This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 24th January 2012.

There’s no business like show business. With the recent Wigglegate controversy, it shouldn’t be forgotten that for every part “show”, there is an equally important “business” component.

Last week’s dismissal of replacement Wiggle, Sam Moran, after five years in the iconic yellow skivvy, has brought condemnation from fans, and their parents, worldwide. Allegedly Moran’s contract was about to expire and it simply wasn’t renewed. Greg Page, the original yellow Wiggle, was back in good health and has returned. The original lineup is back together. What’s the problem?

The average span of a child’s interest in all things Wiggle can only be a couple of years before they move onto other things such as, um, Voltron and He-Man. I may be showing my age here. If your kids are going to fret that Sam has disappeared, just play the DVDs and CDs from Moran’s five year tenure over and over again. Isn’t that what they’re for anyway?

Replacing key performers in popular acts is nothing new. Several years after the original Brady Bunch TV series was cancelled, the cast was reunited for the disastrous (but somehow fantastically kitsch) Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Everyone returned, except for the original Jan Brady, Eve Plumb, who wisely stayed away. She was replaced by Geri Reischl for the short lived series.

Several years later, a sitcom The Brady Brides was aired, followed by a dramedy The Bradys. Eve Plumb returned for both and “Fake Jan” was never heard from again.

When Curly Howard of The Three Stooges had a stroke, he was replaced by his real life brother, Shemp. After he passed away from a heart attack (presumably from too many pokes in the eye), he too was replaced by not one, but eventually two “Curly Joes”. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Fellow Australian children’s entertainers Hi-5 seem to be changing their lineup continuously. Unlike the Wiggles, they are contracted performers and don’t own their act. As employees, they can be sacked just like you and me. Fortunately, my contract doesn’t require me to smile twenty four hours a day.

The resurrected Young Talent Time premiered this past Sunday night with a brand new line up of teeny bopper team members. If the show follows the format of the original series, team members get the boot when they are sixteen. Did anyone bother to inform new cast member Georgia-May? According to the official website, she is already sixteen. Assuming the show survives more than one season, Georgia-May’s run might be extremely short lived. Goodnight Australia!

I’m happy to admit that the TV interviews with the “new” old Wiggles have been pretty poor. If I was their manager, I certainly would never let them in front of TV cameras unscripted (and without a dancing octopus) again. Their apparent non-caring attitude towards the outgoing Sam has tarnished their squeaky clean reputation.  A simple explanation of the dismissal as a business decision would have potentially avoided the controversy.

An even better option, in my opinion, would have been to announce that the Wiggles are actually a group of Time Lords. Five years ago, the yellow one regenerated after defeating the Cybermen and last week, the Daleks forced him to regenerate again.

Alternatively, you could claim that the yellow Wiggle is a magical scarecrow who can remove his head and replace it with another, just like Worzel Gummidge. On second thoughts, stick with the Time Lord excuse.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th January 2012.

The awards season kicked off with the Golden Globes yesterday, however, the most important ceremony is yet to come. Every year, on the night before the Oscars, the Golden Raspberry Awards are announced to celebrate the worst in cinema. As a member of the Golden Raspberry Foundation, I take my responsibilities berry seriously. At the moment, members are deciding the nominees for the final ballot. Having wisely avoided most of the past year’s dross, I needed to watch a dud a night this week to make an informed decision. This is my Razzie diary

Monday Tonight’s delight is Just Go with It starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. I really want to like Adam Sandler but I’m constantly disappointed by his work. In 1995 I took my university friends kicking and screaming to the cinema to see Billy Madison, but they ended up loving the film. I guess his comedy schtick was fresh then. It certainly isn’t now. My test for deciding whether a comedy I’ve just watched is a dud is to watch the gag real. If the bloopers make me laugh more than the movie itself, it’s rubbish. Just Go with It is certified rubbish. There’s no chemistry between the leads and I’m not entirely sure what Nicole Kidman is doing here in a supporting role. I guess we all have bills to pay.

