B Movie Buffet

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 16th April 2013.

Every so often I feel compelled to visit my local non-specific video store and take advantage of a special offer in order to bring you my B Movie Buffet. The popcorn is ready and the sneeze guard has been removed. Let me watch the dross so that you don’t have to.

First up in this cavalcade of clunkers is Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, a sequel to the 2006 original which was based on the Konami video game. Starring unknown Australian actress Adelaide Clemens, the film also features appearances from returning stars of the original, Sean Bean, Radha Mitchell and Deborah Kara Unger. Ah, the power of contractual obligation. The movie impressively adopts the nightmarish imagery of its source material. Abandoned hospitals, bizarre creatures, faceless scalpel wielding nurses…they’re all here. Just like the video game, the film also has no discernible plot whatsoever. The filmmakers really need to look up the meaning of “revelation” in the dictionary.

WWE Superstar Mike “The Miz” Mizanin stars as the third incarnation of the titular character in The Marine: Homefront, a direct-to-DVD entry in the franchise from WWE Studios. This reasonably new production company was established to showcase the acting talents of WWE wrestlers. Insert laughter here. In the prologue, the film explains that US marines are trained to deal with any situation. After watching this unintentionally hilarious film, this obviously includes saving your sister from terrorists embarking on the dumbest scheme ever with flaws and assumptions big enough to drive a tank through.

Next up on the conveyer belt of cheese is Red Dawn. A remake of the 1984 original which starred the late Patrick Swayze, this teen action flick was actually made in 2009 but delayed due to MGM’s financial problems. Prior to the film’s release last year, the remake’s villains were changed from a Chinese invading force to North Korean. There’s a lot of money to be made at the box office in China compared to North Korea, you see. Aussies Chris Hemsworth and Isabel Lucas lead up the Wolverines, a rebel fighting force formed by some good looking teens who manage to escape the initial invasion. In a ridiculous training montage, Hemsworth transforms the rag tag group into a tight military unit in a single day. Plot holes abound. How do the North Korean soldiers parachute into Spokane and then suddenly have tanks and jeeps? How do the Wolverines infiltrate the city to carry out their missions when everyone else appears to be locked down? Why do I care? My verdict: Tomorrow When the Bore Began.

Last up is the pick of the litter, although that’s not saying much. Here Comes the Boom stars Kevin James of The King of Queens fame. He plays a biology teacher who becomes an MMA fighter in order to raise funds to save his school’s music program, run by The Fonz. There are a few laughs to be had, and I must admit to rather enjoy seeing James, an incredibly annoying comic, get punched and kicked in the head. A predictable ending leaves a saccharine taste in the mouth, and it’s no surprise that this lightweight sports comedy comes from Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler’s production company.

Published in: on April 17, 2013 at 19:16  Leave a Comment  
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Concert Review: Paul Simon Live – 2 April 2013 Sydney Entertainment Centre

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 9th April 2013.

Many, many moons ago, for my twelfth birthday party, I compiled a wish list of cassettes that I wanted to receive from my family and schoolmates. For the uninitiated, cassettes were the precursor to compact discs and had a tendency to melt in the car on hot days in summer. They were also much harder to use as drink coasters.

My list was varied and contained just as many albums that would be considered classics as embarrassments. For every Crowded House debut album, there was a Rick Astley disaster. For every Kick by INXS, there was a Tiffany album. As always, I will deny owning these terrible albums if asked (I’m still talking to you, Doug, the newspaper guy).

One cassette I loved from the moment I pressed play was Graceland by Paul Simon. My gateway track was the hit single You Can Call Me Al, which featured a music video starring Chevy Chase, back when he was funny (he later became funny again in the hit comedy series Community but sadly left the show last year, which for fans like me wasn’t funny).

Graceland was the amalgam of Simon’s pop and folk roots and his discovery of South African music. Every track is a gem and the album, which celebrated its 25th anniversary last year, is still on regular rotation in my home and car (on CD even).

So it was with great excitement that I witnessed a 70 year old Paul Simon in concert at the soon-to-be-demolished Sydney Entertainment Centre last Tuesday night. I missed his support act, Rufus Wainwright, but heard some audience members giving him scathing reviews in the foyer, so I may have dodged a bullet there.

