Peter Young and the Column of Words

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 8th March 2011.

A throwaway line during a movie review in the UK has inspired the production of a low budget film in Australia. During a review of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief on BBC Radio Five Live last year, respected film reviewer Mark Kermode made fun of the film, criticising it as a knock-off of the Harry Potter franchise. It was so derivative that, according to Kermode, it may as well have been called “Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins.”

Kermode, along with radio host Simon Mayo, command a loyal and sizeable UK audience via their two hour movie review and interview show every Friday, which is also available to the rest of the world via podcast. Naturally, this witty title took the imagination of listeners everywhere and following many texts and emails to the show, a few fan produced posters for the proposed film appeared online.

Late last year, Australian writer and director Jeremy Dylan announced that he would be putting his own money on the line to actually produce the film and in January, the world premiere of the low budget satire Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins was held at the Dendy cinema in Newtown.

Starring Andrew Griscti as the title character, the film follows the adventures of Benjamin, “a nerdy, skiffle-loving redhead from Cockfosters” who finds out that he is a wizard and is soon whisked off to an island in Australia to be trained in magic by mentor Pentangle and Bavarian filmmaker Werner Herzog. Sound familiar?

Whilst the film is a broad satire of the Harry Potter franchise and the Percy Jackson not-quite-successful-enough-to-be-a-franchise movie, it is also packed with in-jokes from the radio show. Sniddlegrass loves skiffle because Mark Kermode plays bass in the skiffle / rockabilly quartet The Dodge Brothers. The character of Werner Herzog is based on the real eccentric German filmmaker of the same name (Rescue Dawn, Fitzcarraldo, Nosferatu the Vampyre) who famously was shot by an unknown assailant with an air rifle during an interview with Kermode, brushing it off and continuing the interview with the comment, “it was not a significant bullet.”

Of course, the low budget nature of the film means that the cast is composed of unknown actors, with the exception of famous actor, writer and comedian Stephen Fry (Gosford Park, Alice in Wonderland, V for Vendetta) who somehow was convinced by the director to narrate the story.

Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins is currently available via digital download for the reasonable price of $10. It will also soon be out on DVD. Other screenings worldwide are being demanded by supporters and fans.

The film itself is worth a chuckle or two. Despite being restricted by its tiny budget, it is hard not to smile throughout the seventy minute running time. I would definitely recommend that you familiarise yourself with the banter of Kermode and Mayo’s radio show before you see the movie. There are plenty of hilarious clips of Kermode’s famous rants online.

Published in: on March 15, 2011 at 07:03  Leave a Comment  
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Charlie Sheen: the ultimate method actor?

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 1st March 2011.

With the Oscars and Razzies over for another year, Hollywood can once again turn its focus back to doing what it does best. That’s right, trying to deal with Charlie Sheen’s antics.

This past week, it was announced that US Network CBS and Warner Bros. Television will discontinue the production of hit sitcom, Two and a Half Men, following the many reports of Sheen’s (mis)adventures with alcohol, drugs and porn stars as well as numerous public remarks made by the star about the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre.

Whilst the word “cancelled” has been bandied about in the media, it appears that the production of the current season, its eighth, has been shut down, not the show itself. So as far as we know, there might be more. Of course, several hatchets will need to be buried before season nine can even be contemplated.

I’m not sure if anyone would even notice if the show ended anyway. Channel Nine should be renamed the “Two and a Half Men Network (now with less Ben Elton)”. There must be an endless supply of tapes hidden away in the vaults considering that there seems to be brand new episodes premiering every other night, alternating with The Big Bang Theory, another show from the spring that never seems to run dry.

The show has been running for so long that the “half” in the title is actually now referring to seventeen year old actor Angus T. Jones. Perhaps they should just rename the show to Three Men and be over with it. Or if Sheen doesn’t return, drop it to Two Men.

Another solution to save the show and keep the title would be to kill off Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, and bring in a new younger kid. If you go with a really young actor, you could even rename the show Two Men and a Baby. Add a female midget and you could even go with Two Men and a Little Lady. Keep the girl, add a pizza place and… I’m sure you get it.

