Movie Stingers and Credit Cookies

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 24th May 2011.

Projectionists must hate me. I’m the sucker that stays in the cinema until the very end of the credits. I know they want to get in there and clean up but watching every name involved in making the film is my way of saying thank you. I also like to check out which countries and locations were used as shooting locations. And I feel so much better knowing that no animals were harmed in the making of the picture.

I’m kidding. I’m actually on the lookout for what is known as a movie stinger, tag, credit cookie or movie coda. That is, an extra little scene at the end of the credits.

Current superhero movie factory, Marvel Studios, has been adding a stinger to its recent crop of pictures, each one slowly building towards The Avengers movie which will unite Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America and Thor. At the end of Iron Man (2008), Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr., meets S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Nick Fury, portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson. Tony Stark then makes a cameo at the end of The Incredible Hulk (2008), although this is just before the credits. The credits of Iron Man 2 (2010) conclude with Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. discovering Thor’s hammer in the desert. I won’t spoil the tag at the end of Thor but it is certainly worth waiting for.

Each entry in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise also features a stinger. The original, released in 2003, ends with Jack the Monkey stealing an Aztec medallion and becoming a cursed undead primate. Dead Man’s Chest (2006) concludes with the island dog being worshipped by the natives as a god. At World’s End (2007) features a stinger which shows Will being united with Elizabeth and his son, ten years into the future. The latest, On Stranger Tides (2011), also has a tag, but after a whopping 141 minutes of Piratey goodness or tosh (depending on your taste) you’ll need to sit out a bum numbing 8 minutes of credits to get to the good stuff.

The recent A-Team movie (2010) hilariously brings together the new Face and Murdock (Bradley Cooper and Sharlto Copley) with their original TV series counterparts, Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz in a post-credit stinger. I had to leave the cinema in a hurry for that one to return the large frozen coke I borrowed but I did catch the tag on blu-ray.

This year’s Fast and Furious 5, or Fast 5, also features a post-credit sequence which hints that there will another sequel. I don’t need a stinger to tell me that. $23 million at the Australian box office is a pretty good indication that another instalment is in the works. As a kid, I loved the Famous 5. I don’t remember them having cars though…

Stingers are by no means a new thing. My favourite stingers are from eighties flops. The Super Mario Bros. disaster from 1993 features two Japanese businessmen discussing a video game starring Mario’s enemies, Iggy and Spike. OK, so that’s not very funny but it’s Flying High compared to the rest of the film. The Masters of the Universe (1987) feature film stars renown Shakespearean actor Dolph Lundgren as He-Man. Post-credits, a defeated Skeletor (Frank Langella) pops out of the waters surrounding Castle Numbskull to declare, “I’ll be back.” I’m still waiting.

So stick around after the credits have rolled. You never know what extra morsel the filmmakers may have left for you.

 

 

 


The Sixth Sense (1999) features a creepy repeat of the spooky voice on tape saying, “I don’t wanna die” right at the end of the credits to scare anyone left in the cinema.

Published in: on May 30, 2011 at 08:05  Comments (1)  
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The Expendables 2: my handpicked cast

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th May 2011.

Action flick The Expendables (2010) was a major hit, grossing US$266 million from an US$80 million budget. Under the direction of Sylvester Stallone, the film brought together a dream team of eighties and nineties action stars, many of whom had never appeared on screen together before, such as Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rouke, Dolph Lungren and Arnold Schwartzenegger. With little plot but many explosions, the film itself was a bit of a letdown for action movie fans but the box office dollars have ensured that a sequel is in the works and set for release in 2012.

With the majority of the original cast returning for more mayhem, there is speculation about who else might be joining the lineup. Here are my suggestions for The Expendables 2.

Sammo Hung has enjoyed a lengthy career in Asia, starring, directing, producing and fight choreographing many films throughout the seventies until now. His biggest successes have been kung fu action comedies that have capitalized on his rather portly frame, such as Enter the Fat Dragon (1979) and Skinny Tiger, Fatty Dragon (1990). In Australia, he is best known for his TV series Martial Law, which ran for 2 seasons between 1998 and 2000. Reportedly, Hung had very poor English at the time and was taught his lines phonetically. In other scenes, he said nothing at all. With a similar command of the English language as Sylvester Stallone, Hung would be perfect for The Expendables.