Opening with the Graceland classic, Gumboots, it was clear that the capacity crowd were in for a musical treat. Simon’s eight piece multi-instrumentalist backing band was absolutely remarkable and recreated the sound of the Graceland tracks, in particular, flawlessly.

In his awkward introductory speech, Simon announced that he wanted to play an upbeat set, which was fine by me as I had just driven for three and a half hours from work and had the same journey ahead of me immediately after the concert. Hit after hit followed in rapid succession: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard, The Obvious Child. Unfortunately, the overzealous security folk kept those wanting to dance in their assigned places, however, with a largely baby boomer audience, arthritis may have also been responsible for everyone else staying comfortably seated.

Simon performed six Graceland tracks during the show, including You Can Call Me Al, as well as songs from his earlier solo work right up to his new album, 2011’s So Beautiful or So What. He also performed some covers including a beautiful version of George Harrison’s Here Comes the Sun.

Returning for his third encore, Simon announced that he felt like playing some Simon and Garfunkel tracks and sent us all home after two hours of pure musical bliss with joyful renditions of America, Homeward Bound and The Boxer. I might have shed a tear or two during the final track. I said “might have”, Doug.

Published in: on April 9, 2013 at 18:42  Leave a Comment  
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Bad Movie Choices for Dating

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 2nd April 2013.

It’s strange how we regularly choose the cinema as a social experience. What’s social about sitting in a darkened room where it is impolite to make conversation? I suppose having that shared experience to discuss afterwards makes all the difference. What did we like about the film? What did we dislike about it?

I quite like going to the cinema alone. One of my favourite film experiences was watching Wolf Creek as the only person in the cinema. My backpacking days came quickly to an end after that one.

Selecting the right film is always a dilemma, especially when trying to impress someone of the opposite sex. As a cinefile, I appreciate all types of films, but there are clearly terrible choices which can turn date night into Fright Night. Here are some of my biggest mistakes. In the interests of protecting the innocent, I won’t name names and if ever asked about this, I will deny that it ever happened (this means you, Doug the newspaper guy).

So the year is 2000. You’ve asked a girl on a first date. You’re at the box office and you suggest that an Aussie film would be a great choice. Eric Bana is that funny guy from TV. His film debut should be hilarious, right? Wrong. About twenty minutes into Andrew Dominik’s Chopper, Bana’s titular character has been stabbed in the gut. There is blood everywhere. I look across to my date. She’s looking down. Wait, she’s not looking away from the visceral violence on the screen. She’s not looking anywhere. She’s passed out.

Trust me, assisting a faint, clammy girl out of the cinema is not a great start for a date. It is, however, a pretty definitive ending. I did go back later and see the rest of the film. It’s brilliant.

Jumping backwards in time almost a decade, I asked the smartest girl at school on a date to a Saturday afternoon matinee. How quaint! The year is 1991 and in hindsight, there was an amazing array of superb films on offer: Cape Fear, JFK, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Silence of the Lambs. Which film did I actually choose? Suburban Commando, starring Hulk Hogan, of course. This cinematic abomination is neither funny nor dramatic. As an actor, the Hulkster is a fantastic wrestler. Whilst remaining friends throughout school, we never spoke of this date again (Girl X and I, not Hulk Hogan and I).

My final embarrassment came during my university years. I frequented the Sydney Film Festival every year and was keen to share my film discoveries with anyone who would listen. I asked a girl to see a film that I was keen to champion, an underrated Aussie gem starring Jack Thompson and a young actor named Russell Crowe.

It was only when the lights darkened and I was thinking about trying the Yawn and Stretch Technique™ that I remembered that The Sum of Us was a tale about a father and son coming to terms with the son’s homosexuality. Although by definition a romantic-comedy, and still a film I recommend, this selection was not necessarily in line with the message I was trying to send. That date ended with a handshake. Enough said.

Trust me, choosing the right film is vital to romance. Learn from my mistakes. I’ll leave you with one last rule, which I learned the hard way. It goes like this. Don’t drop a mega-sized Coke on your date at the beginning of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and insist on staying for the rest of the film.

