Girls Gone Wild – Spring Breakers

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th September 2013.

The notion of spring break is a little alien to those of us residing in the southern hemisphere. With our seasons out of sync, the only references we have are teen movies and Girls Gone Wild videos. Controversial director Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers does little to dispel the myth and will split audiences with its confronting mix of alcohol, drugs, bikinis and bad behaviour. For the record, I liked it, but you have been warned.

The film opens with footage of students partying on the beach. The booze is flowing freely. The boys stand around leering at the nubile girls as they become even more nubile. Everyone is having a great time, except the audience. With crotch shots that linger just a second too long, Korine is deliberately making you uncomfortable. There’s a dark side to this frivolity.

We soon meet our spring breakers. Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Cotty (Rachel Korine), Brit (Ashley Benson) and Faith (Selena Gomez) are desperate to escape the humdrum of their student lives. Unable to afford a spring break vacation, the girls rob a local diner and soon find themselves partying it up in what can only be described as a Miley Cyrus music video.

At first it’s all fun and games but eventually their actions start to have consequences. Arrested for drug possession, the girls come under the influence of Alien (an almost unrecognisable James Franco). The cashed up drug dealer is all grills and guns, and leads the girls even further down the rabbit hole.

Spring Breakers has the distinction of featuring two ex-Disney stars in their first adult breakout roles. Be prepared to be “shocked” by scenes of Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place) and Hudgens (High School Musical) smoking bongs, swearing and wearing bikinis. Don’t let the DVD cover fool you though. Rachel Korine, married to the director since 2007, does all of the heavy lifting, nudity-wise.

In fact, Gomez only appears in the first half of the movie. Her character, however, is easily the most interesting of the quartet. Her Faith, torn between religious beliefs and loyalty to her friends, resonates on the screen. The other three, unfortunately, fare less well and are indistinguishable from each other, besides the colour of their swimwear.

James Franco, recently the subject of a hilarious Comedy Central roast, steals the show and almost makes amends for his dull turn this year in the even duller Oz the Great and Powerful. His Alien is all bravado and southern accent. A memorable scene features Franco performing Britney Spears’ Everytime on his poolside baby grand piano (as you do).

Spring Breakers is told in an unusual format. Although ultimately a linear narrative, Korine adopts a montage style, continually changing locations. Occasionally, we are given a glimpse of a future development which doesn’t make sense until later in the film.  This surreal format reinforces how far from reality the world of spring break is for our protagonists.

Korine divided audiences back in 1995 as the screenwriter for Larry Clark’s challenging Kids (for the record, I hated it). Now in the director’s chair with Spring Breakers, Korine once again proves a magnet for controversy. This time, however, he has the story and the storytelling chops to pull off a rewarding film for some. Love it or hate it, Spring Breakers will provoke a reaction.

Spring Breakers is now available on DVD, blu-ray and digital download.

Published in: on September 17, 2013 at 19:17  Leave a Comment  
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Comixology: comics digital style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDeqiwyjk1I

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 30th July 2013.

I’ve always loved comics. As a kid, I’d arrive at the bus stop early and browse the comic racks at the newsagency. Each week I’d receive my allowance and put aside just enough money to purchase a comic, which I would read on my way to school and reread on the return journey. I would then file the comic safely away in a shoebox where I presumed it would stay for years under my bed until it became valuable. What I didn’t know at the time was that the price the newsagent scribbled on the front cover in black marker rendered the comic worthless then and forever.

A couple of years ago, I found myself in a financial position (pre-mortgage, of course) that allowed me to have the latest comics delivered weekly from a specialist store in Sydney. Every Friday, I’d receive a package of crisp, mint condition books. I’d carefully read them before they were sealed inside acid free bags and then transferred to a comic storage box where I presumed they would stay for years in my spare room until they became valuable. What I didn’t know at the time was that there are thousands and thousands of nerds around the world doing exactly the same thing and that the vast majority of comics decrease in value over time. Only limited condition covers and pristine first editions are worth collecting.

Several thousands of dollars later, I realised that what I actually enjoyed was following the adventures of Batman, Superman and other superheroes with their underwear on the outside, not the actual physical act of collecting comics. And that’s why I’m now hooked on the Comics iPad app by Comixology.

