The Razzies 2010: celebrating the worst in cinema

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 11th January 2011.

It’s that time of the year again. The awards season is soon upon us, and for members of the Golden Raspberry Foundation such as myself, it’s time to review all of those terrible movies from the past twelve months and ensure that they get their well deserved nomination in the 31st Annual Razzie Awards.

It may not be as exclusive as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with its ninety members voting for the Golden Globes, or the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences with their fancy Oscars, but the Golden Raspberry Foundation is still rather difficult to join. You need a Paypal account and a whole thirty five American dollars to become a member. As I’m not eligible to vote for the Logies (you need to be a fourteen year old girl for that), participating in the Razzies is my only way to flex some democratic muscle in the world of showbiz.

Right now, the awards are in the nomination stage so let’s have a look at who gets my vote to be listed on that final ballot paper. I’ll preface my choices by saying that I didn’t deliberately seek out terrible films to waste away my precious time watching but that sometimes I succumb to the marketing ploys of the Hollywood machine and spend my hard earned dollars on garbage thinking “it can’t be that bad.” Unfortunately, it usually is.

A special new category this year is Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3D. The obvious choice would be the very realistic ceiling collapse scene at the cinema in Bathurst but I’ll give my nods to the awful rendered into 3D post production disasters that were The Last Airbender and Clash of the Titans. I didn’t get a chance to see Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore but I’ll nominate that one too. Talk about the sequel that no-one demanded. Just like no-one wants to see Rain Man 2: Qantas Does Crash.

It’s a shame that I can’t nominate Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never 3D in advance. I’m sorry, but if I wanted to see a movie about a cheeky singing and dancing fictional cartoon character, I’d see Yogi Bear 3D. Speaking of which, the voice talents of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake are not enough to save this flick from my nomination either.

My entire allocation of nominations for the Worst Actress category could be filled with the cast of Sex and the City 2 but that would be too easy. Case 39 stars Renee Zellwegger and was released in Australia two years ago. However, this horror thriller about a demon child (another perfect descriptor of the Bieber fever movie) was so bad it was held back from US release until now. Want to do a perfect Renee Zellwegger impression each and every time? Just imagine a hamster staring at the sun and you’ll never go wrong. Katherine Heigl, who can’t seem to turn down any romantic comedy, and the vacuous Megan Fox will also get my nominations for Killers and Jonah Hex, respectively.

Throw in the bland and expressionless Kristen Stewart (on and off-screen) from Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Miley (Smiley Virus) Cyrus for The Last Song and that’s my set.

Sam Worthington’s Aussie Perseus in Clash of the Titans is certainly worthy of a nomination in the Worst Actor category. Prince of Persia: The Sand of Time saw Jake Gyllenhaal able to reverse time. Unfortunately washboard abs don’t substitute for acting. I think everyone in the audience wished for the power to turn back the clock after watching this 3D turkey. Gerald Butler also can’t say no to a romantic comedy, good or bad, but mostly bad. His dodgy turn in The Bounty Hunter makes his subtle performance in 300 (this is Sparta!!) seem positively Shakespearean.

The Last Airbender is my sole nomination for Worst Picture. It represents everything that is wrong with Hollywood, Bad 3D and M. Night Shyamalan. Famous for his Hitchcockian twists, the twist at the end of this live action cartoon adaption was that there were no refunds.

The official nominations for the 31st Annual Razzie Awards will be announced on Monday 24 January with the official presentation ceremony usually held the night before the Oscars. It’s still not too late to participate in the nomination and voting process. Join now and make a difference (perhaps).

http://www.razzies.com/

Published in: on January 11, 2011 at 10:42  Comments (1)  
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‘Cause you gotta buy Faith

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 4th January 2011.

This year will see the re-release of George Michael’s iconic solo debut Faith. Originally released way back in 1987 to critical and popular acclaim, the album spawned many memorable hit singles such as Faith, I Want Your Sex, Father Figure, Monkey and Kissing a Fool. With sales in Australia exceeding 350000 copies (that’s five times platinum) and twenty million copies shipped worldwide, there are plenty of us out there who might be nostalgic enough to replace our worn out cassette and vinyl editions with the remastered and repackaged CD editions.