Cynthia Rothrock burst onto the B grade action flick scene in the eighties and has appeared in over thirty films including No Retreat, No Surrender (1986) and China O’Brien (1988). A five time World Karate Champion, Rothrock was a rarity in that as a Caucasian actress (and I use that term loosely) she became a star in Asia well before gaining any fame Stateside. Rothrock would add some much needed butt kicking estrogen to a mega macho cast.

Apparently Chuck Norris’ computer doesn’t have a “Ctrl” key because he is always in total control. Norris began his career opposite Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon (1972) and went on to star in many brain numbing but fun eighties action films such as Lone Wolf McQuade (1983), Missing in Action (1984) and The Delta Force (1986). His TV series Walker, Texas Ranger ran from 1993 to 2001. As Cordell Walker, Norris played a half white, half Native American Ranger who delivers justice with his unique blend of the old west and eastern martial arts. As you do. Norris could easily portray the facial hair specialist in The Expendables.

If you are after an aftershave that will bring out the washed up eighties action star in you, why not consider Steven Seagal’s Scent of Action? For the energy drink fans there is also Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt. Did I mention that he also has a range of homeopathic oils? Seagal is currently a Reserve Deputy Chief of the Sheriff’s Officer in Louisiana. Hopefully he will track down and arrest some criminals, namely those responsible for his recent slew of terrible direct to DVD movies. Seagal could also provide the soundtrack to The Expendables 2, having two albums to his name, one of which featured a duet with Stevie Wonder. Obviously Wonder agreed to work with him because he’s never seen one of his movies (boom boom).

The Expendables 2 is sure to be a major hit. And with Sylvester Stallone confirming that he won’t be directing, it is also sure to be watchable too. With a bevy of faded, bloated aging action heroes likely to be pulled out of mothballs for each subsequent sequel, perhaps this testosterone laden series should be renamed The Expandables.

Published in: on May 22, 2011 at 10:32  Leave a Comment  
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Superhero going stale? Reboot!

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th May 2011.

Next year will see the cinematic release of The Dark Knight Rises, the third film in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Trilogy. With stars Christian Bale and Gary Oldman returning, along with new cast members Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, Tom Harding as Bane and Joseph Gordon-Levy as an unnamed character, the film is sure to be a major box office hit for Warner Bros and DC Entertainment. However, with Nolan and Bale confirming that they will not be back for a fourth film in the franchise, rumours are rife that Batman will be rebooted with a new director and star.

In cinema, a reboot is where all previous continuity in a series is discarded and begins anew. In the Caped Crusader’s case, Tim Burton’s original series, which began in 1989 with the box office smash starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson, had petered out to a kiddie friendly mess by 1997 with Batman and Robin, directed by Joel Schumacher (The Lost Boys), when the big red reboot button was thankfully pressed.

Batman isn’t the only comic superhero to undergo a reboot. The Man of Steel has been revised once, and is soon to be revamped again. Following four films starring Christopher Reeve, each one sillier than the next, reaching rock bottom with the anti-nuclear rubbish that was Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, X-Men director Bryan Singer was given the reins to reboot the franchise. Starring Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey, Superman Returns essentially eliminates the original third and fourth films and picks up from where the second film ended.

Superman Returns, which was shot in Sydney, was not the mega success anticipated by Warner Bros, and now the rebooted Superman: The Man of Steel, which will premiere in 2012 and star Henry Cavill in the blue tights, will begin production soon.

Marvel comic characters are also not immune to a reboot or four. Mr Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch and The Thing make up the Fantastic Four, who were successfully translated into cinematic gold in two films produced between 2005 and 2007.  Starring Jessica Alba and Julian McMahon, both movies were profitable for Fox. A much more superficial take on the superhero genre compared to Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise, the Fantastic Four are due to be rebooted soon.