Published in: on April 9, 2013 at 18:38  Leave a Comment  
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ShamWow! The Movie

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 26th March 2013.

The problem with film reviewing is that I have to watch the good and the bad. For every magnificent Paul Thomas Anderson masterpiece, there’s a Paul W. S. Anderson schlockfest. One of my goals for the year is to watch the American Film Institute Top 100 in order, starting from the bottom of the list. I’ve seen 39 already but will rewatch them all on my way to Citizen Kane.

This week I experienced a film that most definitely belongs on the other end of the scale. In fact, I am pretty sure that I can declare this The Worst Film I Have Ever Seen™. Worst (or best) of all, it’s directed by the “ShamWow!” Guy.

Most people would know Vince Offer as the infomercial pitchman for such vital household products as “ShamWow!”, Slap Chop and Schticky. What you probably don’t know is that, despite selling millions of absorbent towels, Vince considers his pitchman job as a side project. His true calling is comedy filmmaking.

The Underground Comedy Movie was released straight to DVD in 1999, and is directed by and stars Offer. The movie employs a sketch comedy format, and according to the DVD jacket, “follows the hilarious tradition of The Kentucky Fried Movie.” Hmm, let’s see. The latter was helmed by John Landis (The Blues Brothers, Animal House, An American Werewolf in London) and is a hilarious fast paced comedy from 1980, with a plethora of guest stars. The Underground Comedy Movie is unfunny, overlong and tasteless, with three or four Z grade cameos, directed by a hack.

So besides sharing a sketch comedy format that replicates someone changing channels on a TV, Offer’s film debut is not even in the same league.  Unless also being released on a DVD in a plastic box is considered following tradition. In that case, you could say that The Underground Comedy Movie also follows in the tradition of Gone with the Wind.

I think there would be a reasonable case for false advertising. There is no comedy in this film. In fact, the DVDs were probably only manufactured in a factory that handles and processes comedy. The underground part of the title is best used as a direction for use before you watch it.

How do these sketches grab you? A Batman parody featuring a man dressed in a baseball uniform, carrying a baseball bat… Two supermodels going to the toilet… A superhero character with a head that resembles genitalia… A hip hop talk show with a guest from the KKK… I can hear you chortling from my typewriter.

How about The Miss America Bag Lady Pageant, featuring a cameo from Guns N’ Roses’ Slash? Or the late Michael Clark Duncan in a sleazy bar resisting advances because he wants to save himself for the right man? The hilarity never stops. It never starts either.

I honestly did not laugh once. I will only confess to a single titter during a rather aged Baywatch parody where the camera keeps getting distracted by girls in bikinis, ignoring the lifeguards dramatically rescuing people.

The Underground Comedy Movie is just awful. Luckily, its R18+ classification should keep away its intended audience until they are old enough to know better than to waste 90 minutes and $5 on this junk.

I want my time back. I want my money back. And I want a Schticky.

Published in: on March 26, 2013 at 19:15  Comments (1)  
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Film Review – The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th March 2013.

I’ve always been a little dubious when it comes to movie titles that consist of a character’s name. For every Erin Brockovich there’s a Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. For every Michael Clayton, there’s a Mr Deeds.

Blame Adam Sandler. He certainly cornered the market on this, starting with Billy Madison, his finest comedic turn in my opinion, and then Happy Madison. It’s all downhill from there but that’s another column.

And so it was with a little trepidation that I experienced The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Steve Carell stars as the titular Las Vegas magician whose act has became stale. A split with his long time stage partner, Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi) and the growing popularity of newcomer street magician Steve Gray (Jim Carrey) forces Wonderstone out of his luxurious casino apartment and onto the streets. With the help of veteran magician Rance Halloway (Alan Arkin), the man who inspired him to become an illusionist, Wonderstone must rediscover his roots to win back his place onstage at Ballys.

Carell is a gifted comedic actor but I’ve never been convinced that he can carry a film on his own. Smartly, he surrounds himself with a fantastic supporting cast. Most recently seen in the brilliant HBO series Boardwalk Empire as Enoch “Nucky” Thompson, Steve Buscemi reminds us that he can do comedy too with a scene stealing turn as Wonderstone’s naive offsider. Alan Arkin is one of the best character actors working today and shines as a disgruntled retired magician. And Jim Carrey is all abs and tattoos as the sinewy unhinged Steve Gray, a thinly veiled clone of street magician Criss Angel.