Faith was a truly solo effort from the former Wham! frontman. Not only did he write and produce every track bar one on the album, he also played almost every instrument. Amusingly, this probably wasn’t much different to his Wham! days as it is alleged Michael’s partner in crime and “guitarist”, Andrew Ridgeley, usually had his instrument turned right down, Linda McCartney style, during live performances. I guess at the time, we also thought he was singing about women, but that’s a different story.

To help George earn back all of the money he spent on his extended Australian holiday after his tour of Perth, Sydney and Melbourne last year (Grindr must be expensive), you’ll have the choice of the standard remastered 2 disc edition, the 2 disc plus DVD deluxe edition and for the ultimate fan, the super deluxe collectible edition, complete with a vinyl copy of the album, sleeve notes, rare pictures, replica tour pass and a hardcover book.

I’m not entirely certain why, with the exception of financial reasons, Sony or George Michael would choose to celebrate Faith’s twenty fourth anniversary and not wait another year for the quarter century. With this dubious timeframe, let’s have a look at some other albums that are also celebrating their pewter anniversary (there is no symbol for the twenty fourth so I made one up) and also deserve the remastered super mega deluxe and a cherry on top edition treatment.

INXS’s Kick is easily their best recording to date. Fusing their previous rock sound with a dance groove, they used the power of the music video to sell millions of albums on the back of such strong singles as Need You Tonight, Devil Inside, New Sensation and Never Tear Us Apart. Now sadly languishing around the nostalgia scene with multiple best of compilations on the market as well as a dodgy reinterpretations album, INXS have become their own cover band. A deluxe double disc edition of Kick was released in 2004 to celebrate its (drum roll please) seventeenth anniversary.

John Mellencamp, then John Cougar Mellencamp, also released The Lonesome Jubilee in 1987. A rock, folk and country hybrid, it produced the hit singles Cherry Bomb and Paper in Fire. With steel guitars, accordions and violins featured, this album pioneered the country rock sound that led the way for Shania Twain, Taylor Swift and Cameron Daddo. A remastered edition of The Lonesome Jubilee with a whole one extra song was released in 2005 (its eighteen anniversary).

Midnight Oil’s Diesel and Dust was ranked by Rolling Stone as the thirteenth best album of the eighties. With a strong environmental theme and a focus on the plight of the Aboriginal communities, this concept album was spearheaded by the singles Put Down That Weapon and Beds Are Burning. On its twenty first anniversary in 2008, a remastered edition of the album was released with a bonus documentary DVD. Personally, I think the Oils should follow George Michael’s example and celebrate its twenty fourth anniversary with a deluxe edition including some actual diesel and dust, plus a bonus insulation bat.

The demise of the vinyl album also saw the death of the gatefold sleeve and all the pictures, notes and goodies that came with it. There’s not much you can say in a CD booklet. Great albums deserve to be celebrated and polished up for re-release but perhaps only at significant milestones. Deluxe editions allow collectors and fans to access B sides, demo versions and memorabilia (at a price) but don’t wish too hard, 2011 sees the tenth anniversary of Nikki Webster’s Follow Your Heart album.

Published in: on January 4, 2011 at 19:34  Comments (1)  
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Film Review: The King’s Speech

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 28th December 2010.

According to reports, the most “Oscar worthy” film of the Boxing Day releases is The King’s Speech. Focusing on King George VI’s struggles with a stutter and his interactions with Australian speech therapist, Lionel Logue, the performances of lead actors Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush are already being touted for Oscar nominations. In order to properly review the film, I thought it was important to appraise The King’s Speech from a cinematic and therapeutic perspective so I enlisted Sydney speech therapist Lyndal Sheepway to join me for an expensive but comfortable Gold Class Boxing Day screening.