Sam Raimi’s very successful Spiderman trilogy has made a fortune for Sony Pictures. Following the critically panned Spiderman 3, which starred Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, Sony has announced a reboot, The Amazing Spider-man, to be directed by Marc Webb (no pun intended) and starring Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker and Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy.

The dilemma with reboots is where to take a renewed franchise. After the serious Gothic style of Michael Keaton’s Batman to the silliness of Val Kilmer’s Caped Crusader to the craptacular Bat-nipples on George Clooney’s Bat-suit to the super dramatic gravelly tones of Christian Bale, where to next for the Dark Knight? You can’t really go any darker than Health Ledger as the Joker and you can’t get any campier than Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze (unless Adam West is looking for work). The choice in my opinion is simple, a musical spectacular on ice in 3D. Holy reboot Batman!

Published in: on May 10, 2011 at 08:07  Leave a Comment  
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Why does The Hobbit have to look like real life?

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 19th April 2011.

Peter Jackson, director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the 2005 King Kong remake has announced that his adaption of The Hobbit, due in cinemas in 2012, will be filmed at 48 frames per second. This is double the industry standard of 24 frames per second. Jackson claims that the increased frame rate will give the film “enhanced clarity and smoothness”, however, similar to 3D movies and digital projection, expensive upgrades to cinemas will be required.

Since the 1920s, with the invention of talking pictures, movies have been filmed and projected at 24 frames per second. It is believed that this standard was set because it was the lowest frame rate to produce acceptable sound quality at the time. Due to the sheer cost of film, along with the associated expenses to develop and print it, the industry chose this minimum rate and this has remained standard for the past ninety years.

Technology has advanced over this time. We now have movies in colour, Dolby Digital sound, huge Vmax screens, CGI, stadium seating, cup holders and frozen Coke, but the frame rate hasn’t changed. There are image quality issues with the current standard such as blurring during fast action scenes or quick camera movements. There is also the tendency for viewers to get eye strain when watching 3D movies at 24 frames per second.

The main benefits for the rate upgrade, according to Jackson, will be the resolution of the blurring and eye strain issues, plus “a much more lifelike and comfortable viewing experience.” Of course, most film projectors currently operating in cinemas cannot just be made to run at double their current speed so will need to be replaced. Digital projectors may only need a software upgrade.

There is some debate online about whether this new frame rate should be permanent. Film purists argue that 24 frames per second give movies their ethereal, dream-like quality, and there is no need for cinema to look the same as real life.

I agree with this notion. Despite the fact that I leave most 3D movies feeling like I have spent two hours having someone poking me in the eyeballs with a blunt stick, I don’t believe it is necessary to upgrade the frame rate for all future movies. I view cinema as an art form. Art, by nature, does not have to look real. Is music recorded on vinyl less worthy than on a digital CD? Many would argue that vinyl sounds best. Should we replace all paintings with photographs because they aren’t real enough?

There are many methods used by film makers to alter the images that you see on the screen. Filters, film stock, lenses, depth of field, lighting and special effects are all widely utilised to make movies not look like real life.

It all boils down to a matter of choice. Do you prefer vinyl or CD, VHS or beta, blu-ray or HD DVD, Jacob or Edward? The proof will be in the pudding and personally I can’t wait to see Smaug the Dragon, Elrond the Sage and Bard the Bowman in stunning lifelike 48 frames per second in The Hobbit Part 1 when it hits our screens next year. I’m just not insisting that all future films be upgraded…yet. If I want all of my entertainment to be look like real life, I’ll just look out the window.

Published in: on May 9, 2011 at 13:46  Leave a Comment  
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Shooting the Shat

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 12th April 2011.

So you’re a controversial Hollywood actor, some would say a has-been, currently between jobs and looking for a gig. What do you do for a little income? You book yourself on a speaking tour and hope that your fans will shell out to see you do something you’ve never done before. That is, be yourself.

No, I’m not talking about Charlie Sheen. I’m referring to Captain James T. Kirk himself, William Shatner. The Shat premiered his William Shatner Live speaking tour in Sydney last week and over two thousand fans parted with $150 or more to pack the State Theatre just to be in the same room as the man also known as T.J. Hooker and Denny Crane.