Maybe Sheen’s role could be recast. In Roseanne, the original Becky, Lecy Goranson, was replaced by Sarah Chalke from Scrubs for two seasons, who was herself replaced by Goranson again for one season, only to replaced for the final season by Chalke again. I’m sure nobody noticed.

Of course, in order to prevent any further complications, a stable and reliable actor should replace Sheen. My suggestions would be someone like Mickey Rourke, Robert Downey Jr. or Carrie Fisher.

I think what people fail to realise is that the character of Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men is a hedonistic womaniser and alcoholic. Surely this is just a case of the ultimate method actor? Charlie Sheen might be difficult to work with, but he sure does his research. Is this any different to Dustin Hoffman staying up all night in order to look exhausted for a scene in Marathon Man?

So what if Charlie Sheen likes to live his character. At least he’s not playing a vampire. Perhaps the character of Charlie Harper was based on Sheen in the first place. If so, the show’s producers can hardly complain.

Regardless, Charlie Sheen certainly makes the boring world of Hollywood more interesting. As long as he doesn’t go the way of Anna Nicole Smith, River Phoenix or Chris Farley, perhaps we should just accept this as a case of art imitating life imitating art.

Published in: on March 2, 2011 at 12:55  Leave a Comment  
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Theatre review: Doctor Zhivago

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Casinos are strange places. In the movies they are depicted as the playground of the rich and famous, where men in tuxedos get sexy women to blow on dice before they make a lucky throw, tipping the croupier with a thousand dollar chip on their way to the valet parking to collect their Ferrari. However, for the vast majority of the population, that’s not the experience we get.

The average Joe gets flashing lights, sticky, worn carpets, garish decor and tacky promotions, plus the privilege of paying $25 to park the car. You can sense the desperation in the air. Men in sports jackets hover around the tables. Women sit on stools in front of pokies pressing buttons and staring blankly at the pretty images on the screens. No one seems to be having fun, with the exception of that group on the Hen’s Night. Wow, those beauty pageant sashes are so unique.

That was my experience as I attended the world premiere of Doctor Zhivago at Star City on Saturday night. Apparently famous people such as Jerry Hall were there. I’m glad she wasn’t sitting in front of me. Whilst Jerry evaded me, I did, however, see Maria Venuti and Peter Phelps in their best dress hovering in the foyer. I know that most people would remember Phelps for his turns in Water Rats or Stingers. I prefer his US TV debut as token Aussie lifeguard Trevor Cole in the first season of Baywatch. I should have asked him to run in slow motion for me.

I suppose that I should review the show now. I must admit that I was not at all familiar with the Doctor Zhivago story. I haven’t seen the movie. All I know is that it stars Eddie Murphy and he can talk to the animals.

Although billed as a world premiere, this work was originally produced as Zhivago in San Diego in 2006. Now extensively reworked by composer Lucy Simon (The Secret Garden, a moderately successful musical from 1991) and lyricists Michael Korie and Amy Borden, Doctor Zhivago has been unveiled as a vehicle for star Anthony Warlow.

With a budget of over $5 million, this is a major risk for producer John Frost. With the cheapest tickets in the nosebleed section of the cavernous Lyric Theatre being just under $100, audiences will expect a decent bang for their buck. And this show doesn’t disappoint.

You can literally see the millions of rubles spent on the sumptuous set, which recreates the bleakness of revolutionary Russia with a colour palette of turquoise and greys. Arches, stairs, pillars and train cars roll effortlessly on and off the stage. Projections are also used to great effect, in particular as a rain effect onto the Moscow set.

The cast, led by Warlow, Lucy Maunder and Taneel Van Zyl, are all in fine voice. The onstage chemistry between the leads as they portray the participants in one of literature’s most famous love triangles was very apparent, even from the back of the theatre. Warlow pulled his calf muscle in rehearsals, missing several preview performances, but now fully healed after intensive physiotherapy, makes this role his own, in what may even surpass his iconic turn as the original Australian Phantom of the Opera.