The Story

Peter says: The triumph over adversity storyline is nothing new, although this is a little known true story. Apparently when approached by the filmmakers, The Queen Mother gave permission for the dramatisation but only after she was dead, so traumatic was the actual event. To me, the stakes were simply not high enough. A rich, powerful monarch with a speech impediment is not quite My Left Foot or Rain Man is it?

Lyndal says: I was reasonably unfamiliar with the storyline before seeing the movie but thought that anything involving a speech therapist was surely going to be interesting! Unfortunately it didn’t really pack a punch for me. Like Peter, I didn’t think the stakes were high enough, and the final triumph wasn’t all that triumphant.

The Performances

Peter says: The disability card has certainly worked well Oscar-wise for Dustin Hoffman (Rain Man), Daniel Day-Lewis (My Left Foot), Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) and Geoffrey Rush (Shine) but a stutter is completely treatable. If Mr Darcy deserves an Oscar, it should be for his sublime performance in last year’s A Simple Man. Aussie Geoffrey Rush plays, well, an Aussie Geoffrey Rush. After stints at Hogwarts and Wonderland, Helena Bonham Carter returns to her strengths, playing a stoic English upper class lady. Guy Pearce is surprising effective in the small but important role of King Edward VIII who abdicates the throne for American socialite Wallis Simpson.

Lyndal says: I really wasn’t convinced by Colin Firth’s stutter. A little boy who plays one of Geoffrey Rush’s clients does a more convincing job. Geoffrey Rush plays the same character he often does, but called this one a speech therapist. Helena Bonham Carter definitely shows her versatility playing the wife of a king, while in the cinema next door she’s a Death Eater fighting Harry Potter. The best Australian accent in the film comes from an artificially aged Jennifer Ehle (Elizabeth Bennett to Colin Firth’s Mr Darcy) who plays Geoffrey Rush’s wife. Also great to see Guy Pearce back on the screen, even if only for a short time.

The Speech Therapy

Peter says: I’m not a speech therapist but I’m pretty sure jumping up and down whilst humming and rolling around on the floor are not part of today’s speech therapy techniques. The King’s Speech and Drama Coach is more like it.

Lyndal says: Peter’s right. Some of the techniques used in the film are rather dubious. We now know for sure that stuttering is not caused by anxiety or childhood experiences. Therapy during the days of King George VI was based on this incorrect assumption. The techniques are essentially ineffective – The King’s stuttering doesn’t improve all that much, and he insists that his therapist should be with him all the time. These days we help people so that they don’t need us around all the time. Speech therapy has definitely come a long way since World War II. And most of us are more attractive that Geoffrey Rush!

Overall

Peter says: I’m sure Mrs Rush would disagree with you. This film is all a little too low key for me. Just like The Queen, this would make a riveting TV movie, but besides the scenes in Ely Cathedral (standing in for Westminster Abbey), the picture is simply not cinematic enough to deserve the big screen. This film is definitely not in the same league as The Hurt Locker or even Slumdog Millionaire. I’m sure it will be nominated as Best Picture but it shouldn’t win. That honour should be reserved for Yogi Bear 3D.

Lyndal says: Can I review Yogi Bear with you too, Peter? Seeing The King’s Speech was a good way to spend an afternoon, but it would be just as enjoyable on DVD. For me, it lacked a hook. The improvement in the stuttering wasn’t strong enough, the bond between the king and his speech therapist wasn’t strong or convincing enough, and the country’s fear about the impending war wasn’t communicated through the film at all. It doesn’t get my vote for an Oscar.

Peter says: So you have voting rights? Go Yogi. Thanks for joining me. Ha-ha-happy new year!

Lyndal says: Thank you for the Gold Class experience! And the sundae!

Published in: on December 27, 2010 at 23:27  Comments (1)  
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I hate Christmas shopping

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 30th November 2010.

It’s a big shame that Christmas falls at such a busy time of the year. Moving it to a quieter month would give me much more time to do my shopping.