In his introduction, Shatner acknowledged being nervous about his first ever speaking tour, especially after hearing the reports of walkouts and poor reviews for Charlie “Winning” Sheen’s similar enterprise the week prior. I’m pleased to report that Bill’s show did not disappoint and ended with a standing ovation.

I remember meeting Batman’s Adam West and being slightly underwhelmed. I have a dedicated and autographed picture which I’ll treasure forever but I certainly got the impression that West was just there for a payday and had better things to do. That certainly wasn’t the case with Shatner, who seemed genuinely pleased to be in Australia and meeting his fans.

I attended a private Q & A session prior to the show, where Shatner introduced us to his wife, Elizabeth Martin, who is 28 years his junior. Both previously widowed, the couple breed, ride and show horses. Being a little younger than her husband, Martin admitted meeting Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Captain Picard, Patrick Stewart and wondering how it was possible a spaceship could have two captains.

The main show consisted of an interview by host Jonathan Biggins, followed by questions from the audience sent via twitter. There was also the opportunity in the foyer for fans to submit questions. It was via this method that I managed to end up standing in front of a sold out State Theatre audience with a microphone talking to William Shatner.

In response to my question, Shatner confirmed that he will not be appearing in the new Star Trek film. He also added that he was disappointed to not have been included in the recent Star Trek reboot which featured Leonard Nimoy reprising his role as Spock.

Shatner was surprisingly candid throughout the show, explaining the events leading up to the tragic death by drowning of his 3rd wife, Nerine Kidd. He also discussed his close friendship with Nimoy and the animosity which still exists between himself and some of his Star Trek co-stars, particularly George Takei.

The Shat also revealed himself to be an environmentalist, making a passionate impromptu speech for saving Mother Earth. Heavily involved in environmental charities, he also told an amusing anecdote involving an amorous gorilla propositioning him during an appearance.

Infamous for his spoken word interpretations of pop classics such as Mr Tambourine Man and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Shatner ended the show with a special performance of Men at Work’s Down Under.

Having turned eighty this year (but looking sixty thanks to a little work I presume), William Shatner shows no signs of slowing down. With a successful live show on his hands and the second season of his new sitcom $#*! My Dad Says to record, The Shat looks set to continue going where no actor has gone before.

Published in: on May 9, 2011 at 13:41  Comments (7)  
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Why aren’t cassettes collectible?

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 3rd May 2011.

When it comes to music, many people have an affinity for vinyl. The gatefold sleeve is the perfect size to appreciate the cover artwork and design. The music somehow sounds more alive to the ears. And halfway through the album, you get to have a short intermission as you turn the record over.

For me though, growing up in the late seventies and eighties, the music format of my childhood was the cassette. There certainly was a record player at my home in Olola Avenue but placing the needle on the record was all a little too challenging for my coordination at the time. Playing records at the wrong speed was amusing for a while. Everything played too fast sounded like The Chipmunks, with the exception, of course, of The Chipmunks.

History has shown that cassettes were anything but collectable. They were small and cheap looking. Their size reduced any fantastic album art into a postage stamp and they tended to warp into a twisted mess when left in the sun on the dashboard on a hot summer day. And every now and then, the tape player would decide to eat the cassette, spilling the precious brown stringy contents of Through the Roof ’83 everywhere.

There are several notable cassettes that I remember fondly from my childhood. Despite my assertion that tapes aren’t collectible, I still have these gems packed safely aware somewhere. I’d love to update them to CD but so far I am yet to find them anywhere. I can’t enjoy the cassettes either because, just like a VHS player, I don’t have a tape deck anymore.

Magic Monkey was a soundtrack album to accompany the classic ABC series Monkey Magic. Released in 1978, it features the music of the Japanese band Godiego. My favourite tracks were the closing credit song, Gandhara, and the catchy theme song. I still can recite every word of the title sequence monologue. “In the worlds before monkey…” I’ve seen no sign of this album on CD even though the complete Monkey Magic series has been released on DVD.