The storyline covers much Russian history in a short space of time as Zhivago survives a World War, the Russian revolution, Civil War and the Chernobyl disaster, the whole time sticking to his idealism and principles. Between loving two women and saving lives as a medic, Doctor Zhivago also finds time to become a prolific Russian poet, although in this adaption his more famous works such The Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham are not mentioned. Interestingly, Doctor Zhivago takes the opposite ethos to Les Miserables. This time, the revolutionists are the bad guys and we sympathise with the proletariat.

A sign of a good musical is being able to walk away with at least one tune implanted in your head. This show won’t disappoint with several beautiful songs such as Now and On the Edge of Time. The Australian cast recording is in the pipeline and will soon be a must buy for fans of musicals. Enjoy the songs now before they are rendered into cliché by Susan Boyle.

Doctor Zhivago is an immensely enjoyable musical experience which is well worth discovering. See it now at your local casino before it hits Broadway or the West End.

Published in: on February 25, 2011 at 06:27  Leave a Comment  
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Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

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One of the hottest new shows from last year’s US television season is sadly yet to find a broadcast home on Australian television. The Walking Dead has been universally acclaimed by both critics and viewers, with strong ratings both in the US and the UK. Developed by Frank Darabont, director of The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist, and co-produced by Gale Ann Hurd of The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Aliens fame, the series is based on a popular comic book series of the same name.

So why isn’t The Walking Dead sitting in our TV guides alongside Hawaii Five-O and Blue Bloods? Probably because it is a post-apocalyptic drama focusing on a small band of survivors following an outbreak of zombies.

Zombies are nothing new to popular culture. Originally appearing in films such as I Walked with a Zombie (1943), zombies were originally intertwined with voodoo and witch doctors. It was George Romero’s landmark black and white feature Night of the Living Dead (1968) that introduced the idea of zombies being the flesh eating undead.

Romero continued his zombie series with four further Living Dead films: Dawn of the Dead (1978); Day of the Dead (1985); Land of the Dead (2005); Diary of the Dead (2007) and Survival of the Dead (2010). Each film features civilisation falling apart as the world is overrun by zombies but none are direct sequels to each other in terms of characters or storylines. The entire series is gore-tastic and gets two half eaten thumbs up from me.

Romero’s co-writer on the original Living Dead film, John A. Russo, wrote a book, The Return of the Living Dead, which was also made into a film in 1985. This time, the zombies have a taste for human brains, and a further four sequels were spawned, all of variable quality. A scene in Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988) depicts a zombie dressed in Michael Jackson’s Thriller costume being electrocuted and hilariously recreating the iconic choreography.

Of course, Jackson’s famous long form music video, directed by John Landis in 1983, has probably been seen by more people worldwide than all zombie movies put together. In the video, the living dead arise from their graves to dance and sing to Jackson’s music. That’s far more frightening to me than any brain eating zombie.

The zombie world is not without controversy. Fans were upset when Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead (2005) featured running zombies. The argument is that as reanimated corpses, zombie ankles are probably too decomposed and unstable to sustain running. I guess that rules out my Zomba™ latino dance exercise program for the undead.

The excellent post-apocalyptic films 28 Days Later (2002) and 28 Weeks Later (2007) also feature zombie-like creatures. A debate still rages over the internet about whether these films can be considered of the zombie cannon. In my opinion, they can’t be included, as the creatures depicted are actually infected living people who can starve to death if they don’t feed.

Zombies have also slowly made their way (walking and moaning) into other motion picture genres. The action horror franchise Resident Evil (2002-2010) features Milla Jovovich fighting hordes of zombies. Peter Jackson’s Braindead (1992), Andrew Currie’s Fido (2006) and Zombieland (2009) are laugh out loud comedies. Even the romantic comedy isn’t safe. The excellent Shaun of the Dead (2004) was the world’s first “zom-rom-com.”

Reportedly in pre-production, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Zombies should hit our screens in 2013. I can’t wait to see literary heroine Elizabeth Bennet and her sisters battle the walking dead.

My favourite zombie movie title has to be the rather subtly named Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (2007). Surprisingly, it focuses on an unorthodox speech therapist helping King George VI overcome his stammer.