Comixology is a platform for purchasing, reading and collecting digital comics. Both DC and Marvel sell digital editions of their printed products, as well as digital exclusive titles, through Comixology. Many major independent publishers also participate. Once you buy a comic, it stays in your virtual collection forever and is accessible via multiple devices (smartphone, tablet and PC). Actually, similar to music collections on iTunes, you are only licensing the comics for your own personal use until you die. You can’t bequeath your comic collection to anyone else.

One of the great features of the Comixology platform is the patent pending “guided view” technology, which allows the reader to follow the action panel by panel, replicating the normal action of the eye when reading a printed comic page. Both golden age and brand new comics look great in HD.

At the moment I am thoroughly enjoying The X-Files Season 10, which sees Mulder and Scully continuing to search for the truth following the events of the final episode of the TV series. I’m also keen on the ongoing adventures of the new movie universe USS Enterprise crew in Star Trek. The Walking Dead remains a perennial favourite. I’ve also just discovered Batman ’66 which continues the campy trials and tribulations of the Adam West caped crusader universe. Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods!

Published in: on September 11, 2013 at 00:15  Leave a Comment  
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New Music Roundup – August 2013

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 6th August 2013.

On a recent trip to the States, I was disappointed to find that the record shop had become extinct. I wandered the shopping districts of NYC and Las Vegas, only to find that the major music retailers I remembered from previous visits had disappeared. Only the iconic Amoeba Music store in Los Angeles remained.

So for those of you who remember albums, here’s my rundown of the latest offerings.

The Pet Shop Boys have been producing their unique brand of synth pop for the past 22 years. Their twelfth studio album is entitled Electric and is a welcome return to the dance floor after the joyless creative failure of Elysium last year. Reminiscent of their Disco series of albums, Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe have rediscovered the right combination of beats per minute, catchy synth hooks and quirky lyrics to appeal to the Tony Manero is all of us. Electric is the first release through X 2 (“times two”), their own label.

Remember Lou Bega? In 1999, he hit the jackpot worldwide with Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of…) and was subsequently never heard from again, thankfully. This week, his fifth studio album hit shelves and I’m predicting that next week, it will hit bargain bins. Entitled A Little Bit 80s, Bega gives his favourite songs from the decade without taste a little bit of the Mambo No. 5 treatment. That means dancehall style grooves and lots, and I mean lots, of synthesized brass hits. Unfortunately, Bega’s low vocal register means it is impossible to sing along with the tunes. Red Red Wine is not a complete disaster but best avoid his version of Olivia Newton-John’s Physical.

Hey, how good was Madonna’s last album? Nope, I have no idea either. Along with the rest of world, I didn’t buy it. For those interested in the other end of the Madonna timeline, an album of largely unreleased recordings has emerged under the title, The Early Years. I would suggest an alternative title: The Unlistenable Years. This collection of stodgy synthesizer tracks with avant garde German artist Otto Von Wernherr features Madonna vocals in the form of barely present samples accompanying a horribly augmented male singer. Imagine the vocal stylings from Taco’s Putting on the Ritz with Madonna on backing duties. Yep, it’s that bad.

Following a bizarre album and tour with New Kids on the Block, billed collectively as NKOTBSB, the Backstreet Boys return with a new album, In a World Like This. With Kevin Richardson back on board, the original line-up returns with a collection of inoffensive acoustic guitar riddled power ballads. Unfortunately, there’s very little in the way of hooks, making it one for the fans only. As crazy as it sounds, I’d recommend instead the also newly released offering from NKOTB (no longer new or kids) entitled 10.

Published in: on September 11, 2013 at 00:09  Leave a Comment  
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Film Review: (Don’t bother to see) Now You See Me

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 13th August 2013.

The makers of Now You See Me want you to believe that the film shares roots with Christopher Nolan’s brilliant The Prestige. Both feature the stage magic theme and Michael Caine in a prominent role. To strengthen the association, Morgan Freeman also co-stars with Caine in both this new feature and Nolan’s Batman trilogy. Unfortunately, Now You See Me is not even half as smart as The Prestige and the only magic trick on show is the filmmakers making money disappear from unsuspecting moviegoers wallets to see this mess.