But the true stars of this movie are the crazy wigs. Carell, Carey and Buscemi are regularly upstaged by their Copperfield-tastic rugs.

Screenwriters Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley also penned Horrible Bosses, a comedy with a nasty streak that starred Jason Bateman and Kevin Spacey. This time, they hold back on the black humour in favour of sight gags and slapstick.

Director Don Scardino is a veteran TV comedy director best known for his work on 30 Rock, and handles proceedings with a solid but unremarkable style.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone has enough gags to keep you tittering throughout its 100 minute running time. Unfortunately, most of them are featured in the trailer. The best laugh of the film comes right at the end of the film. I won’t spoil it except to say that it is worth the wait.

You could do worse than this flick for your hard earned movie dollars. I just don’t think we’ll be talking about it in a few years. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is a solid but unremarkable comedy. Only time will tell if it will be remembered as a successful movie named after its lead character.

Published in: on March 19, 2013 at 06:45  Leave a Comment  
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Crowdfunding Conundrum

richard-cheese

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 12th March 2013.

In my very first column for the Central Western Daily way back in 2009, I discussed my interest in microloans via kiva.org. This fantastic non-profit organisation allows investors worldwide to collectively loan small amounts of money to entrepreneurs. No interest is charged by Kiva and when the loan is repaid, investors may reinvest their $25 share in another project.

Since then, this model of collective finance has become popular and is now known as crowdfunding. There are many different platforms for investors and entrepreneurs but the emphasis has shifted away from loans towards investment and incentives.

Music fans can purchase “parts” in musicians and bands through sellaband.com and receive limited edition CDs should enough investors pledge to fund a new project, usually an album. Kickstarter.com, pozible.com and indiegogo.com allow punters to invest in creative and technological projects in exchange for incentives.

There are literally thousands of projects available, from short films and theatre productions to books and inventions, each with its own range of incentives and offers. For a dollar or so, you might get a thank you acknowledgement online. For $20 – $50, you may receive a DVD, CD or t-shirt. For $1000 or more, you may receive an executive producer credit on a film, or a private gig with your chosen band.

Like all investments, there is an inherent risk. There have been reports of some entrepreneurs disappearing after funding has been released as well as complaints about extended delays with fulfilment of incentives.

One of the many success stories of crowdfunding has been lounge singer Richard Cheese, portrayed by Mark Jonathan Davis. With cheeky album titles such as I’d Like a Virgin, Aperitif for Destruction, Tuxicity and Lounge Against the Machine, Cheese has developed a cult following for his swinging arrangements of popular hits.

To date, two new Richard Cheese albums and a biography have been crowdfunded via kickstarter.com.  With a busy tour schedule, online merchandise store and worldwide fanbase, I assumed RC could be considered a successful independent musical act, so I was surprised to receive an email inviting me to participate in another Richard Cheese crowdfunding project, corneal transplant surgery.

Cheese is seeking $19500 to help fund the surgery on his left eye. Cursed with congenital eye problems since birth, RC has been unable to get health insurance and had been saving towards the vision restoring operation until two unplanned abdominal surgeries over the past year wiped out his finances. With failing vision, it has become almost impossible to tour and music piracy has decreased his income from record sales.

After pledging $35 towards RC’s operation in exchange for a signed photo, I went for a quick scout around indigogo.com and found over 1000 different health related projects seeking funding, from assisting a stroke victim to return to work, to a couple wanting financial help to adopt twins.

I was floored.

A week later, I still have mixed feelings about crowdfunding shifting into the realms of health. Firstly, it’s a sad indictment of the American health system and I’m really glad I live in a country with Medicare. However, I’m impressed by the ingenuity of Richard Cheese and others to seek alternate means to improve their health. On the other hand, I’m concerned about the lack of fairness in an open market where the flashiest project may get more attention than others, which may be just as worthy. What do you do if you don’t have CDs and autographed photos to give away?