I was in a fancy candle shop this past weekend, purchasing a Christmas tree shaped candle. Don’t ask me why. I suppose I’ll be able to experience the spirit of Christmas next time there’s a blackout. Anyhow, the shop assistant approaches me and asks if she can help. I ask her if she’ll do my Christmas shopping. She looks unimpressed, although not nearly as unimpressed as when she took my EFTPOS card and asks what account I would like it on, and I replied, “Yours.”

It was during this shopping trip I realised that with so little time left until the big day and with so many presents to buy, plus the fact that I hate present shopping, I should come up with a plan to purchase as many gifts as possible in one transaction.

I didn’t last much longer in the candle shop. Giving someone you love a Christmas themed candle on December 25 is pretty much a gift for the year after, much like giving someone a Christmas album. You also need to consider that no matter how beautiful a fancy candle may be, once it has be used, it will look exactly the same as every ordinary candle. Coincidentally, I’ve been told that after too much beer and turkey at Christmas time, and no exercise, my body resembles a melted candle, but that’s a different story.

Why not give everyone a calendar? They’re practical and unlike Bieber fever, will last a whole year. The problem is too much choice. There seems to be more calendar themes than there are people to buy them. Is there really a market for that,” Black Cats Looking Rather Startled and Slightly to the Left of the Camera” calendar? And I object to paying full price for something that will be heavily discounted eight days later, on January 2.

Gift vouchers can be awkward. Not only does the recipient know how much, or how little, you have spent on them, but it also indicates a lack of trust. “Here, instead of giving you money to buy whatever you want wherever you want, I’m going to force you to buy something in the store of my choosing, and you only have six months to do it or you miss out. Merry Christmas.”

Those charity cards are a great idea, but not necessarily a great gift to receive. Basically, you give somebody a card that says that you have bought a goat for someone in Africa. They’re a worthy concept, but a complete non-event in terms of Christmas excitement. I tried them on my family a few years ago and they were not impressed. I’m pretty sure the only way they could have been more unimpressed was if I actually bought them a goat each.

With Christmas ever looming, I decided that my only course of action was to bite the bullet and set myself a challenge. I went on one shopping trip to one store with two hours to buy all of my presents. I picked one of those big chain bookstores that also stocks movies, music and giftware. Two hours, one transaction and five shopping bags later, I was out the door and Christmas shopping 2010 was done.

So this Christmas time, why not save time and effort by purchasing all of your gifts at the one time with as little thought as possible? That way, you can spend your time enjoying the finer things in life, like relaxing by the pool, watching the cricket and laughing at people who still haven’t started their Christmas shopping.

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 20:15  Leave a Comment  
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The Joys of Christmas

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 7th December 2010.

Don’t you just love December? Who doesn’t look forward to the warm dry summer weather, cicadas buzzing from every tree, cherries for sale on street corners and Australia dominating at the cricket? OK, so only the cicadas have eventuated this year so far but December also brings with it several other seasonal traditions, all of which I could definitely live without, namely bad television, Christmas music and movies.

Last year I wrote about some of the worst Christmas albums ever. They truly are a money grabbing exercise from our friends at the multinational record companies. What is the point of an album that is only useful for a few weeks a year? You know that it is all about the money when Kate Cerebrano releases a Christmas album. I didn’t realise that Scientologists celebrated Christmas. Maybe Xenu and Jesus have the same birthday.

There’s nothing that inspires me more when I’m doing my compulsory Christmas present shopping than some upbeat festive tunes piped into the shops. That is, inspires me to rip all of my hair out and stick hatpins into my ears. There are Christmas decorations everywhere. Santa hats and stupid t-shirts abound to reinforce the fact that it is Christmas. I do not need Mariah Carey screeching her way through All I Want for Christmas Is You to remind me that it is December.

How do retail staff stay sane with Christmas tunes on constant rotation all day? Surely this breaches occupational health and safety regulations? It must be even worst with those elf ears on. Imagine hearing Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime all day through gigantic super sensitive ears. I’d certainly frequent a shopping centre that uses the marketing ploy of “We know it’s Christmas, so do you, let’s not speak of it again, carry on as usual.”