Tuesday Season of the Witch should be billed as part three of Nicholas Cage’s alimony trilogy, along with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Drive Angry. It’s like he has chosen a terrible hairstyle and decided to wear it for three films in a row…any three films. Remember how great he was in Leaving Las Vegas? It’s been downhill ever since. Ron Pearlman, playing an almost identical role to his one in Conan the Barbarian, is probably the best thing in this disaster. He plays a disillusioned Crusader knight, alongside Cage, who decides to take an accused witch to a monastery in order to stop the Black Plague. As you do.

Wednesday I can’t believe that Ivan Reitman directed both Ghostbusters and No Strings Attached.  This so-so romantic comedy stars Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. Kutcher isn’t nearly as terrible as his annoying character in New Year’s Eve (my pick for Worst Film). There’s a sense of smugness in all of his performances which I dislike. Oscar winners seem to choose lighter projects after their triumphs to prove their versatility. I prefer Natalie Portman in dramatic roles. As proven here and in the Star Wars prequel trilogy she should avoid comedies.

Thursday Arthur is a remake of the classic eighties comedy which originally featured Dudley Moore. In the title role this time is Russell Brand. I like Brand in supporting roles because I think a little of his comedy style goes a long way. I’m not entirely sure if he is acting or playing himself. No wonder Katy Perry left him. The best part of this film is Helen Mirren as Arthur’s nanny, Hobson. She has a gravitas that will overcome any crappy script, including this one. My girlfriend says she would happily watch this film again. I wouldn’t, but it certainly isn’t from the bottom of the barrel. Arthur passes my blooper test. The film itself is funnier than the gag reel.

Friday I can’t take anymore of this and go to the cinema to watch The Muppets instead.

This column was originally posted in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th January 2012.

They’ve been absent from popular culture for many years but if you’ve been anywhere near a television or magazine in the past few months, you will know that they are back. They’re annoyingly cute little people, singing and dancing at the drop of a hat, and led by an even more annoying father figure. No, I’m not talking about Young Talent Time. It’s the Smurfs.

The Smurfs were the brainchild of Peyo, a Belgian cartoonist. First published in 1958, it wasn’t until the eighties that Smurfmania hit Aussie shores. At the time, Smurf figurines were exclusively available via BP service stations. I remember harassing my Dad whenever we filled up at a BP to buy me the latest Smurf. I eventually amassed quite a collection and even had two mushroom houses. I really should find these again in my parents’ basement. They might be worth something.

There was the cartoon series on TV as well, which spawned that irritatingly catchy theme tune that will never leave your head once you hear it. Sing along with me. La la la la la la, la, la la la la. Yep, you’re now infected. I’ve also got a few cassettes of the Smurfs singing bizarre songs about Smurfin’ Beer (tea with honey) and such.

Of course, just like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Pokemon, Rubik’s Cubes and Lindsay Lohan, the general public eventually lost interest and the Smurfs were tossed onto the scrapheap of past fads.

Fast forward a decade or three and our little blue friends with communist tendencies (that’s for another column) have returned. The original cartoons have been reissued on DVD, complete with a Smurf figurine in the box. A new live action feature film, with CGI Smurfs, was released in cinemas in 3D last year and has just hit video stores and shelves.

The spearhead of the Smurf invasion this time comes via our phones, rather than TV or cinema screens. The Smurfs’ Village for iPhone and android phones is an award winning game that is sweeping the world. When I say award winning, I mean that this past year, The Smurfs’ Village won a 2011 Choice Shonky Award.

You see, the game is free to download and the premise is easy. Similar to SimCity and Farmville, the object of the game is to grow and develop your village. Starting with a few Smurf workers and guided by Papa Smurf, you must grow crops, build houses and slowly build up your population. After a few easy levels, the objectives become time based. And by that, I mean extended periods of time. Growing a crop of golden corn takes ten hours. Papa Smurf will often send two workers away for a mission taking 24 hours.