The film initially shows promise as we are introduced to street magician Daniel Atlas (Jesse Eisenberg), washed out hypnotist Merritt McKinney (Woody Harrelson), street hustler Jack Wilder (Dave Franco, brother of James) and high risk illusionist Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher). Brought together by a mysterious stranger for an even more mysterious purpose, the quartet become the Four Horseman and are soon filling stadiums under the guidance of millionaire sponsor Arthur Tressler (Michael Caine).

For the finale of their Las Vegas show, the Four Horsemen seemingly pull off the impossible: making millions of euros disappear from a bank vault on the other side of the globe. This trick draws the attention of FBI agent Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) and Interpol agent Alma Dray (Melanie Laurent), as well as professional magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan Freeman).

The trickery behind this initial illusion is explained but ridiculously we’re left completely in the dark for all of the subsequent acts of magic. There is no “prestige” or final reveal. Instead, the storyline spins completely out of control until it crash lands with a highly unsatisfactory resolution. Three screenwriters are credited for Now You See Me. I suspect that they have never met.

Director Louis Leterrier’s previous films (Clash of the Titans, The Incredible Hulk, Transporter 2) have all favoured style over storytelling. Now You See Me proves no different. The Las Vegas and New York City locations are appealing, and the performances by the Four Horsemen are certainly glossy and elaborate, but it’s all distraction and little else.

The performances are all uniformly solid with everyone doing a lot with their thinly written characters. Jesse Eisenberg once again proves to be a watchable leading man, although I suspect he is only capable of playing himself. Isla Fisher is radiant and deserves her place as one of the most in demand actresses working today. Mark Ruffalo is charismatic and on a rise after his turn in The Avengers. And Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman once again play Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman, respectively.

Despite a trailer that promises so much, Now You See Me doesn’t deliver. It’s the cinema equivalent of asking someone to pick a card, any card and then walking away with no explanation.

 

Published in: on September 11, 2013 at 00:05  Leave a Comment  
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Lego of Me: Canberra Brick Expo 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7dCZsVMgs

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 20th August 2013.

As a kid during the eighties, I’d look forward to the school holidays because that meant that it might be time for the Lego World Show. Once a year or so, a Grace Bros. store in Sydney would host a travelling themed display, all made from Lego bricks. I was in kid heaven exploring the larger than life creations. One year the theme was dinosaurs, the next ships of the sea, followed by the circus and then space exploration. Of course, each show would ultimately spill out into the Lego part of the toy section. I’m pretty sure a great deal of my childhood big bag of bricks was obtained via pleading and begging at the exit of the Lego World Shows.

Earlier this year, I inadvertently wandered into the Lego store in New York City with my travelling companion to discover that he was a Lego fanatic. I walked out with a few photographs and a cheap souvenir or two. Jeff carried out a couple of hundred dollars worth of playsets. And you think that you know somebody.

Fast forward a few months and Jeff has invited me to visit Brick Expo 2013 in Canberra. Held every year since 2010, the expo is a not for profit event run by the Canberra Lego Users Group, a collective of adults and children that love, well, Lego. Last year, the event raised over $40,000 to purchase much needed equipment (not made out of Lego) for the paediatric ward at the Canberra Hospital.

The first expo attracted 4,000 people. This year, the Brick Expo was the hottest ticket in town, with the event’s 12,000 tickets completely sold out. Take that Pink! Not bad for an organisation that started out a few years ago with 4 members and now boasts a membership of 70. That’s more than the Democrats.

Wandering around the expo, I was amazed to see the wide variety of styles and themes that keep the Lego nerds of Canberra off the streets: Star Wars, Batman, trains, pirates, Star Wars, cars and ships. Did I mention Star Wars?

Obviously there were plenty of displays made from official Lego kits and playsets but I was most impressed by the original creations. Apparently, it is possible to purchase bricks of almost any colour and size directly from Lego in Denmark. It works out to about 13c per brick. My favourites were a full size playable Lego guitar and a huge framed Superman picture. My respect also goes to the guy making a life size Tardis out of bricks. Blue Lego may be a little hard to come by until he finishes it.