December is also the time when the TV ratings people take some time off, leaving us to watch repeats, “summer editions” and all those shows that were axed after a couple of episodes in the US. Thank goodness for pay TV. How else would I get my fix of umpteen episodes of The Simpsons each day? Actually, the festive break is a good time to break out the DVD box sets and catch up on all of those shows I didn’t have time to watch during the year.

It is such a shame that the Cops LAC box set has been indefinitely postponed, due to lack of interest. I was really looking forward to reliving Kate Ritchie trying to be a hardnosed cop. Actually, I was looking forward to reliving Kate Ritchie trying to act. Poor Kate, even the Brady Bunch Variety Hour got a DVD release!

Christmas movies are another December inevitability. Personally, I like to watch movies to escape from reality. When I’m panicking about shopping, cooking and seeing my family, the last thing I want to do is see a Christmas movie about people panicking about shopping, cooking and seeing their families.

I’ve made a list and checked it twice. These Christmas movies are terrible.

1. Jingle All The Way (1996): Arnie struggles to find a Turboman doll for his son, and with the English language.

2. The Santa Clause 1, 2 and 3 (1994 – 2006): A trilogy? The Lord of the Rings and old school Star Wars deserve to be called trilogies. This should be known as a “we-accidentally-made-three-of-them-ogy.”

3. Christmas with the Kranks (2004): What is it about Tim Allen and bad Christmas movies? Unbelievably, this was written by John Grisham. Yes, that John Grisham.

So this December, bring on the warm weather. Actually, forget the heat. I just want it to stop raining. You’ll find me away from the shopping centre and television, enjoying the sun with my friends, being deafened by cicadas and eating cherries until I puke. I love Christmas.

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 20:12  Leave a Comment  
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A Year In Film 2010

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 14th December 2010.

With the end of the year looming and it becoming very clear that my crazy Christmas schedule will not allow me to see the inside of a cinema before Boxing Day, here are my top five films of 2010. I haven’t frequented the flicks as regularly during this past twelve months compared to previous years so I have also listed what I think will be the critics’ top five picks, the majority of which I haven’t seen, but hope to, eventually.

My top five

5. Daybreakers – Directed by the talented brothers Peter and Michael Spierig from Brisbane, this clever Australian flick turns the vampire mythology upside down by creating a world populated by the undead with humans being the endangered food source. Featuring international stars Willem Dafoe and Ethan Hawke, with local actors Sam Neill and Claudia Karvan, this is a vamptastic sci-fi horror. The feature length making of documentary included on the blu-ray is fascinating.

4. Piranha 3D – Forget your lush alien planets and their blue skinned residents, this is exactly what 3D cinema should be about. It was crass, bloody and deliberately badly acted, and I loved it. A hoard of hungry, primeval flesh eating fish get unleashed upon a lake full of nubile teens celebrating spring break. Ok, so it’s not Shakespeare but you’ll laugh and scream as various body parts jump out of the screen at you.

3. Kick-Ass – Based on the Mark Millar comic book, this smart action comedy directed by Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake and Stardust) subverts the standard super hero movie genre and shows that actions have real consequences. Starring Nicholas Cage hilariously channelling Adam West’s Batman and featuring a breakout performance by Chloe Grace Moretz, don’t be distracted by the controversy regarding the use of a certain sensitive word, Kick-Ass is exactly what it says on the tin.

2. Toy Story 3 – The perfect farewell to some very well loved characters. Pixar continue their unbroken run of beautiful, near perfect pictures that somehow manage to reach out to the child in all of us. Released theatrically in 3D, nothing is lost in the two dimensional version now available on DVD and blu-ray. I may have shed a tear at the end but I’ll deny it if you ask me.

1.5 Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – Alright, so I can’t count. From the director of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, Edgar Wright, comes the strangest romantic action comedy of the year. Scott Pilgrim, played by Michael Cera, who hopefully has gone to the wimpish nerd character well for the last time, must fight off the seven evil ex-lovers of the beautiful Romona (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) in order to win her heart. A flop at the cinemas, this is destined to be discovered on DVD and will soon be regarded as a classic.