For those players, such as me, with minimal patience, Smurfberries allow you to bypass the clock and make crops grow and complete missions instantly. They can also be used to purchase extra items for your village which will also help you move to the next level faster. You start the game with a few berries but then you must buy them, with real money. 50 Smurfberries will set you back $5.49. 2000 Smurfberries (yes, this is actually an option) will cost $109.99.

From a consumer perspective, this game is deserving of its shonky title. It is really easy to rack up a large bill on your (or your parent’s) iTunes account. There are reports of gamers unknowingly spending hundreds of dollars on Smurfberries.

From a capitalist view, it is brilliant. Charge people money to buy virtual currency to purchase virtual features for their virtual village. It really is money for nothing. Why didn’t I think of this?

Be warned, The Smurfs’ Village is extremely addictive. This writer got up at 4am this morning to harvest some virtual tomatoes just to avoid paying for Smurfberries…again. My village is now at level 14 and I have 25 hard working (they don’t sleep) Smurfs under my control. How does this game end anyway? Probably when I lose interest (likely) or go broke (even more likely).

The Smurfs are back and they are taking over the world, one iTunes account at a time.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 3rd January 2012.

A long time ago, in an Erinsborough far, far away, the beloved Neighbours character Jim Robinson suffered a major heart attack and passed away on screen, right before a commercial break. This was way back in 1993, when people actually watched Neighbours and on-screen deaths were rare. Most departing characters simply moved to Brisbane to live with Scott and Charlene.

After eight long years of service to Grundy Television, Kiwi actor Alan Dale was departing the soapie, and a regular income, with his dignity intact and no embarrassing attempts at singing to speak of. Well, there was the dreadful 1989 Christmas With Your Neighbours album but being a Christmas album, it was meant to be dreadful (I hope).

Typecast as “Jim from Neighbours”, Dale found it difficult to get work in Australia. With nothing to lose, he relocated his family to the USA where there was potentially a need for fresh faces in the mature actor niche.

The rest, as they say, is pretty interesting. “Jim from Neighbours” managed to overcome the spectre of Australian typecasting and went on to appear in almost every US television show going as the “serious looking authoritarian figure with something to hide.”

He was Caleb Nichol, a serious looking authoritarian figure with something to hide in the hit series that introduced the world to talent vacuum Mischa Barton, The O.C. After his character was killed off with a heart attack, he went on to star in Ugly Betty as Bradford Meade, a serious looking authoritarian figure with something to hide. After his character was again killed off with a heart attack, Dale went on to feature in the brain bending Lost as Charles Widmore, a serious looking authoritarian figure with something to hide but no known cardiac history.

There really was no stopping “Jim from Neighbours.”

Whenever you switched on a television, there he was in a guest role. His credits are pretty much the contents of my DVD shelf. E.R., The X-Files and its spinoff The Lone Gunmen, Torchwood, Entourage, NCIS, The West Wing, JAG, Californication and The Practice have all been graced by the authoritarian and secretive presence of Alan Dale.

He was even the Vice President of the USA in seven “hours” of the rather silly but fun 24. As Jim (not from Neighbours) Prescott, an authoritarian VP with something to hide, he mistakenly placed President Palmer under house arrest, based on false evidence. Playing the third most powerful man in the world (behind the American President and Batman) may seem  an honour until you realise that two years later on the same show, Vice President Mitchell Hayworth was portrayed by Aussie ex-pat and “actor” Cameron Daddo.

Not limited to the idiot box, Dale’s career has also expanded to the silver screen. Last week, I popped the sci-fi vampire action thingy Priest into my VCR to find “Jim from Neighbours” playing his usual character, but in a silly robe, in eye popping 3D.