Brick Expo is so popular that you only get a 90 minute window to explore before your session ends and you are sent on your way. Despite the incredibly complex displays on show, it was heartwarming to see kids happily sitting around and building their own creations. It reminded me of my childhood where I would spend hours building stuff, demolishing it, building again, and then sticking pieces up my nose.

Although I’m not convinced that adult Lego fandom is for me, I have a new respect for the little Danish plastic bricks and their devotees. Now please exit through the gift shop.

Published in: on September 11, 2013 at 00:02  Leave a Comment  
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Retro Review: Masters of the Universe (1987)

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 27th August 2013.

The Hollywood studio system is a strange beast. Sometimes it creates the zeitgeist and on other occasions it misfires and is way behind trends and popular culture. This week’s retrospective review unfortunately concerns the latter. Drumroll please… Freaks and geeks everywhere, it’s time for Masters of the Universe, now available on high definition blu-ray!

To be fair, the production of a motion picture is a time consuming process and it is certainly possible for a flash in the pan trend to have its fifteen minutes of fame well before a movie can hit the silver screen. The fantastically awful Village People movie Can’t Stop the Music arrived almost a year after disco had died. Cool as Ice, a vehicle for white rapper Vanilla Ice, tanked when he failed to deliver a hit follow-up to Ice Ice Baby. And I have absolutely no explanation for the abomination that was Bratz the movie.

Masters of the Universe is another example of this phenomenon. Launched in 1983, the Mattel toyline was a major success with children everywhere, including me. Backed up by a popular television commercial campaign, better known as a cartoon series, He-Man and friends flew off the shelves until interest waned in 1985.

Unfortunately for Cannon Films, known for producing low to moderate budget flicks such as Invasion USA, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Delta Force and the Death Wish sequels, Masters of the Universe premiered in 1987. Oops.

The good news for middle aged fanboys is that Masters of the Universe looks crisp and clear on blu-ray. So clear that the dodgy matte paintings used in the beginning of the feature to establish He-Man’s home world of Eternia appear to have been lifted straight from the cartoon series. The special effects have not aged well unsurprisingly but that’s half the fun. The sound mix is disappointing, coming only in DTS-HD Master Audio 2.0.

He-Man is played by renown Shakespearean actor Dolph Lundgren, direct from his screen debut in Rocky IV. Perfectly cast, Lundgren is completely unable to emote, just like the plastic action figure. As the evil Skeletor, character actor Frank Langella seems to be the only one having fun, and that includes the audience.

Unfortunately, high definition doesn’t make a terrible film any better. I have the same problem with the film as I did when I first saw it at the age of twelve. Setting the majority of the film on Earth, obviously for budgetary reasons, is a disappointing move. As a boy playing with my He-Man toys, there wasn’t a single adventure I created which involved the gang coming to Middle America.

Many favourite characters from the toyline do not make it into the film. Sure, we have Teela, Man-at-Arms, Beastman and Evil-Lyn, but where were Merman, Stinkor, Ram Man, Trapjaw and Orko? Instead we have Gwildor, the short Thenorian inventor, locksmith and owner of some of the worst facial prosthetics ever witnessed on film.

Masters of the Universe also marks Courteney Cox’s film debut, after coming to fame as the girl pulled out of the audience in the Bruce Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark music video.

Masters of the Universe has been released by Shock DVD under its Cinema Cult label. I’m not entirely sure that it qualifies as a cult film. The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Big Lebowski are cult films. This is a just a curio for children of the eighties with high definition televisions and $15 burning a hole in their pocket.

Published in: on September 10, 2013 at 23:57  Leave a Comment  
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Film Review: Elysium

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 3rd September 2013.

South African director Neil Blomkamp burst onto the scene in 2009 with District 9. A sci-fi action flick set in Johannesburg, the film examines our world twenty eight years after a refugee alien race arrives on earth. Making a strong statement on apartheid, District 9 was well received by filmgoers worldwide and made leading man Sharlto Copley into a star on the rise. Now Blomkamp returns with Elysium, another sci-fi feature, and expectations are high.