1. Animal Kingdom: Wow, a home grown film as my number one. This Aussie crime drama will devastate you. With outstanding performances by Ben Mendelsohn, Guy Pearce and newcomer James Frecheville, this is Jacki Weaver’s movie. Her portrayal of the matriarch of a crime family is stunning. I know that Australia has gotten a bit of a reputation for producing depressing drug and crime dramas lately but you simply must see Animal Kingdom.

My predictions for the critics’ top five

5. Let Me In

4. The Social Network

3. Toy Story 3

2. The King’s Speech

1.5 Sex and the City 2 (just kidding)

1. Inception

Published in: on December 19, 2010 at 20:07  Leave a Comment  
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Classic ABC Filler Music Videos

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 23rd November 2010.

In my column last week, I took a trip down memory lane, or in my case, Olola Avenue, Castle Hill, and reminisced about my favourite ABC kids afternoon programs from the eighties. That little adventure awoke another remnant of a memory.

During the late seventies and eighties, the ABC wasn’t the slick operation it is today. There were no promotional ads for upcoming shows, and so the couple of minutes left between programs were filled with early music videos. These videos ran repeatedly whenever there was time, and so I guess over many viewings, they became the basis of my love for music, or at the least, one hit wonders.

All of these music videos are burnt into my brain. I remember the tunes, the words, and pretty much every detail of the music videos. If only I knew the names of the songs.

A little research online gave me the names and artists of each music video, with the exception of one elusive clip. This one was an instrumental, kind of a sea shanty, and the video featured a bunch of women doing some sort of traditional dancing in a white room, while the musicians looked on. Ten points to you if you already know the answer.

And now, direct from 1980 or so, via my rather poor memory, are those pesky music videos that eluded me for so long.

Bright Eyes was the theme song from the 1978 animated film Watership Down, based on the Richard Adams book of the same name. Art Garfunkel, of the little known musical duo Simon and Garfunkel, performed the song in his famous falsetto. The song was composed by Mike Batt, who was also responsible for discovering Katie Melua and writing The Wombles hit novelty albums.

Even today, Bright Eyes haunts me. The book is depressing and sad. The tune is depressing and sad. The video, which features cute animated rabbits happily hopping around fields and then being caught in snare traps and dying, is depressing and sad. As a six year old, the sombre nature of the music video was certainly not lost on me, and I’d often be found sitting in silence, thinking about “those poor Bright Eyes rabbits.”

Love Is All was a popular single from the rock opera concept album, The Butterfly Ball and the Grasshoppers Feast, which was composed by Roger Glover, of Deep Purple fame. With glass shatteringly high lead vocals from Dio frontman, Ronnie James Dio, the animated music video features a cavalcade of animals singing and dancing.

On review, the video is not just animals singing and dancing. The video has serious psychedelic overtones. That’s not just a frog playing a guitar leading the animal parade. That’s a frog that turns into a shrub which then sprouts five singing frog heads. I’m sure some serious drugs were involved in the making of the album and video. Not that I’m complaining. Anything is better than the dead rabbit song.

OK, so I’m sitting in a car with a close friend chatting about these mysterious videos. I mention the elusive mystery one and she pops up with the answer immediately. “Oh that’s Portsmouth, by Mike Oldfield,” she says. Sure enough, there was the video on YouTube, just as I remember it, except for the multiple musicians watching the dancers. Only Mike Oldfield appears in the clip, playing different instruments in different shirts, obviously over multiple takes.

And thus another one of my life’s great mysteries has been solved. If you know of any other music videos from that era, drop me a line via my website. And whatever you do, avoid Watership Down.

Published in: on November 22, 2010 at 19:45  Comments (164)  
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After-school ABC TV in the eighties rules

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 16th November 2010.

Growing up in the eighties, I have vivid memories of racing home from the school bus every afternoon to make sure that I didn’t miss a moment of the ABC’s early evening programming. Now this was well before pay TV where kids (and stoners) have access to cartoons all day every day. There was only one timeslot each day for the latest Japanese anime series followed by an endlessly repeated BBC show.