But seriously, zombies are now firmly a staple for modern film audiences. Why shouldn’t they be on our small screens too, especially in a dramatic series as acclaimed as The Walking Dead? With the plethora of free-to-air and pay TV channels out there, surely someone should purchase the rights and air it before some of the more technically gifted amongst us obtain it by “other means.”

Published in: on February 15, 2011 at 10:34  Leave a Comment  
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Eighties pop stars acting badly

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Where do eighties teen pop stars go to die? The answer at the moment seems to be the video store. After twenty years or so in the wilderness, US one hit wonder Tiffany, has reappeared in, not one, but three low budget films. I guess she’s finally been allowed out of the shopping mall. Unfortunately, she’s still stuck in retail.

Tiffany Renee Darwish, known to her fans as Tiffany, first came to prominence with her single I Think We’re Alone Now which made a minor dent in the Australian charts, peaking at 46 in 1987. The video for the song famously depicts a sixteen year old Tiffany entertaining an over enthusiastic crowd at a shopping mall. It was actually extensive shopping mall tours that formed the basis of Tiffany’s marketing and promotions in the early stages of her career.

A cover of The Beatles’ I Saw Her Standing There, with the “her” replaced with a “him” fared better in the Australian charts, making it to number 10 in 1988. The music video featured Tiffany performing in front of a screaming live crowd.

Following a turn voicing Judy Jetson in the epic historical drama Jetsons: The Movie (1990), Tiffany disappeared from the Australian pop culture consciousness, perhaps forever.

Tiffany returned to the shopping mall when her career stalled. Sadly, it was as a cleaner. Only kidding, after being dropped by her record label, she continued to record albums as an independent artist and make plans for a comeback. Unfortunately, the plans consisted of rerecording her hits for a disco album, participating in reality shows featuring other eighties has-beens, attempting a career as a country singer and posing nude for Playboy. None of which worked.

After rival eighties teen queen Debbie Gibson successfully appeared in the direct to video adaption of Jane Austen’s Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, Tiffany was approached to make her feature film debut in the psychological thriller Blood Snow (2009). With a cast of relative unknowns, Tiffany stars opposite James Kyson Lee (Heroes) as a woman trapped in a cabin with friends during a blizzard. The DVD cover for this masterpiece is quite hilarious.  Whilst all of her co-stars have their film credits listed next to their names, poor Tiffany has the words, “I Think We’re Alone Now.”

Next for Tiffany was a “mockbuster” from The Asylum. I’ve written a column about this low budget production company. They make direct to video movies that are similarly titled to major cinema releases, such as The Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train and Sunday School Musical.

Mega Piranha (2010), a mockbuster of Piranha 3D, stars Tiffany alongside Barry Williams (Greg from The Brady Bunch). She plays a Professor (I’m not sure of what, perhaps shopping malls) who must stop a school of genetically modified piranha from attacking Florida. In the climax of the film, Professor Tiffany destroys the mega piranha by making them eat each other, presumably by forcing them to listen to her music.

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will finally come head to head on the small screen this year, co-starring in Mega Python Versus Gatoroid, another monster disaster film from The Asylum. After battling it out in the charts during the eighties, both stars fight each other in a hair pulling, cake throwing melee that has to be seen to be believed. This scene is available online as a sneak peek.

Although Tiffany may not be a threat to the cinema box office or the music charts again, it is nice to know that she’s found herself a niche, even if it is the “gigantic steroid enhanced reptiles fighting each other” movie niche.

Blood Snow and Mega Piranha are available to rent now, and are well worth a chuckle on cheap Tuesday.

Published in: on February 8, 2011 at 07:25  Leave a Comment  
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On-Stage Accidents: don’t do a Buffett

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Following a sold out concert at the Hordern Pavilion on Wednesday night, US singer Jimmy Buffett walked off the stage. I know. All performers walk off the stage at the end of the show. Unfortunately, in this case, poor Jimmy literally walked off the stage.

After completing an encore set, a disoriented Buffett took one step too many towards his adoring “Parrotheads” (this is what his fans call themselves) and toppled off the stage, gashing his scalp and knocking himself unconscious. Luckily, the head emergency department doctor from St Vincent’s Hospital was in the front row to assist.