In 2154, the earth has become overpopulated and polluted. The rich have left the planet and now reside on the space station Elysium, where they are kept healthy by machines and seem to do nothing else but have pool parties. Isn’t this the plot of Wall-E?

Back in Los Angeles, now a crime ridden dustbowl of poverty and desperation (I’m not entirely sure that it has changed much over time), we meet Matt Damon’s ex-con, Max De Costa, who has just been exposed to deadly radiation and has five days to live. His only hope is to get to Elysium. Unfortunately, his salvation is off limits to all but the elite and he is forced to hijack his way off the planet.

Pursued by Agent Kruger, Sharlto Copley’s homicidal secret police officer, De Costa is also at odds with the plans of Elysium’s Secretary of Homeland Security Delacourt Rhodes, played by Jodie Foster.

Elysium retains the same visual aesthetic set by Blomkamp in District 9. His slums are really…slummy. This time the apartheid allegory is replaced by the refugee debate, very topical in today’s political climate. A scene where a spaceship laden with asylum seekers (or is that Elysium seekers) is blasted en route to Elysium really struck home for me. The film’s message may be at times heavy handed but at least it has something to say, unlike recent sci-fi blockbusters such as Oblivion and Prometheus.

Just like District 9, the action and violence is brutal and raw. I winced several times as Copley’s Kruger dispatched the good guys with his particular penchant for blowing the human body to pieces. In a rather gruesome scene, Damon’s De Costa has a powerful exoskeleton literally screwed onto his body in order to become a fighting machine.

Matt Damon is an appealing leading man, with the acting chops and physical gravitas required for an ex con who will do anything to save his life, and maybe the lives of others. I have no explanation for exactly what Jodie Foster is doing in this film, except delivering her lines in a multitude of strange accents. Wasted in a barely two dimensional role, I half expected her to start twirling a moustache as the evil Elysium powerbroker. And the only compliment I can give Sharlto Copley is that he is 100% dedicated to a performance that makes his Murdock in The A-Team movie seem subtle.

Elysium is a step sideways for Blomkamp. Hampered by a few dodgy performances and an overpowering moral message, he nonetheless once again creates a believable world, albeit with police robots and health spa space stations. I am looking forward to where Blomkamp will take me next, as long as it isn’t a slummy slum.

Published in: on September 10, 2013 at 23:55  Leave a Comment  
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Film Review: Red 2 – Electric Boogaloo

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th September 2013.

Remember that movie from 2010 which featured Dame Helen Mirren at the helm of a .50 calibre machine gun? Red, which is an acronym for Retired, Extremely Dangerous, also starred “mature” actors Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich playing against type as former black-ops agents called back into action when their lives are threatened by assassins. Oh, and the film was headlined by Bruce Willis playing, um, Bruce Willis. A modest hit at the box office, Red was buoyed by the novelty of seeing highly regarded dramatic actors blowing stuff up.

In yet another example of an unwanted sequel (Kick-Ass 2, The Smurfs 2 or Grown Ups 2 anyone?), Willis, Mirren and Malkovich are joined by Catherine Zeta-Jones and SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS* for even more geriatric hijinks, except that this time there is absolutely no novelty value. Just more of the same…

Frank Moses (Willis) is making an earnest effort to enjoy his retirement with girlfriend Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker) when a failed mission from his past returns to haunt him. Reuniting with former colleagues Marvin Boggs (Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich) and Victoria (Mirren), Moses attempts to track down a nuclear weapon hidden beneath the Kremlin by brilliant yet crazy physicist Dr Edward Bailey (SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS). With Russian secret agent, and Moses’ former flame, Katya (Zeta-Jones) plus the world’s best assassin Han Jo-bae (Lee Byung-hun) on their trail, the team blast their way through Paris, London and Moscow.

Red 2 marks three sequels in a row for Bruce Willis who nowadays seems to be acting on autopilot with the engine on smug. I’m pretty certain that you could take scenes from A Good Day to Die Hard, G.I. Joe: Retaliation and Red 2, cut them together and you would never know they are from different films. I’m not entirely sure that Lee Byung-hun, who has now co-starred with Willis on two consecutive films, was even aware that he had moved on to a new production. Explosions… Guns… Bruce Willis… Which film is this anyway?