I recently attempted to revisit some of my childhood favourites to see if they still held appeal. The results were disappointingly mixed. Perhaps I should’ve left my rose coloured glasses on.

At four thirty, my afternoon TV fest usually started with a dubbed Japanese cartoon. My favourite was Star Blazers, a space opera that focused on the journey of the starship Argo and its crew to Iscandar, a planet with the resources to save Earth from the evil blue skinned Gamilons. Star Blazers was one of the first animated series to have major storyline arcs and an episodic structure. In my head, the show ran for months and months. In reality there were three seasons with a total of seventy seven episodes.

I bought the season one box set this year. I made it through two episodes before the box was put on the shelf for eternity. The show is humourless and overly dramatic with terrible voice acting. Just add Kate Ritchie and you’d have Cops LAC.

Other animated shows from that timeslot include Astro Boy and Voltron. The latter was a daily toy commercial and it certainly worked on me. Between my brother and I, we had the complete set of lions that joined together to form Voltron, a giant robot warrior. If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t try to prevent JFK’s assassination, I’d go back and tell my ten year old self to keep those Voltron (and Star Wars) toys in their boxes. Mint toys from that era are worth a fortune.

At around five o’clock, the BBC shows would start. Metal Mickey was a sitcom that starred a man in a giant robot costume. Every episode would end with a “hilarious” disaster where the very clumsy robot would accidentally smash through Styrofoam walls to blatantly canned laughter whilst the catchy theme jingle played. The show is available on DVD in the UK but after catching a few clips on YouTube, I decided against paying big bucks to watch an expressionless robot who occasionally says something funny. Insert your own Kate Ritchie joke here.

Doctor Who was on perpetual repeats in this slot too, usually from the Tom Baker era and in my mind, usually The Ark in Space story. You know, the one with the dodgy giant space caterpillars. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to sit through that one, but I’ll never look at bright green sleeping bags the same way again. I really enjoy the new Who, but I probably could live without another journey to the alien planet where the balsa wood walls shake every time you walk past them.

The Goodies and The Kenny Everett Video Show also usually aired just before Peter Russell-Clark’s Come and Get It, a five minute cooking show that signified the end of the kiddie programming for the evening. I still adore Tim, Graeme and Bill. I own several Goodies DVDs and could probably watch their exploits on repeat and find something new to laugh about each time. I’ll also perform the Funky Gibbon song on request.

The Kenny Everett show was an interesting choice. It’s a racy sketch comedy starring a gay comedian featuring the sexy and nubile Hot Gossip dancers. What perfect programming for kids. Actually, that might explain an awful lot about my sense of humour, and my dancing. I look forward to putting a few Kenny Everett DVDs on my Christmas wish list.

OK, so my tastes have changed a lot since then but at the time, these shows caught my imagination and probably influenced my growth, or lack of, somehow.

Published in: on November 20, 2010 at 12:33  Leave a Comment  
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Charity begins in the home (and in the shopping mall)

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 9th November 2010.

They say that charity begins in the home. In my case, that would be at around seven on a weekday evening just as I am about to sit down for dinner. The phone rings and it’s an annoying charity telemarketer. I’ve developed a tactic to avoid these calls. Usually there is a delay between the moment you pick up the phone and the salesperson at the other end speaking. That is because a computer randomly picks you and your number from a marketing list or the phone book, calls you and when you answer, it then connects you to a salesperson.

My unproven theory is that by hanging up during the delay, you get to avoid a long sales pitch but the computer still records you as a successful call connection with the telemarketer. So far, this tactic has worked well for me, with the exception of a few times when my mum was a little slow off the mark and I hung up on her. If a call does manage to get through, the promised two minute sales pitch is inevitably a twenty five minute one. I have taken great delight in allowing the telemarketer to give me his or her full length spiel about children in Africa with Bieber fever before calmly telling them that I wasn’t interested. For those short of time, dismissing them at the very beginning of the call works too. However, if the telemarketer gets to start their speech, it is pretty hard to cut in as I’m certain that their script is deliberately written to have no gaps. In that case, try snoring sounds or faking the engaged tone.