Buffett has been cleared of any serious injury and will hopefully continue on his world tour, as well as running his business empire which includes the Margaritaville Cafe and Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurant chains and the Margaritaville Beach Hotel at Pensacola Beach. Clearly spreading the island life vibe is very lucrative, as long as you don’t get too mellow at the front of the stage.

The Buffett incident is certainly not an isolated case. The stage is a very dangerous place and many performers have famously injured themselves, or their reputations, in front of a live audience.

In 2007, Beyonce was shaking her “thang” on a stage in Orlando, when she lost her footing and fell face first down twelve steps. Proving that she is a trooper, or perhaps a robot, Beyonce was back on her stilettos in seconds and the show continued. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t wear sensible shoes onstage.

Ashlee Simpson is the less talented sister of talentless singer Jessica Simpson. Back in 2004, whilst performing “live” on Saturday Night Live, the wrong song was cued and Ashlee was caught out when the first song she had successfully mimed started again. Stuck onstage during a live broadcast with her voice being heard but clearly not singing, Simpson danced an awkward jig before wandering away.

Later in the show, Ashlee blamed her band for playing the wrong song. She then claimed that her doctor had advised her to avoid singing due to recurrent acid reflux. Perhaps she had been listening to her own music because that’s what it does to me.

Several “singers” have had their careers shortened by being exposed lip synching during “live performances”, such as Betty Boo, Lindsay Lohan and the infamous Milli Vanilli. Amazingly, the live audience in Connecticut at the concert where poor old Milli and Vanilli were exposed don’t seem to notice that the line “Girl, you know it’s true” is repeated over and over again as the backing track skips. Maybe they thought it was a remix.

Miley Cyrus had a similar thing happen although to her credit, she was singing live. During a performance on live UK television in 2009, she forgot the words to Fly on the Wall and had to embarrassingly turn away from the camera for a few lines until she remembered what came next. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a manufactured popstar and don’t write your own material.

Pink’s most recent Australian concert tour featured circus-like high wire and flying stunts. Last year in Nuremberg, the popular singer came loose from her harness and was flung into a barricade. Besides a bruised ego and body, Pink was back onstage the following night.

The most famous onstage incident occurred during a simulated concert. In 1984, Michael Jackson was filming a Pepsi advert in front of an audience when the pyrotechnics set his hair alight. Unaware that his curls were aflame, the King of Pop continued to dance until he was saved by crew members. Jackson allegedly suffered burns to his scalp and in order to hide his scars underwent extensive plastic surgery…to his face.

Based on this evidence, the stage is potentially a very dangerous place to be, so think twice before you volunteer to sing Hotel California for the tenth time on Karaoke night.

Published in: on February 1, 2011 at 07:55  Leave a Comment  
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Post-Oscar career slumps: it could happen to you

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 25th January 2011.

The Oscars are almost upon us. On February 27 at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, the stars will come together for Hollywood’s night of nights. The nominees are yet to be announced, although I’m pretty sure that Natalie Portman and Colin Firth already have their speeches ready. Whilst I’m certain that every actor would love to be called to the podium to receive an Oscar, there isn’t any guarantee that a career will continue to soar after winning arguably the world’s most famous paper weight.

Christoph Waltz burst onto the Hollywood scene in last year’s Inglourious Basterds, winning the Oscar for Best Actor. Although not an overnight success (he has been working in theatre, television and non-Hollywood films for over thirty years), his depiction of the cruel and ruthless Colonel Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece made audiences take notice. Many cinefiles such as myself couldn’t wait to see what this obviously very talented Austrian would do next.

Disappointingly, he followed up his Oscar winning performance as a villain with a role playing practically the same villain in The Green Hornet which hit screens last week. I’m sorry, but being in 3D doesn’t give a performance extra depth. Coming up next for Waltz is an adaption of The Three Musketeers. I just hope he’s not playing a cruel and ruthless villain.