Most impressive to geeks everywhere, Dale was also cast in two iconic film franchises. He pops up as General Ross in the mediocre Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and plays the Romulan Praetor Hiren in the so-so Star Trek Nemesis. OK, so they weren’t the best films in the series but how many Star Trek and Indiana Jones movies have you been in?

He even has his own trading cards. That’s right, on ebay there is brisk trade in Alan Dale signature cards from his Lost, Star Trek and Indiana Jones and the Blah Blah Blah appearances.

Later this month, Dale will appear on Aussie cinema screens as Detective Isaksson in David Fincher’s remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

This year, all Australians (and New Zealanders) should celebrate the amazing career of “Jim from Neighbours” and his remarkable body of work, playing the authoritarian figure with something to hide, since shaking off the stigma of typecasting way back in 1993 when Jim Robinson of Ramsey St met his maker.

New South Wales, Australia

27 December 2011

Duped Pensioner – “It’s much better with curtains now”

An elderly Australian woman was shocked to discover that a 55 inch 3D LCD television that she had paid to have installed was in fact just a new window cut into her living room wall.

“I went out shopping when the tradesmen were working,” she stated. “When I returned they had gone and I was particularly excited to see that they had left the new TV on for me.”

The tech savvy septuagenarian could not find the remote control but assumed that it would be delivered separately . Grabbing her knitting, she relaxed in her favourite chair and was particularly impressed by the 3D capabilities of her new “TV”.

“The screen was blurry without glasses. I put my bifocals on and the whole world came to life in immersive 3D. However, when I think about it, that’s what happens whenever I put my glasses on.”

The woman enjoyed watching her new window for several hours, thinking that she was viewing a screensaver. She reported, “I was a little confused when my neighbour appeared on the TV mowing his lawn, but I heard he likes singing so I thought I might be watching one of those karaoke background videos.”

Later that night, the grandmother of seven was pleased when her new acquisition turned itself off at sundown, thinking it was an environmental feature.

She eventually realised she had been tricked several weeks later when birds started killing themselves by flying into the window and the cleaning lady opened up the new “television” to air the room after mopping.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday  27th December 2011.

In my annual wrap up of the year in cinema, we’ve so far waded through the stinkers and underrated gems that disgraced and graced the silver screen. After much deliberation (at least five minutes), it’s now time to announce my best films of 2011. Drum roll please.

3. Captain America: The First Avenger In the final lead up to The Avengers, the ultimate Marvel superhero team up, this year saw the release of Kenneth Branagh’s Thor and the far superior Captain America. Directed by Joe Johnston (Jumanji, Jurassic Park III), this action adventure got the mix just right. A likeable hero (Chris Evans) and a charismatic baddie (Hugo Weaving channelling Werner Herzog), combined with some amazing special effects to render Evans as a pre-transformation weakling, plus a not too complicated storyline all made for an enjoyable ride. The setting of the film in World War 2 gave the flick some real stakes too. The final five minutes of the film were essentially an ad for the next film but I was having so much fun to care. The 3D effects were OK too.

2. Rise of the Planet of the Apes “Rotpota”, as it has become known, was really the little film that could this year. Dismissed pre-release as another unnecessary remake, à la Footloose, this reboot of the original sci-fi classic franchise was a taut thriller that features the best motion capture performance so far. Starring as the CGI chimpanzee Caesar, Andy Serkis was a revelation and brought true gravitas to what was essentially a bunch of pixels. He truly deserves a much touted Oscar nomination, the first for such a performance. Directed by Rupert Wyatt, this is a seamless blend of live action and CGI.

1. Super 8 J.J. Abrams’ homage to the eighties films of Steven Spielberg was simply magical. A throwback to a time when movies for children were allowed to be scary, this was The Goonies, Gremlins and E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial all rolled into one. Abrams managed to elicit the most natural child actor performances from stars Joel Courtney and Elle Fanning since Henry Thomas left a trail of Reece’s Pieces to attract a certain alien. All of the Spielberg hallmarks were present: the single parent family, the military and the monster wanting to find its way home. In one hundred and twelve superb minutes, Abrams manages to encapsulate the wonder of childhood.