Those charity people in shopping centres annoy me too. I really don’t mind someone collecting money for a good cause, but these bubbly and friendly kids don’t want your cash, they want your bank details. They’re not working for the charity as volunteers either. For the life of your monthly payments, someone must be getting a commission. I’d rather my charity dollar go directly to a needy cause. Supporting backpackers is not a needy cause.

If you get a chance, watch the area where the charity folk are spruiking from afar. It is amazing how far shoppers will go out of their way to avoid them. Whether it is pretending to check out that really interesting walking frame in that window over there, or simply taking the scenic route, just as Darwin predicted, we’ve all naturally evolved to evade predators.

Have you noticed how they try to draw you in by saying something quirky to you as you pass, usually about your clothes? Last week I got, “Hello, Mr red shoes, baggy pants, fancy jacket and messy hair.” I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Perhaps Bozo the Clown was walking behind me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big supporter of charities and the work that they do. I just strongly feel that I should approach them to assist and not the other way around. Once I’ve shown interest in a charity, then sure, bombard me with information and requests for money but at least the initial contact wasn’t unsolicited.

If my call is going to be used for training purposes, then I trust that your trainer will use this recording to teach you the importance of not interrupting me when I’m trying to enjoy a meal with my family or friends.

Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 07:38  Leave a Comment  
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Classic Songs + TV Ads = Shite

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 2nd November 2010.

There’s nothing quite as crushing for a music fan than finding out that one of your favourite songs has been crudely converted into a jingle, hawking the latest triple double heart stopper burger or the like. What’s even more terrible is that a whole generation of children will only recognise the classics as “that song from the toilet paper ad.”

When I was growing up, I discovered and came to love the music of my parents’ generation by scouring through their record collection. When they were out I’d examine every detail on the gatefold sleeves before very carefully placing the needle on the vinyl, being especially careful not to scratch the record. This is how I discovered artists like Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones, sitting beside a tinny record player, following along with the lyrics over and over until I knew them by heart.

Dad also had two cassettes that he had on constant rotation in his green Carolla, Abba’s Arrival and a random Beatles compilation tape that I’ve never found in any official discography. I don’t care how much you remaster and clean up these albums, Dancing Queen and Hey Jude sound best to me through two mono car door speakers.

 That’s how great music should be discovered, not through a television ad.

One of the worst offenders this year certainly has to be the insurance ad that mutilates Moving Pictures’ What About Me. Prior to it being slightly tarnished by a Mr Noll, this was a timeless Aussie ballad with great lyrics and melody. How could one improve on this? Why not add horrible whiney lyrics sung in embarrassing ocker accents? I’d like to file a claim. Your ad sucks.

Brian Wilson is a musical genius who composed “teenage symphonies to God”. Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys is and will be my favourite album for all time. I’m sure Brian will be spinning in his grave or at least his sandpit if he heard the ad which features a bunch of overly excited salespeople prancing around to Good Vibrations. OK, so he’s not dead but you get my point. You know how the ads feature some customers who watch on with unimpressed looks on their faces. I’m pretty sure they aren’t actors. I’ll pay cash if you just stop.

 English ska band Madness produced some timeless pop classics in the eighties including Baggy Trousers and Our House. How pleased they must be to know that their perennial single It Must Be Love now features in an ad for nappies. A wonderfully romantic song that captures a beautiful moment in the human experience is now reduced to babies and bottoms. I’m sorry, but the nappies aren’t the only things being pooped on right now.

Writing of nappies, I’ve also noticed that MC Hammer’s You Can’t Stop This, which itself sampled Rick James’ Superfreak has now been converted to a jingle that features the line, “Stop, potty time.” OK, it’s far from a classic but even the man who composed the Addams Family rap deserves better treatment than this.

 Of course, I understand that there is big money in licensing these songs and songwriters and artists need to make a living. I just hate to see wonderful aural creations of art be trashed just to sell me some funeral plan insurance.

Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 07:35  Leave a Comment  
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