Cuba Gooding, Jr followed a remarkable turn in Boyz n the Hood (1991) with a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Jerry Maguire in 1996. His critically acclaimed performance as footballer Rod Tidwell spawned the catchphrase, “Show me the money.” Unfortunately for Gooding, his Oscar win was for acting, not role selection, and it has been downhill ever since.

How do you follow-up the role of a lifetime? Why not take on the challenging Shakespearian drama of Boat Trip (2002), Norbit and Daddy Day Camp (both 2007)? Gooding’s acting work has been the exclusive domain of direct to TV movies for the past two years. I guess we all have to eat.

After a string of erotic thrillers and action films in the eighties and early nineties, Kim Basinger took out the 1997 Best Supporting Actress Oscar for L.A. Confidential. As femme fetale Lynn Bracken, she was perfectly cast as the Veronica Lake look-alike prostitute. With the exception of a few major releases such as Cellular (2004) and The Sentinel (2006), Basinger has been working on small independent pictures and television since. She also has had the dubious honour of portraying Eminem and Zac Efron’s mother in 8 Mile (2002) and Charlie St Cloud (2010), respectively.

Who can forget Roberto Benigni’s over the top reaction to winning the Best Actor Oscar in 1999 for Life is Beautiful? I think almost everyone would like to forget it. The excitable Benigni climbed over the seats and applauded the audience before making his way to the podium to make a giddy speech. Unfortunately since then, he has directed and starred in Pinocchio (2002), which bombed at the box office, as well as taking roles in epic historical dramas such as Asterix and Obelix vs Caesar (1999).

Unless you’re receiving a lifetime achievement honour at the Academy Awards, the assumption is that the best is yet to come. In the ever changing world of Hollywood, that is not always true despite talent and luck. Still, a win is a win and being an Oscar recipient ensures your name will be in the record books forever. Hollywood history shows that in time, only the good films are remembered. Did I mention that Orson Welles’ final performance was in Transformers: The Movie (1986)?

Published in: on January 25, 2011 at 06:32  Leave a Comment  
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Product placement in movies: buy a hot dog

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 18th January 2011.

Remember that scene in Casino Royale, the 2006 James Bond reboot, where 007 and Vesper Lynd are travelling on a train and she asks him about his watch? She asks, “Rolex?” Bond (Daniel Craig) calmly replies, “Omega.” Lynd ends the conversation about the watch with the simple, “Beautiful.”

Ker-ching! You’ve just been the victim of product placement. Omega reportedly paid $7 million per film for Bond to spruik Omega watches. Sure, the world’s favourite superspy has to wear a watch so it may as well be an actual brand but there’s really no need to shove it down our throats by altering the script to become a bizarre commercial. Last time I checked, the ads were meant to be before the film, not during the feature.

Product placement in films is nothing new but imagine what might happen if a company actually bankrolls a feature film. There are two famous examples of this. One is a beloved family film and the other is one of the worst movies ever made (it has a 0% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes).

Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was originally published in 1964. A children’s literary classic, it was adapted into a movie musical starring Gene Wilder in 1971. What you may not know is that the film was financed by the Quaker Oats Company.

Founded in 1901, the company specialised in breakfast cereals at the time and had no experience in film making. The film’s producer, David L. Wolper, managed to convince the company that the movie would be the perfect advertising medium for their new candy bars. And thus, the Wonka Bar was born and the film’s title was altered to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in anticipation of a marketing match made in heaven.

Unfortunately, due to production problems, Wonka Bars never made it to the shops and the film was released, unblemished by product placement, to generally positive reviews (Dahl hated it) but mediocre box office. Via endless television repeats and its popularity on video and DVD, it is now considered an iconic children’s film (despite the scene showing a chook being decapitated).

Quaker Oats sold their share of the rights for half a million dollars 1977 and never invested in another film again.

Mac and Me was an E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial rip-off released in 1988. Featuring a cute alien (MAC stood for “Mysterious Alien Creature”) who befriends a boy in a wheelchair whilst on the run from evil government scientists and agents, this turkey was financially backed by Coke and McDonalds.

