithee has also directed several episodes of McGyver, The Cosby Show and The Twilight Zone. He also directed Whitney Houston’s music video for I Will Always Love You. He may have also sung it.

In 2000, the pseudonym was officially retired by the DGA after a movie entitled An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn was released.  Written by Joe Eszterhas of Showgirls infamy (there is a whole new column there), the film is about a director who loses control of his action flick to Hollywood producers but cruelly cannot use a pseudonym because his actual name is Alan Smithee. In an ironic twist, the real movie’s director, Arthur Hiller, ended up disowning the film and thus the production truly became an Alan Smithee film.

Following this debacle and the media attention drawn to it, Alan Smithee’s career as a director was brought to an end.

So if you’ve lost “creative control” of a project, let Alan Smithee take the fall. If you didn’t enjoy this column, Alan Smithee penned it. Alan also parked my car badly this morning. I’m also pretty sure that Alan Smithee will be cooking dinner tonight.

Published in: on February 3, 2010 at 06:39  Comments (1)  
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The future is now

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 5th January 2010.

The future has always fascinated cinema audiences. From the humble beginnings of the motion picture, fantastic depictions of life in the future have captivated moviegoers. Early sci-fi classics such as Le Voyage Dans La Lune (Voyage to the Moon) from 1902 and Metropolis from 1927 predicted, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, space travel, robots and skyscrapers.

Of course, the medium of film has been around long enough that many “future” movies are actually set in what is now our past. Let’s run through some films where the future is yesterday.

My first candidate is a bit of a cheat but the film, Nineteen Eighty-Four, which was also made in 1984, was based on George Orwell’s 1949 novel. The book’s bleak depiction of a totalitarian society controlled by Big Brother hasn’t come to pass but some would argue that the development of technologies such as closed circuit television have increased the ability of governments to monitor their people. I don’t mean to sound like a conspiracy theorist but I’ve seen it on TV’s 24 so it must be true.

John Carpenter’s Escape From New York (1981) was set in 1998 and depicts New York City as a maximum security prison. Anyone who has visited the USA lately will note that it is actually harder to get into the country than leave, but for those who don’t like theatre, hot pretzels or Seinfeld, I suppose it can be considered a lockup.

1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes is set in 2001. This was the fifth and final of the sensational apes series and starred Roddy McDowell once again in a rubbery mask. I’m pretty sure that we haven’t yet been conquered by hairy creatures unless you count Movember.

Death Race 2000 is a Roger Corman cult classic from 1975. Starring Sylvester Stallone, it features a future where the American national pastime is watching the deadly Transcontinental Road Race. Criticised by critics for its gratuitous nudity and violence, the film accurately predicted the popularity of Wipeout and Japanese game shows.

The original X-men film from 2000 is actually set in this current year. Professor Charles Xavier leads his band of heroic mutants against Magneto’s evil crew in this Hollywood blockbuster. A quick look in the papers proves that mutants live amongst us today: Kevin Rudd with his inexplicable, unwavering popularity; Jennifer Hawkins with her freakish ability to convince people to buy Myer shares; and Britney with her special power to make sound without moving her lips.

2001: A Space Odyssey from 1968 was released simultaneously as a film directed by Stanley Kubrick and a novel by Arthur C. Clarke. Accurately depicting spacecraft moving through space silently, the movie also correctly predicted voice-print identification, flat screen monitors, chess playing computers and airline on-board entertainment units. Aspects of the film that did not eventuate by 2001 (or today) include suspended animation, space hotels, moon bases and artificial intelligence of computers, although I’m pretty sure HAL lives on in my troublesome iPhone. A similar vision of the “future” also appears in the 1984 sequel, 2010.

The film industry has been pretty hit or miss with its depiction of the future. However, some years to keep in mind, just in case they get it right, are 2012 (the tectonic plates will shift and life as we know it will end, unless you’re John Cusack) and 2015 (as depicted in Back To The Future II, we’ll all have flying cars and hover boards).

Published in: on January 5, 2010 at 12:32  Leave a Comment  
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Boxing Day: The Movie

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 1st December.

Despite being a Saturday, this Boxing Day sees a number of major film releases. In the past few years, the major chain cinemas have been opening their doors mid-afternoon on the 26th of December and relaxing at the movies has quickly become a new Boxing Day tradition. Let’s have a look at what we can expect to catch at the flicks in a few short weeks.

“Old Dogs” stars Robin Williams and John Travolta as friends and partners in business who unexpectedly have to care for 7 year old twins. This family comedy sounds a little too close to Three Men and a Baby. Two men and two babies anyone? Robin Williams’ track record with comedies has been pretty poor lately (RV, License to Wed, Night at the Museum 2) so I’m not expecting much. And John Travolta starred recently in a similar sounding film, Wild Hogs, also about men coming to grips with middle age. I’d suggest this one to see with your family, if they’re still around on Boxing Day.

Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker star in “Did You Hear About The Morgans?”  This comedy is about an uppity city couple in the throes of a relationship breakdown when they see a murder and have to relocate to small-town USA as part of the witness protection program. The trailer features Grant playing a foppish Englishman and SJP looking glamorous. That must have been quite the acting challenge for both of them. Although not of particular interest to men, I’m sure we will all get dragged along to this romantic comedy if the ladies get to choose the film.

Jason Lee and a bunch of CGI creatures return to the big screen for “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel”. Surely this must be the most unanticipated sequel of the year. This time around, the boys have to deal with the arrival of a female chipmunk singing group. If you found the high-pitched, squeaky voices of Alvin, Theodore and the other one annoying in the original film, then hearing protection is recommended to deal with the even higher pitched voices of the female fluff balls. Take the kids and a few panadol to this one.

The director of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, Kiwi Peter Jackson returns with “The Lovely Bones”. Starring Marky Mark Wahlberg, Susan Sarandon and that creepy girl from Atonement, Saoirse Ronan, this film is based on the novel by Alice Sebold. Ronan plays a 14 year old girl who is murdered and from heaven, watches over her killer and family. Expect this tale of revenge to pack an emotional punch. This would be one of my top two choices for Boxing Day. Peter Jackson is a powerful director and I can’t wait to see him turn his powers to the real world after a long stay in Middle Earth. This film is highly recommended for those who need a break from the feel-good throes of Christmas.

After a run of disappointments such as Revolver (a straight to dvd failure), RocknRolla (too similar to his previous gangster flicks) and the failure of his marriage to Madonna, Guy Ritchie hopefully will triumph with “Sherlock Holmes”. Starring Rodney Downey Jnr in the titular role and Jude Law as Dr Watson, the trailer features explosions, witty lines, bawdy humour and explosions. This is my other top choice for Boxing Day. Expect this one to be the top grossing film going into the New Year.

Published in: on December 19, 2009 at 11:00  Leave a Comment  
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