The Disco craze in the late seventies didn’t last long. In fact, it came and went faster than The Village People movie, Can’t Stop the Music, could be written, filmed and released. But that’s another column, plus I own the soundtrack on CD. I may regret admitting that. Disco still managed to trickle down to children’s records and that brings me to two cassette classics.

Mickey Mouse Disco was released in 1979. It sold two million copies at the time, peaking at 35 in the US charts. Featuring vomit inducing disco versions of Disney staples such as Chim Chim-Cheree and It’s a Small World, it is pure saccharine. I’d love to cruise down Summer Street with my windows down pumping this album out. Alas, it is out of print in all physical formats.

Not wanting to miss out on the Disco dollars, the Children’s Television Workshop (and the letter C) released Sesame Disco in 1979 as well. Featuring Disco Frog, sung my Kermit the Frog and the English language destroying Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco sung by Cookie Monster, the album is a hoot and now impossible to find. Me miss me album of Disco.

My final MIA album is Father Abraham and the Smurfs. Unleashed upon the world in 1977, selling half a million copies, this album pairs the titular blue creatures with bearded Dutch singer Pierre Kartner. The Smurf Song from the album went to number one in sixteen countries, but my favourite track is Smurfing Beer (you don’t get drunk and it isn’t dear).

I’d also like to mention that there are several Young Talent Time albums on my must find list as well as two classics where the casts of A Country Practice and Neighbours attempt to sing popular songs, but I don’t want anyone to think I have bad taste in music.

Published in: on May 9, 2011 at 13:31  Comments (1)  
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Sydney’s long lost theme parks: part deux

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 5th April 2011.

Last week I revisited some of the much missed theme parks from Sydney’s past. They now sit abandoned and unloved, occasionally being revived as a filming location or a Samsung factory. I also revealed that I formally worked at Australia’s Wonderland as a roller coaster operator and had nothing to do with its demise on Anzac Day 2004. Well there are still more long gone parks to dredge up and I also worked at two of them. And no, I wasn’t responsible for their untimely passing either.

Magic Kingdom (mid 1970’s – early 1990’s) was located in Lansvale. To get there, you need to drive through an industrial and residential zone. Not so magic, eh? Some of the rides were sourced from Luna Park after it temporarily closed after the Ghost Train disaster in 1979. My favourite was the centrifuge ride that pinned you to the wall of the circular wall as it spun. I met a girl there in the eighties on the water slides. Her name was Candy and she was my girlfriend for at least an hour. I wonder where she is now. All that remains of Magic Kingdom are a giant shoe, the big slide and my broken twelve year old heart.

The Mount Druitt Waterworks (1981 – late 1980’s) is now sadly a derelict Garden Centre. It was the centre of an urban legend during its heyday. The legend goes that some naughty westies were placing razor blades in the joins on the waterslides. The flaw in the story is that the joins in the slides run perpendicular to the direction of the water so it would have been pretty difficult to lacerate anyone. A smooth bottom shave was more likely. I remember putting Freedom by Wham! on the jukebox there four times in a row. I’m surprised I wasn’t kicked out for that.

There is still a Waterworks in operation in Manly. It was featured in the 1983 movie BMX Bandits where a stuntman in a red curly wig pretending to be Nicole Kidman escaped from the bad guys by riding the slide, bike and all.

El Caballo Blanco (early 1980’s to early 1990’s) means boring horse shows in Spanish. Located in Catherine Field, the park featured Andalusian dancing stallions, a miniature railroad, water slides and a horsedrawn Omnibus. I went there on a primary school excursion and fell off a wooden fence. I still have the scar on my chin.

So now for my final two. I have skipped Australian Pioneer Village (1970-1991) at Wilberforce and the Smokey Dawson Range (early 1970’s – mid 1980’s) at Ingleside. Both were similar to Old Sydney Town in terms of theme and neither featured any rides. The Fox Studios Backlot park (1998 – 2001) was a blink and you’ll miss it attraction so I won’t give it anymore than this mention.