In one of the least subtle product placement ever, Mac (as in Big Mac) conveniently only needs Coke and Skittles to survive. A visit to a McDonalds Restaurant with the bad guys hot on the trail strangely deteriorates into a syrupy happy impromptu dance contest, complete with a cameo from Ronald McDonald. This sickly sweet scene is widely available on YouTube and has to be seen to be believed. A warning, you may need insulin afterwards.

Ronald McDonald deservedly won the Worst New Star category at the 1988 Golden Raspberry Awards for Mac and Me. The film ends with the words, “We’ll Be Back!” written across the screen. Luckily for us, this atrocious waste of celluloid didn’t spawn a sequel. I understand that business for McDonalds was unaffected by the film’s failure and that there are now several restaurants worldwide.

So the next time you buy a watch, or grab a drink, or participate in an impromptu dance off at your local burger joint, or visit a chocolate factory run by little men with green hair, ask yourself if Hollywood made you do it.

Published in: on January 23, 2011 at 10:09  Leave a Comment  
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The Razzies 2010: celebrating the worst in cinema

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 11th January 2011.

It’s that time of the year again. The awards season is soon upon us, and for members of the Golden Raspberry Foundation such as myself, it’s time to review all of those terrible movies from the past twelve months and ensure that they get their well deserved nomination in the 31st Annual Razzie Awards.

It may not be as exclusive as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with its ninety members voting for the Golden Globes, or the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences with their fancy Oscars, but the Golden Raspberry Foundation is still rather difficult to join. You need a Paypal account and a whole thirty five American dollars to become a member. As I’m not eligible to vote for the Logies (you need to be a fourteen year old girl for that), participating in the Razzies is my only way to flex some democratic muscle in the world of showbiz.

Right now, the awards are in the nomination stage so let’s have a look at who gets my vote to be listed on that final ballot paper. I’ll preface my choices by saying that I didn’t deliberately seek out terrible films to waste away my precious time watching but that sometimes I succumb to the marketing ploys of the Hollywood machine and spend my hard earned dollars on garbage thinking “it can’t be that bad.” Unfortunately, it usually is.

A special new category this year is Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3D. The obvious choice would be the very realistic ceiling collapse scene at the cinema in Bathurst but I’ll give my nods to the awful rendered into 3D post production disasters that were The Last Airbender and Clash of the Titans. I didn’t get a chance to see Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore but I’ll nominate that one too. Talk about the sequel that no-one demanded. Just like no-one wants to see Rain Man 2: Qantas Does Crash.

It’s a shame that I can’t nominate Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never 3D in advance. I’m sorry, but if I wanted to see a movie about a cheeky singing and dancing fictional cartoon character, I’d see Yogi Bear 3D. Speaking of which, the voice talents of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake are not enough to save this flick from my nomination either.

My entire allocation of nominations for the Worst Actress category could be filled with the cast of Sex and the City 2 but that would be too easy. Case 39 stars Renee Zellwegger and was released in Australia two years ago. However, this horror thriller about a demon child (another perfect descriptor of the Bieber fever movie) was so bad it was held back from US release until now. Want to do a perfect Renee Zellwegger impression each and every time? Just imagine a hamster staring at the sun and you’ll never go wrong. Katherine Heigl, who can’t seem to turn down any romantic comedy, and the vacuous Megan Fox will also get my nominations for Killers and Jonah Hex, respectively.

Throw in the bland and expressionless Kristen Stewart (on and off-screen) from Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Miley (Smiley Virus) Cyrus for The Last Song and that’s my set.

Sam Worthington’s Aussie Perseus in Clash of the Titans is certainly worthy of a nomination in the Worst Actor category. Prince of Persia: The Sand of Time saw Jake Gyllenhaal able to reverse time. Unfortunately washboard abs don’t substitute for acting. I think everyone in the audience wished for the power to turn back the clock after watching this 3D turkey. Gerald Butler also can’t say no to a romantic comedy, good or bad, but mostly bad. His dodgy turn in The Bounty Hunter makes his subtle performance in 300 (this is Sparta!!) seem positively Shakespearean.

The Last Airbender is my sole nomination for Worst Picture. It represents everything that is wrong with Hollywood, Bad 3D and M. Night Shyamalan. Famous for his Hitchcockian twists, the twist at the end of this live action cartoon adaption was that there were no refunds.