Anyway, whilst pondering the pros and cons of health crowdfunding, please visit indiegogo.com and send a few bucks towards my (or your new) favourite lounge singer, Richard Cheese.

Help Richard Cheese now

Published in: on March 12, 2013 at 14:16  Leave a Comment  
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Walking with The Walking Dead

Walking Dead Promo

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 5th March 2013.

To celebrate the return of post-apocalyptic zombie drama The Walking Dead to Australian pay TV, series star Norman Reedus made a promotional trip in January to our shores. Besides a sold out Q & A session after a screening in Sydney as part of the ever popular Popcorn Taxi events (which I couldn’t attend), he also shot a live action promo for FX, the home of The Walking Dead.

To help populate the commercial, FX took to social media inviting fans to volunteer as extras by sending in a headshot. My dashing good looks must have served me well (or perhaps my resemblance to a rotting zombie), because I received an invitation to the shoot which took place in a studio in Alexandria on the Australia Day public holiday.

To be transformed into a zombie is every fanboy’s dream, however, it seemed that my wish wouldn’t be coming true this time around. Firstly, I was well aware that the actors portraying the reanimated dead for the actual show attend zombie school. Secondly, we were asked to bring along travelling clothes and a suitcase for the shoot which was to take place in an “airport” setting.

Upon arrival on set, my predictions were confirmed. The studio was set up as an arrivals terminal, complete with metal detectors and baggage scanners. There was little activity in the makeup room. Alas, this promo for The Walking Dead would be minus any walking dead.

I had done a little extra work when I was a teen. The novelty of being on a film set wore off pretty quickly and there was a lot of waiting around. I can report that not much has changed in the twenty years or more since I roamed the halls of Summer Bay High. It was, however, pretty fun to chat to other The Walking Dead fans and eat as much junk food as possible from the craft services table.

Pretty soon I was put to work walking through the airport set, wheelie bag dragging behind me, until they called for a cut. We’d then wander back to our “first positions” and do it all again. And again. And again.

Things became more interesting with the arrival of our guest star. Reedus plays fan favourite character Daryl Dixon, a Southern redneck with a penchant for killing zombies with his signature crossbow. Reedus is also known for co-starring in The Boondock Saints, a cult action flick infamous for its troubled production under first time director Troy Duffy.

The good news is that Reedus was a gentleman. Softly spoken, he was keen to interact with the fans between takes, joking (I hope) that he had very little idea about the storyline of the commercial. Although we weren’t allowed individual photos with him, we all had a group shot with the guest star and on my way out after the recording concluded he shook my hand at the door. I also took home a signed poster and a pretty awesome zombie t-shirt for my troubles.

I did get into a little trouble for posting a sneaky photo of Reedus on twitter during the shoot. I thought that was somewhat ironic considering that FX acquired their extras for free via social media. I took down my post and reposted it after I received my goodie bag. Heh heh.

The promo premiered in February and I am proud to say that you can see me (well, at least three quarters of my face) about 18 seconds into the commercial. Apply for my autograph care of the Central Western Daily.

Published in: on March 5, 2013 at 19:09  Leave a Comment  
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4DX: Not the future of cinema

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 26th February 2013.

4dx logo

As the resident cinephile for the CWD, the question I’m most often asked is, “What’s your name again?” The second most often asked question is, “Is 3D the future of cinema?” My answer to that is a resounding no. 3D cinema is a gimmick. A pointless, headache inducing gimmick if utilised badly. Take Clash of the Titans, Wrath of the Titans or Thor, for example. An impressive gimmick if used correctly in films such as Life of Pi, Hugo and Avatar, but a gimmick nonetheless.

A question that I wished someone would ask me is, “What’s not the future of cinema?” I actually have an answer to that one. It’s definitely not 4DX.

4dx cinema

At the moment, there are only a few 4DX equipped cinemas in the world, and the closest one to Australia is located at the Paragon Cineplex inside the gigantic Siam Paragon shopping centre in Bangkok. On a recent visit to Thailand, I had the opportunity to try out 4DX, and the bad news is that it’s more of a theme park attraction than an immersive cinema experience.