Intencity (1995 – present) were originally planned as mini theme parks to be located within Westfield stores. I worked briefly at the Parramatta location which featured video games and several high tech rides, including a fantastic centrifuge style attraction which spun cabins around to create real G forces on riders as they played a video game inside. Unfortunately, the rides didn’t last long as the owners discovered that people surprisingly only wanted to shop in shopping malls. Intencity still exist in several malls but as video game arcades only.

Sega World Sydney (1997 – 2000) was located in a purpose built blue cone topped building in Darling Harbour. Planned to be a major attraction for the Sydney Olympics, the park featured an indoor roller coaster (Rail Chase), a shoot ‘em up ghost train (Ghost Hunters) and a 3D motion simulator (Aqua Nova). I worked there as a manager in the Rides Department during my final two years of university. I loved it. Who wouldn’t want to polish the dodgem tanks and clean roller coaster brakes every night after close? I also got to play Sonic the Hedgehog at all of the home games for the Sydney Kings at the nearly Entertainment Centre. I miss my Sonic costume but I certainly don’t miss how it smelled.

Unfortunately, locals and tourists did not want to visit an expensive indoor theme park when they could explore the outdoor attractions of Sydney instead and following several overhauls of the ticketing and pricing structures of the park, poor old Sonic was put out of his misery. About a year before it closed, I was offered a full time job there. Luckily I turned it down.

Sydney has a rich and varied history of amusement parks. It is sad that the population of Sydney is not really big enough to sustain more than just Luna Park. I suppose also that the majority of tourists coming here are from countries with bigger and better theme parks. For many people my age and older who grew up around Sydney, these theme parks were an important part of our young years and even though they generally weren’t much chop, as a kid, they were as good as Disneyland.

Published in: on April 8, 2011 at 10:08  Comments (3)  
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Not-So-Wonderland: Sydney’s long lost theme parks

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 29th March 2011.

Growing up in the eighties, there seemed to be a plethora of “amusement parks” in and around Sydney, which in my head at the time, were the most exciting places ever. Nowadays, only Luna Park survives, albeit without a Big Dipper. Way back then, Sydneysiders were certainly spoilt with choice, although it could be argued, not quality.

If watching actors being placed in stockades and flogged was your idea of fun, Old Sydney Town (1975-2003) was the place for you. Without any rides, the park was a living outdoor museum where visitors explored the “authentic” building recreations which were populated with actors portraying the townsfolk of Sydney circa 1803. Despite an impressive recreation of Sydney Harbour, it was difficult to get over the bad acting, Coke machines, payphones and the fact that Old Sydney Town was actually just outside Gosford. The park is now available for hire as a location for film and television.

Some of the best days of my life so far were spent as a roller coaster operator at Australia’s Wonderland (1985-2004). The biggest park in the Southern Hemisphere at the time, Wonderland was home to the Bush Beast and Demon roller coasters, Space Probe 7, The Beach water park and Hanna-Barbera Land. My favourite memories of working there are helping to search for a crocodile that escaped from the wildlife park next door (we found it in the lake next to the Pirate Ship) and keeping my roller coaster open late so Robbie Williams and Take That could have a ride after their concert in the park earlier that evening. I should have grabbed an autograph. Sadly, Wonderland is now the Samsung warehouse beside the M4 and every night I watch my LCD TV, I think fondly of my days pressing buttons, checking seatbelts and cleaning up spew.

The Bullen family ran circuses in the seventies and eighties. They also operated three theme parks in what was then the outskirts of the outskirts of Sydney. Paradise Gardens (late sixties-mid eighties?) featured a boat ride which allowed visitors to see the many concrete dinosaurs dotted around a lake. There was also a black tubular water slide that dumped riders into a muddy dam. Sadly, Paradise Gardens is now Riverside Oaks golf course at Cattai. I’m unsure if the dinosaurs are counted as a water hazard.