There is also some very obvious product placement which sees entire scenes take place inside a Costco store and a Papa John’s Pizza outlet. Surely in a movie based on a comic book (there are even animated transitions between scenes to remind you), some fictional stores would suffice? I suppose we all need to eat. And when I eat I like to shop at Costco and enjoy a piping hot pie from Papa John’s Pizza! Cheques can be forwarded to me via the CWD.

Red 2 is not without its charms. There is great chemistry between the leads which generates plenty of funny quips and put-downs. Malkovich steals the show with his mentally unstable Marvin Boggs, a victim of decades of daily LSD doses as an experiment by the CIA. And Mary Louise-Parker is clearly having a great time as Moses’ girlfriend who longs for the exciting life of a secret agent.

Director Dean Parisot (Galaxy Quest) has managed to put together an unremarkable but largely enjoyable sequel that does very little to advance the franchise. For my money, watch the original again instead.

*An actor of such magnitude as SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS requires that you say his name aloud whenever reading this review, no matter where you are enjoying this column. Thank you for your cooperation.

Published in: on September 10, 2013 at 23:52  Leave a Comment  
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Crowdfunding on a Tenner

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 9th July 2013.

Have you got $10* burning a hole in your pocket? Well, here are a few exciting crowdfunding ventures that could do with your dosh. Best of all, they come with some sweet rewards too.

Great Scott!! It’s hard to believe that Back to the Future will be celebrating its 30th anniversary in October 2015. Filmmaker Jason Aron has big plans for a documentary examining the cultural impact of Robert Zemeckis’ franchise which spawned three films and launched Michael J. Fox to motion picture stardom. Back in Time will premiere at the We’re Going Back celebration to be staged in Hollywood in 2 years time. For $10 you’ll assist with raising the $33 120 required for the project and receive a digital download in HD of the final film. Think of it as buying yourself a little present and sending it forward to 2015. How’s that for time travel? Of course, if you have a spare $4000 lying around you can earn yourself an executive producer’s credit on the documentary. You’ll find this project on kickstarter.com.

Artist Clint Cure in Melbourne wants to produce an unauthorised comic book biography of Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson. Why? Who cares? It’s Peter Jackson with all his hobbitty goodness in comic book form. Cure began his animation career with Walt Disney Studios in Sydney and needs a measly $250 to get his project off the ground. For $10, you’ll get a printed copy of the comic delivered to your door, signed by the artist. You can support this project on pozible.com.

I bet you’ve never heard of actor Jesse Heiman, but I also bet you have seen his work. Jesse is one of the most prolific extras working in Hollywood today and you’ll catch glimpses of him in Old School, Catch Me If You Can, American Pie, Spider-Man, The Social Network and the TV series Chuck, amongst many others. With his rotund figure, curly hair and glasses, he’s pretty hard to miss once you know his face. Magic Happens Productions, based in LA, are hoping to make a feature length documentary, Jessie Heiman: World’s Greatest Extra, which will follow a year in the life of the actor. For $10, you’ll contribute towards the $65 000 budget for principal photography and get acknowledged with a shout out on twitter and facebook, plus gain access to the exclusive production blog. If getting officially listed on IMDb is a priority for you, $10 000 will make you an executive producer. This project is on kickstarter.com.

Lastly, Brisbanite Robin Bristow has invented a set of useful kitchen funnels. Bigmouth Funnels pack flat and unlike standard funnels, have a wide mouth that allows you to refill almost anything. With several design awards under his belt, Robin is seeking $5000 to fund a new manufacturing process. For just $10, you’ll get a small and large funnel sent to you, and help an Australian designer on pozible.com.

Published in: on July 23, 2013 at 17:55  Leave a Comment  
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Sharknado Sucks: a review

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 16th July 2013.