The 4DX cinema consists of hydraulic motion chairs with 3 degrees of freedom. They pitch, roll and heave along with the action on the screen. Built into the seats are air jets that simulate bullets whizzing above and beside your face. There are also jets that replicate splashes by spraying water in your face. Back and leg ticklers kneed you from inside the seat. A bass shaker vibrates your backside. Speakers placed in the headrest scream into your ears. But wait, there’s more.

4DX

There are fans installed in the roof to hit you with gusts of wind. Foggers fill the cinema with smoke. Fragrances are released to enhance the emotions and moods portrayed on the screen. There are bubbles for no particular reason at all. And did I mention that the films are in 3D too?

My 4DX movie was Upside Down, starring Kirsten Dunst (Spider-Man) and Jim Sturgess (Across the Universe), which is yet to receive a release date in Australia. This fantasy romance is set on twin planets which share the same atmosphere, resulting in two worlds with opposing gravities. Sturgess’s Adam falls in love with Dunst’s Eden. The only problem is that she lives in the world above him, and it’s upside down. Chaos (and some woeful physics) occurs.

Featured films are not generally rendered into 4DX by the filmmakers or film studios. The seat movements and other effects are programmed by the South Korean company which developed the technology. This results in a bizarre experience where the in-house special effects are more about showing off the capabilities of the format than enhancing the storyline.

4dx

My seat moved around at times with no regard to what was happening on the screen. During a scene set high on a mountain, the foggers filled the room with smoke. This certainly enhanced the cloudy atmosphere portrayed on the silver screen. Unfortunately, all I could see was smoke and no screen.

Upside Down featured lots of outdoor scenes. For some reason, the 4DX programmers decided that it was windy every time the action ventured outdoors. With the wind effect fans working overtime, I was cold for most of the film. I didn’t mind the air shots which synched with gunfire although I’m not sure why I deserved a kidney punch from the chair during a fight scene. With the 4DX system supposedly capable of reproducing 1000 different scents, I only noticed one during my screening. I will forever associate Kirsten Dunst with urinal cakes.

4DX cinema experience

At a premium ticket price of 400 baht ($13), compared to a standard screening ticket of 230 baht ($7.50), a 4DX screening in Bangkok is hardly going to break the bank for most Australian tourists. My advice would be to give it a go but leave within the 30 minute refund window, get your money back and enjoy the film in a nice, comfortable, non-moving seat, then spend the difference on a funny t-shirt at the markets.

Published in: on February 25, 2013 at 12:01  Leave a Comment  
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Film Review: The Last Stand

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 12th February 2013.

In July 1994, Arnold Schwarzenegger had his hand and shoeprints immortalised in concrete outside the iconic Mann’s Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard. Below his name is scrawled the Austrian Oak’s most famous catchphrase, “I’ll be back.” Following a disappointing “final” performance as Prince Hapi in the rather terrible Around the World in 80 Days, it was unclear if Schwarzenegger would return to the silver screen following his eight year service as Governor of California, which concluded in 2011. I’m pleased to say that Arnie has lived up to his word and will indeed be gracing our multiplexes with five new films over the next two years starting with The Last Stand.

Warming up with two cameos in the either-love-them-or-hate-them The Expendables series (for the record, I love them), Schwarzenegger is the marquee attraction once again under the direction of Korean Jee-woon Kim (responsible for the haunting I Saw the Devil). Arnie plays Sheriff Ray Owens, an ex-LAPD narcotics officer, who has retreated to the sleepy town of Sommerton Junction, Arizona for the quiet life. As you do. How many Austrian ex-LAPD narcotics officer sheriffs do you know?

When Mexican drug lord Gabriel Cortez, played by Eduardo Noriega (The Devil’s Backbone), escapes from FBI custody, only the Governator and a bunch of local characters stand between Cortez and the Mexican border, as the fugitive races towards them in a modified Chevrolet Corvette under pursuit from Forest Whitaker’s bumbling Agent John Bannister. Chaos ensues. And it’s good chaos.