The official nominations for the 31st Annual Razzie Awards will be announced on Monday 24 January with the official presentation ceremony usually held the night before the Oscars. It’s still not too late to participate in the nomination and voting process. Join now and make a difference (perhaps).

http://www.razzies.com/

Published in: on January 11, 2011 at 10:42  Comments (1)  
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‘Cause you gotta buy Faith

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 4th January 2011.

This year will see the re-release of George Michael’s iconic solo debut Faith. Originally released way back in 1987 to critical and popular acclaim, the album spawned many memorable hit singles such as Faith, I Want Your Sex, Father Figure, Monkey and Kissing a Fool. With sales in Australia exceeding 350000 copies (that’s five times platinum) and twenty million copies shipped worldwide, there are plenty of us out there who might be nostalgic enough to replace our worn out cassette and vinyl editions with the remastered and repackaged CD editions.

Faith was a truly solo effort from the former Wham! frontman. Not only did he write and produce every track bar one on the album, he also played almost every instrument. Amusingly, this probably wasn’t much different to his Wham! days as it is alleged Michael’s partner in crime and “guitarist”, Andrew Ridgeley, usually had his instrument turned right down, Linda McCartney style, during live performances. I guess at the time, we also thought he was singing about women, but that’s a different story.

To help George earn back all of the money he spent on his extended Australian holiday after his tour of Perth, Sydney and Melbourne last year (Grindr must be expensive), you’ll have the choice of the standard remastered 2 disc edition, the 2 disc plus DVD deluxe edition and for the ultimate fan, the super deluxe collectible edition, complete with a vinyl copy of the album, sleeve notes, rare pictures, replica tour pass and a hardcover book.

I’m not entirely certain why, with the exception of financial reasons, Sony or George Michael would choose to celebrate Faith’s twenty fourth anniversary and not wait another year for the quarter century. With this dubious timeframe, let’s have a look at some other albums that are also celebrating their pewter anniversary (there is no symbol for the twenty fourth so I made one up) and also deserve the remastered super mega deluxe and a cherry on top edition treatment.

INXS’s Kick is easily their best recording to date. Fusing their previous rock sound with a dance groove, they used the power of the music video to sell millions of albums on the back of such strong singles as Need You Tonight, Devil Inside, New Sensation and Never Tear Us Apart. Now sadly languishing around the nostalgia scene with multiple best of compilations on the market as well as a dodgy reinterpretations album, INXS have become their own cover band. A deluxe double disc edition of Kick was released in 2004 to celebrate its (drum roll please) seventeenth anniversary.

John Mellencamp, then John Cougar Mellencamp, also released The Lonesome Jubilee in 1987. A rock, folk and country hybrid, it produced the hit singles Cherry Bomb and Paper in Fire. With steel guitars, accordions and violins featured, this album pioneered the country rock sound that led the way for Shania Twain, Taylor Swift and Cameron Daddo. A remastered edition of The Lonesome Jubilee with a whole one extra song was released in 2005 (its eighteen anniversary).

Midnight Oil’s Diesel and Dust was ranked by Rolling Stone as the thirteenth best album of the eighties. With a strong environmental theme and a focus on the plight of the Aboriginal communities, this concept album was spearheaded by the singles Put Down That Weapon and Beds Are Burning. On its twenty first anniversary in 2008, a remastered edition of the album was released with a bonus documentary DVD. Personally, I think the Oils should follow George Michael’s example and celebrate its twenty fourth anniversary with a deluxe edition including some actual diesel and dust, plus a bonus insulation bat.

The demise of the vinyl album also saw the death of the gatefold sleeve and all the pictures, notes and goodies that came with it. There’s not much you can say in a CD booklet. Great albums deserve to be celebrated and polished up for re-release but perhaps only at significant milestones. Deluxe editions allow collectors and fans to access B sides, demo versions and memorabilia (at a price) but don’t wish too hard, 2011 sees the tenth anniversary of Nikki Webster’s Follow Your Heart album.

Published in: on January 4, 2011 at 19:34  Comments (1)  
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