My notable mentions for this year are: Thor, Bridesmaids, Fast Five and X-Men: First Class.

2011 also saw the release of twenty eight sequels (that’s right, twenty eight). It shows that in the current financial climate, the major studios are not prepared to bet on original ideas when there are less risky properties and franchises to build upon.

2012 is already looking interesting with The Adventures of Tintin, Warhorse, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Muppets on the schedule in the first weeks of January. Have a great cinematic 2012!

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 13th December 2011.

Last week I ran through my cinematic disappointments of the year. Of course, I hadn’t seen New Year’s Eve at the time. Starring every actor working in Hollywood today and Jon Bon Jovi, this ensemble piece comes from those responsible for the similarly structured Valentine’s Day. A stomach ache inducing mix of cheese and saccharine, the multiple strand storyline eventually collapses under its own weight and like me, you’ll be counting down from ten with the stars, only because it means that the film is almost over.

It wasn’t all bad out there in the multiplexes this year. Here are my underrated or undiscovered gems for 2011.

Rango came and went without much fanfare in March. Directed by Gore Verbinski, the man at the helm of the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films, this clever and witty animated feature starred the voice talents of Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Ned Beatty and Bill Nighy, amongst others. Following a wise cracking pet chameleon who is separated from his owners and accidentally becomes the sheriff of a town inhabited by desert dwelling creatures, Rango is much more sophisticated than your average animated film  and will play strongly to kiddie and adult audiences alike. Admirably, it was released in 2D only.

A little while ago, I wrote a piece about the horror comedy Tucker and Dale vs Evil. A film festival darling, a thoughtless decision by a US theatre chain representative denied the movie a mainstream cinema release. Now available in Australia for rental or retail, this low budget affair tips the rules of horror films on its head as two well meaning hillbillies get mistaken for serial killers by a bunch of stupid teens. As the college students become more and more convinced that they are being “hunted”, they accidentally off themselves in hilarious and bloody ways. Starring the versatile Alan Tudyck of Serenity and Firefly fame, Tucker and Dale vs Evil is great fun and will hopefully find its audience on DVD.

Super, a very black comedy from James Gunn, the writer and director of splatter horror laugh-fest Slither, has just had its Australian premiere in November at the Gold Coast Film Festival. Reminiscent of Kick Ass, it stars Rainn Wilson from TV’s The Office as an everyday man whose life spins out of control after his ex-junkie wife, played by Liv Tyler, relapses and falls into the arms of Kevin Bacon’s crime kingpin. Becoming The Crimson Bolt, a super hero armed only with a monkey wrench, Wilson is joined by Ellen Page as his deranged sidekick Boltie.

Dark and violent at times, but laugh out loud funny throughout, Super really resonated for me. With the current glut of super hero movies on the market, it is refreshing to see a different take on your traditional storyline. In this case, the super heroes are much more disturbed and mentally unhinged than the villains. Super will hits Australian shelves in early January and comes highly recommended.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 6th December 2011.

With 2011 almost done and dusted, it’s time once again to review the cinematic good, the bad and the ugly of the past eleven months and 6 days. Admittedly, I didn’t frequent the cinema or video shop as much as in previous years but that didn’t help me to avoid these clunkers. Over the next few weeks, let’s start from the bottom and work our way to the top. Here are my worst films of 2011.

There were two fighting robots movies released this year and the one you should have missed was Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Directed with the subtlety of a Jeremy Clarkson rant by Michael Bay, this sequel was more than a two hour toy commercial, it was also a sales pitch for paracetamol. Robots clashed, people ran, things exploded, people ran some more and all in eye smashing, headache inducing 3D.