The Last Stand has been rated MA 15+ in Australia and I’m not surprised. Despite a silly storyline and the presence of plenty of humour, the gun violence is bloody and explicit. Heads explode. Many blood squibs were sacrificed during the making of the film. It’s a good thing that Arnie has publically stated that he doesn’t believe that there is a parallel between film and real gun violence because if there was ever a convincing argument that the stockpiling of weapons in case of emergency is a good idea, The Last Stand is it.

Clearly Schwarzenegger has chosen to ease himself back into acting by taking on an undemanding role, a past-his-prime lawman. Many of the jokes revolve around Arnie being worn out and old. Surrounding himself with solid character actors also helps to overcome any acting rust (or is it sawdust?). Luis Guzmán and Johnny Knoxville are fun as the comic foils. Knoxville seems to be forging himself a career playing “simple” characters. Between his Jackass films and his acting credits, I’m not convinced he actually is acting. Whitaker is collecting a paycheck but brings a gravitas to his FBI agent who is always a step behind the drug lord’s henchmen, lead by the menacing Peter Stormare, of Prison Break fame.

The Last Stand is not ground breaking but will satisfy action fans who yearn for a return to the hard hitting action flicks of the eighties. The titular last stand is completely bonkers and well worth the wait.

Arnie is back. Relax, de-engage brain, hear the lamentation of the women and enjoy.

The Last Stand opens on February 21.

Published in: on February 18, 2013 at 10:56  Leave a Comment  
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Razzies Form Guide 2013

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th February 2013.

It’s the movie awards season again and my favourite ceremony will take place in Hollywood on February 23. Celebrating the worst in film, the Golden Raspberry Foundation (of which I am proud member and voter) will award the Razzies, gold spray painted plastic trophies worth $7.50 each, to cinematic clunkers and wooden performances that have horrified audiences over the past year. I’ve just submitted my voting form so here are my choices from the cream of the rancid crop.

My Worst Picture: Battleship I would only play a board game if there was nothing else to do. And that includes sleeping, pushing hot needles into my eyeballs and watching that Gangnam Style music video again. I feel very much the same way about movies that are based on video games and feature robots onscreen. By this I mean Brooklyn Decker and Taylor Kitsch attempting to “act” and Liam Neeson in permanent grizzled mode, not the Transformers-style robot baddies.

My Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart Ah, the many facial expressions of K Stew. There’s bored. And, well, that’s it. The fact that she was outacted by a bizarre CGI head stuck on a baby in the last instalment of the Twiglet saga and made Chris Hemsworth’s attempt at a Scottish accent seem competent in Snore White and the Huntsman, means that the gong should go to this dynamic, versatile actress.

My Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy Why does Eddie keep going back to the turgid family friendly well? Two words: contractual obligation. His latest disaster A Thousand Words mercifully bypassed Australian cinemas but can be found in a bargain bin near you. Murphy plays a slimy literary agent whose interactions with a spiritual guru result in the appearance of a magical tree. For each word he speaks, one leaf falls off the tree. When the final leaf falls, who cares? Cherish your family blah blah blah.

My Worst Supporting Actress: Brooklyn Decker   Former model Ms Decker followed up her nomination in the Worst Screen Couple category (alongside Adam Sandler) at last year’s Razzies for Just Go with It, with a dual nomination for her wooden efforts in Battleship and pregnancy comedy What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I couldn’t bring myself to see the latter movie. I suppose I knew what to expect: dross. I do, however, like What to Expect When You’re Expecting for its assistance with my word count.

My Worst Supporting Actor: Liam Neeson How do you follow up the laughable but action packed The Grey and the action packed but laughable Taken 2? Why not reprise your role as Zeus in the beardtastic Wrath of the Titans and play the humourless Admiral Shane in Battleship? I guess we all have to eat. Shakespearean actors Vanilla Ice and David Hasselhoff are also nominated in this category but nothing compares to a great thespian knowingly slumming it in terrible films.

And the rest…

My Worst Screen Couple: Robert Patterson and Kristen Stewart (Twiglet)

My Worst Director: Peter Berg (Battleship)

My Worst Screen Ensemble: The Entire Cast of Battleship

My Worst Screenplay: Battleship

There goes my sponsorship from Hasbro. The winning losers will be announced on Oscars eve.

Published in: on February 18, 2013 at 10:48  Leave a Comment  
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