Bullen’s Animal World (1969-1985) was located in Wallacia and its main attractions were a circus and a drive through animal petting zoo. That’s right, you drove around with your windows down feeding the wildlife. Of course, the hungry animals weren’t scared of people or cars and the screams of joy from children was often replaced with screams of terror as donkeys stuck their heads through windows snapping at anything resembling a carrot and slobbering everywhere.

African Lion Safari (1968-1991) also adopted the same drive through approach, however, this time with the windows very much up. Why go to Kenya when you can see the most bored giant cats in the Southern Hemisphere? As a child I remember going there with my parents and one of the lions bit off the bumper bar of our Valiant. When we sent a Ranger to retrieve it, he brought back a dozen, all stolen that day. The park also provided the local community with a disposal service for their unwanted livestock. Apparently classified ads for the free removal of sick or injured cows and horses ran frequently in the local papers.

The lyrics to the theme tune went, “It’s the African Lion Safari, it’s scary but nobody cares, cha cha cha.” I much prefer my lyrics, “It’s the African Lion Safari, it’s closed, that’s why nobody goes, cha cha cha.”

I’m really enjoying my little stroll, or drive through with the windows up, of abandoned theme park lane so for the first time ever, I’m going to continue with more defunct attractions next time, including another two that I worked for that have also closed. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my fault.

Published in: on March 29, 2011 at 11:53  Comments (3)  
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Classic TV shows you won’t find on DVD

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 22nd March 2011.

Have you ever wandered around the entertainment section of your local department store and seen how many TV shows are now available to buy on DVD? Surely there can’t be a demand for all of them? For every classic series such as Twin Peaks there’s a Golden Girls Season 5. Why buy the excellent Firefly box set when you can buy the craptastic JAG or The Anna Nicole Show? There must be someone buying this stuff.

With that in mind, there are still many notable shows that have yet to find a release on DVD.

“Holy chicken sticks Batman, we’re not on DVD yet!” That’s right, the campy Batman series from the sixties is still yet to be released. Starring the super serious Adam West as the titular superhero and millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, alongside Bert Ward as his youthful sidekick Robin a.k.a. Dick Grayson, there are apparently very complicated rights issues between US networks Fox and ABC, Greenway Productions and DC Comics preventing the Caped Crusader from making his way to DVD.  Why can’t there be disputes keeping Acropolis Now off the shelves?

The eighties series about the sixties, The Wonder Years, is also stuck in DVD purgatory. Starring cuddly Fred Savage as tweener Kevin Arnold and Danica McKellar as his love interest Winnie Cooper, the six seasons of this popular dramedy utilised many popular songs from the late sixties and early seventies. This is where the problem lies. With the licences for the songs limited to television broadcast only, each tune requires a new licence and royalty to be negotiated for DVD release.

Secret Valley was an Australian TV series broadcast on the ABC in 1984. Starring siblings Beth, Miles and Simone Buchanan, the show revolved around a holiday camp for kids. Strangely devoid of adult supervision, the camp was regularly terrorised by bully Spider McGlurk and his gang. It was a G-rated Lord of the Flies without a pig’s head. From memory, each episode ended with a flour bomb fight (take notes kids, bullies are best dispatched with flour, not body slams). The show was shot at the now defunct Smokey Dawson’s ranch in Terry Hills, NSW and the even more defunct El Caballo Blanco Spanish horse theme park in Catherine Field, NSW.

A spin off from Secret Valley, Professor Poopsnagle’s Steam Zeppelin was produced in 1986 and starred Justine Clark. Broadcast on Channel Ten, the story followed a group of kids from Secret Valley who build a flying red bus (as you do) to search for the missing six golden salamanders which when combined will produce a solution to air pollution. Apparently this show is still very popular in the UK, but then again, so is Benny Hill.

Both of these classic Australian children’s shows are not available on DVD. To be fair, equally daggy but awesome kids’ shows Pugwall and Pugwall’s Summer can be found on DVD.

D.A.A.S. Kapital was a sitcom of sorts written and starring the Doug Anthony All Stars. Running for two seasons on the ABC, the show featured Tim Ferguson, Richard Fidler and Paul McDermott as custodians of the world’s most treasured artworks stored aboard a submerged submarine that is owned by the Shitsu Tonka Corporation, a company that now owns the world. Despite a recent DVD release of Doug Anthony All Stars material compiled from the also MIA comedy series The Big Gig, this cult series is nowhere to be found.