Last week, the latest internet sensation set the social media world abuzz. And hopefully, just like planking and South Korean one hit wonders, Sharknado will be long forgotten in a couple of days. However, in the interest of your sanity, I have bravely watched the horrible pile of cinematic poop that is Sharknado so that you don’t have to. No thank you cards or flowers are necessary. It’s my job.

Sharknado comes to us thanks to production house, The Asylum, and US cable channel SyFy.  The Asylum is responsible for the vast array of mockbusters, cheap knockoffs of major film releases, which litter video store shelves everywhere. Transmorphers, Paranormal Entity or Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies anyone? SyFy is renowned for its low budget Saturday night creature features. Put these two cinematic behemoths together and what do you get? The answer is Tara Reid being attacked by flying sharks.

Our hero is Finlay “The Fin” Shepherd, played by Ian Ziering, of original 90210 fame. He’s a former surfing champion who now owns a bar on the Californian shoreline. The movie opens with him catching a wave, accompanied by his best friend, Baz, portrayed by Australian “actor” and ex-Baywatch star Jaason Simmons. For some reason known only to the screenwriters, a freak hurricane strikes Los Angeles, resulting in tornados infested with airborne sharks. Why are sharks only affected by this phenomenon? I guess flying killer whitebait is not very interesting.

Within minutes, a sharknado strikes, innocent limbs are ripped off and Baz is viciously bitten by a shark. After being rescued by Shepherd, Baz is soon back at the bar showing no signs of injury except a small dressing on his leg. Despite the chaos and death around them, the patrons of this seaside establishment happily continue drinking and playing pool until sharks start throwing themselves through the windows, literally.

With further sharknados approaching, Shepherd must save his estranged wife, played by a disappointingly non-nubile Tara Reid, and daughter, who live 6 miles inland. Yep, inland. The guy in the bar literally on the water’s edge during a hurricane must rescue the people 6 miles inland.

Strangely, there is no official government or military response to this bizarre catastrophe and only Shepherd and his company of idiots can save Los Angeles, by dropping bombs via helicopter into the sharknados. How can a bomb stop a tornado? Why are there more sharks in the tornados the further they move inland? How does a shark biting into the roof of a SUV cause it to explode? How can a shark climb a rope? Why do the sharks drop out of the sky when they are shot? Are they actually magic flying sharks? Why am I watching this garbage?

I don’t know which is worst: the incredibly low budget production of this film or the logic of the premise.

Scenes have been edited together with no regard to continuity. A close up of an actor sitting on a surfboard on flat ocean is followed by a wide shot of the same character with huge waves around them. In the middle of a hurricane, we cut to an actor backed by blue sky. Sharks are swimming through muddy floodwaters, but then the stock footage close up shows a creature swimming in crystal clear water. To save money, there are plenty of close ups featuring actors reacting to stuff, and there are CGI wide shots showing tornados and sharks, but no footage with both in the same frame.

Imagine being sucked deep into the sea and despite not being able to breathe, the the first thing you think about is lunch. That’s the equivalent to the weird premise of Sharknado. Wherever there is water, sharks can somehow attack: drainpipes, manholes, toilets, bubblers…nowhere is safe.

It’s not all bad. No wait, it is all bad, but the bit I hated the least was a laughable tribute to Quint’s famous Indianapolis shark attack speech from Jaws, delivered by an actor who has no right to call herself that.

The film’s climax features Ian Ziering leaping into a flying shark’s mouth, chainsaw first, only to cut himself out, dragging his son’s presumed dead girlfriend with him. How did she get there? Wasn’t she gobbled by a shark earlier in the movie? You know, of all the sharks, in all of the sharknados, in all the world, she’s eaten by mine. Not breathing, she requires CPR and then does the movie coughing up water revival schtick. Why was she drowning inside a flying shark?

Sharknado is not the worst film I have ever seen, but it is the worst “bad” film I’ve seen. I don’t mind a “so bad, it’s good” movie, but this is just bad. I sure hope the actors had fun making it, because I certainly wasn’t having any.

The film’s only chance of salvation comes from the metaphysical. The slim budget meant that the only people seemingly affected by the shark attacks are our lead characters. What if the sharknado is only happening in their minds?

Published in: on July 23, 2013 at 17:53  Leave a Comment  
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