Shea LaBeef and Fergie’s husband returned for a payday, alongside franchise newcomers McDreamy, the guy from Being John Malkovich and Oscar winner Frances McDormand. Megan “so hot in 2004” Fox was canned from the production for apparently saying negative things about the director. I guess I’m out of contention for Transformers 4 now too.

After several stalled attempts, The Green Hornet finally arrived in January. Written by funny man Seth Rogan and directed by the imaginative Michael Gondry, The Green Hornet was strangely neither funny nor imaginative. Also starring as the titular super hero, aka Britt Reid, Rogan was obviously overstretched as he forgot to make his character likeable. Oscar winner Christoph Waltz lazily reprised his villainous character from Inglorious Basterds and I have no idea what Cameron Diaz was doing in this film.

The Green Hornet was also presented in pointless 3D. You know your 3D is terrible when the end credit sequence looks better than the rest of the movie.

Director Zack Snyder of 300 fame is another hack who doesn’t like to let story get in the way of the action. His effort for this year, Sucker Punch, is virtually unwatchable. Featuring Aussie actresses Emily Browning and Abbie Cornish, alongside High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, the film follows an institutionalised girl who escapes into an imaginary alternate world where she joins her fellow inmates as a team of kick ass fighters.

This misogynistic and violent tale is hard to watch and will make you want to escape into an imaginary alternate world where, well, you know the rest.

Finally, from the director of the original Twilight came Red Riding Hood. Would you like your movie with extra cheese? Starring doe eyed Amanda Seyfried as the doe eyed Valerie, this very silly film is set in a village menaced by werewolves. Torn between two suitors, Valerie seeks to unravel the source of the lycan menace alongside werewolf hunter Solomon, overplayed by Gary Oldman.

Did I mention that this film is sensual and romantic? That’s how I prefer my fairy tales. Director Catherine Hardwicke proves that lightning can’t strike twice with this retread of her previous sensual and romantic adaption of Twilight.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 29th November 2011.

On Sunday night, one of my favourite eighties TV shows was resurrected. With minimal fanfare, It’s a Knockout returned after a twenty four year absence.

Originally airing from 1985 – 1987, It’s a Knockout was hosted by Fiona McDonald and Billy J Smith. At the beginning of each episode they would enter the stadium in a golf cart and introduce a series of ridiculous challenges which pitted teams representing four Australian states against each other.

A guest referee would oversee the proceedings. Minor celebrities at the time filled this role, including Grant Kenny, Ricky May and Jon English, as well as Network Ten contracted talent such as Jason Donovan and Cameron Daddo.

The program was recorded just up the road from my childhood home, at Englefield Soccer Stadium in Dural. Surprisingly, I never attended a taping but remember being amazed by the stories from my school friends who went along. I recall being outraged at the time that audience members were split into groups and forced to barrack onscreen for a particular state.

I was particularly impressed that one of my next door neighbours was a cheerleader for the show. I ran into her several years ago. She is now the nursing manager for the intensive care unit of a major Sydney hospital. I bet she doesn’t have the It’s a Knockout gig on her CV.

The latest incarnation of It’s a Knockout is hosted by HG Nelson, Brad McEwan and Charli Robinson. The latter’s job is to interview the contestants and generally make everything seem so much more fun and hilarious than it actually is. Nelson and McEwan have a reasonable chemistry but their banter seems quite disconnected from the rest of the show, as if their segments were shot on a different day to the competition.

This is reminiscent of the similarly themed Wipeout show, which also featured two wise cracking hosts who were very obviously standing in front of a green screen in a studio far away from the stadium.

Both Wipeout and It’s a Knockout are filmed offshore, allegedly to take advantage of less stringent insurance regulations and contain costs. Wipeout and its various international editions, including Wipeout Australia, are shot in Argentina. Kuala Lumpur is home to the new It’s a Knockout, which is interesting, because when I think of whacky game shows, I definitely do not think of Malaysia.