If there is supposedly a demand for all twelve seasons of Murder, She Wrote (if Jessica Fletcher arrives in your town, leave because someone’s going to die), five seasons of Ally McBeal and one (but feels like twenty) season of Cops L.A.C., then there must be a market for my picks. And while you’re at it, why not also release China Beach, L.A. Law, Jim Henson’s Dinosaurs (not the mama) and Hangin’ with Mr Cooper? Write to your local member today.

Published in: on March 23, 2011 at 10:24  Comments (12)  
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WWE Films: now with extra cheese

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This column was originaly published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 15th March 2011.

I have a confession to make. I don’t mind watching a little bit of wrestling. Don’t tell my mum.

It has always irritated me when people say that it isn’t real. Of course it’s real. When you see a wrestler fly across the ring, he’s actually doing that. When he jumps off the top rope, that’s what is really happening. The notion that you are watching a legitimate fight is what is not real.

The outcome of the matches may be pre-determined and the storylines may be put together by a team of writers but why should that diminish my enjoyment? I know that Home and Away, Neighbours, House, Doctor Who and A Current Affair are completely fictional and I’m sure that it doesn’t stop anyone from watching them.

What I will concede, though, is that the ability to act is not necessarily a prerequisite to be a WWE Superstar. I would suggest big muscles and the ability to look good in lycra trunks is far more important. Subtlety is not really essential in the larger than life soap opera for (mostly) men that is professional wrestling.

So I find it extremely interesting that World Wrestling Entertainment has set up its own film studio to produce motion pictures vehicles for its biggest stars.

WWE was formally the World Wrestling Federation or WWF until a court case brought by the World Wildlife Fund in 2000 determined that the general public might get confused between bodyslams and pandas. I know I often do.

To date, WWE Studios has produced or co-produced ten feature films to variable box office takings and mixed reviews. There are another five on the way.

The Rock, or as he would prefer to be known now, Dwayne Johnson, starred in the first three, and most successful, WWE Studios productions. The Scorpion King (2002), Welcome to the Jungle (2003) and Walking Tall (2004) were all box office hits and cemented Johnson’s place as a legitimate breakout star. His charisma in the ring carried over to the big screen and although he did not become the Schwarzenegger of the noughties as was expected, he is certainly now a big name Hollywood actor.

The depth of the talent pool became somewhat shallower with the departure of The Rock as he retired his trunks and pursued acting fulltime. Next in line in terms of wrestling stardom was “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Arguably the biggest star since Hulk Hogan and responsible for reversing the fortunes of an ailing WWE throughout the nineties, Austin’s vehicle The Condemned (2007), a knockoff of The Running Man (2007) and co-starring Vinnie Jones, was a flop at the box office. Austin has gone on to several direct-to-DVD films as well as appearing as a henchman in Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables (2010)  although he is yet to expand his acting range beyond looking menacing and punching things.

With the relative failure of current Superstar John Cena’s two movies, The Marine (2006) and 12 Rounds (2009), WWE Studios changed tactics and chose to focus their productions on the direct-to-DVD market, with most films having a very short cinema engagement before hitting the shelves soon after. There also appears to be a trend of not stretching the limited acting abilities of the wrestlers by ensuring that the roles they play are not far from the grappling world. John Cena plays a former high school wrestling champion in Legendary (2010) and “The Big Show” Paul Wight portrays a dim witted cage fighter in last year’s Knucklehead.

With over six hours of WWE programming a week on pay TV, it could be argued that fans are unlikely to spend money seeing wrestlers in films when they can watch them for next to nothing on the box. However, there may still be some money to be made with low budget movies starring contracted wrestlers and B grade actors.

I suppose the lack of acting ability has never really stopped anyone from making it to the big screen. Just ask Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Jessica Simpson.

Published in: on March 15, 2011 at 07:11  Leave a Comment  
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