The rebooted It’s a Knockout focuses less on the contestants and more on the action than the original incarnation. For me, this is counterproductive as it’s the human element which draws you in. Without some level of connection to the teams, the players just become Japanese game show cannon fodder for trips, spills and falls.

Gone also is the live audience split into four state groups. In its place is a small but excitable audience in a tiny grandstand. Presumably tourists who don’t care about whether NSW wins or not, the audience claps and cheers at the right times but based on the wide shots of the stadium, anyone in the grandstand would probably not be able to see the majority of the events. It is quite possible that the audience wasn’t even there for the games. With some clever editing, you would just need to shoot a couple of minutes of crowd reactions and send them home.

The continuous spruiking of a certain fast food brand was also annoying. Call me old fashioned but I prefer my ads in the ad breaks.

I know that It’s a Knockout is just another zany TV show but I’m being particularly critical because this one was a childhood favourite. The failed resurrection of Hey, Hey It’s Saturday last year and the imminent relaunch of Young Talent Time in 2012 prove that the TV networks are desperately running out of new ideas.

The problem with brushing the dust off old eighties programming such as It’s a Knockout is that its intended audience, nostalgic Gen Xers such as me, may have adored the show twenty five years ago but have now grown up. I’m no longer interested in Plucka Duck, precocious kids lip synching badly and people dressed up in ostrich costumes riding bikes. If the networks must go back to the eighties well, bring back the original shows as late night reruns.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 20th December 2011.

I’ve had some very reliable information that Christmas is coming soon. Apparently, tradition dictates that you purchase gifts for everyone you know. To avoid meltdown, follow my thirteen simple instructions to survive the silly season.

1. There’s nothing wrong with gift vouchers. If you have concerns that the recipient will know how much you spent on them, leave the price tags on all your other gifts so no-one feels left out.
2. Your family and friends will love receiving gift vouchers for specialty stores in towns hundreds of kilometres away. Not only do they get to choose their own present, they get to have a holiday too.
3. Avoid the temptation of singing along with the in-store music in department stores. They’ve done their research and found that it causes excessive spending on lab rats. Take your own music. I recommend a little Lou Reed to keep your Christmas generosity away.
4. Don’t agonise on choosing presents that perfectly match the likes and interests of the recipient. Just buy them anything. That’s what your loved ones have done for you. How else do you explain the Jack Vidgen and Susan Boyle CDs you’ll get this year?
5. A great choice for a present is a mobile phone. Nothing says I love you like a monthly financial burden for the next two years.
6. Got a geek in your life? Pick up the Star Wars blu-ray collection for them. The high definition transfer is so detailed that the once magical alien worlds, characters and spaceships are reduced to what they really were: cheap sets, costumes and plastic models. You’ll spoil Star Wars for them and they’ll be a more interesting person for it afterwards.
7. Don’t get upset that the shop clerk is slowly talking you through using the EFTPOS machine, even though you’ve already used one twenty times today already. With the stress of Christmas, you probably look a little tired, plus you’ve just tried to pay for your shopping with your Medicare card.
8. Concerned about whether your friends and family might not share the winnings from the Scratchies you bought them? Try scratching them before you pop them in the card to avoid any potential conflicts.
9. Do you have to buy a $10 Kris Kringle gift for someone at work you barely know? Postage stamps are a practical present that they probably won’t love but they definitely will use.

10. Trust me. No-one wants a digital photo frame for Christmas. They are this year’s equivalent of underwear and socks.

11. Buy your loved one two tickets to a concert that you really want to see and they are so-so about. You are almost guaranteed that they will take you, plus they’ll probably drive you too.

12. Glee is so last year. By purchasing one of their two hundred soundtrack CDs, you are supporting them to destroy popular music, one song at a time.

13. A pet is for life, not just for Christmas. Don’t buy anyone an animal, unless it is honey glazed or slow roasted.

On behalf of me, myself and Irene, have a satisfactory Christmas and eat cherries until you puke. I’ll be back next week with the best films and TV of the year.