There’s only One Direction and that’s towards obscurity

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 1st May 2012.

Am I the only one who doesn’t have a clue about One Direction? It seems that they simply appeared from nowhere. For about a week they dominated the media, including high brow broadsheet newspapers and every breakfast TV show on the air.

As a good columnist, I’ve done my research. One Direction is the latest boyband from somewhere overseas and every member is named Liam (pronounced “Lame”). They are also definitive proof that human cloning is underway.

I’ve had a listen to their debut album and as far as pop songs go, it’s completely inoffensive. The tunes are well written and catchy enough, although that’s more of a credit to the songwriters and auto-tune than the performers. The voices are nothing special but they blend together nicely.

The album cover and title puzzle me though. The picture on the sleeve shows the Liams all fresh faced and smiling, but the name of the record is Up All Night. I wish I looked like them when I’ve been up all night. I think a more appropriate album title for the cover art would be It’s Almost Recess.

On a recent trip to Sydney, I was shocked to come across the One Direction Official Merchandise Store in Pitt Street. Teenage girls were lining out the door to purchase t-shirts, shopping bags and badges adorned with the mugs of the Liams. You could even buy the complete doll set of the group for $200. I’m sure the store is a nice little earner for someone, probably One Direction’s manager. As far as I’m concerned, it would have been much more efficient to simply erect a big sign in front of the shop saying, “Attention teenyboppers, please drop your parents’ hard earned cash here.”

Apparently tickets for One Direction’s upcoming Australian arena tour have been selling like there’s no tomorrow. Most of the concerts are sold out and tickets have been appearing on ebay with huge mark-ups. If you are lucky enough to have acquired tickets, my advice is to sell, sell, sell. You see, the concert tour is scheduled for September 2013. That’s right, sixteen months from now.

Having survived the musical fads that were New Kids on the Block, Hanson, Backstreet Boys, Girlfriend, Bros, Milli Vanilli, Spice Girls, B*Witched and Daryl Somers, I’m pretty sure that the average peak popularity of these groups is less than a year. I did manage to avoid Bieber fever because I got vaccinated.

Whoever is pulling the strings on One Direction’s marketing is a genius. Make a fortune selling tickets now for concerts so far ahead in the future that it’s most likely that fans would have moved on to the next big thing by then. Trust me girls, list your precious tickets on ebay now because you’ll probably be giving them away next year. Use your profits to buy shares in a boyband marketing company.

It won’t be so bad for the Liams when One Direction inevitably fade into obscurity. They’ll still be young enough to go back and finish school. Primary school, that is.

Published in: on April 30, 2012 at 15:19  Leave a Comment  
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My Easter “Easter Egg” Hunt 2012

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 3rd April 2012.

It’s that time of the year again. The Easter bunny will soon be hopping down your chimney to deliver chocolate to good boys and girls in exchange for teeth. I’ve been on an Easter hunt myself and without any further ado, bring you my favourite Easter eggs of all time.

Did I mention that I’m not talking about foil wrapped goodies? Oh no. Easter Eggs are hidden features within DVD menus that are only accessible with the right combination of clicks on your remote control. So turn off that Rankin-Bass Peter Cottontail stop motion special that you’ve watched every single Easter, sort through your DVD collection and have an Easter Egg Hunt yourself.

Pirates of the Carob-bean At World’s End (get my little Easter joke?) is a horrible confusing mess of a film by anyone’s standards but the 2 disc DVD edition is the perfect place to start an Easter egg hunt. The second disc has a bunch of hidden features about the production of the film. The best is an amusing short on the search for the perfect peanut for Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow to fight over with his doppelgangers. Select The Tale of Many Jacks on the menu, press left then down twice and press enter when a black dot appears.

I’m a big fan of director Joss Whedon’s work. The Avengers is due to hit the silver screen in just a few weeks and I can’t wait to see Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and Hulk Hogan join forces to save the world. In the meantime, grab your copy of Whedon’s Serenity, highlight play on the main menu, press left and enter, and enjoy a short on the bizarre Japanese inspired Fruity Oaty Bars animated commercial that appear in the film. You’ll be singing along in no time.

This is Sparta! Zack Snyder’s adaption of the graphic novel 300 (how original, a film based on a comic book) has some amazing art design and some very hammy acting. On the special features menu on the main disc, select the home icon and then press down. A blood splatter will be highlighted and you can press select to watch an interesting short feature on how the director convinced the book’s author and Warner Bros that he could successfully adapt the original work into a movie (with extra cheese, of course).

The Spider-Man franchise is due for a 3D reboot this year. Some of you may remember a reasonably successful trilogy of films featuring Spidey from director Sam Raimi. The main feature disc has a plethora of Easter eggs, with my favourite being a CGI blooper reel. If the thought of witnessing Spider-man and the Green Goblin perform tai chi together amuses you, pop the original Spider-man DVD into your player, select commentaries, and click on the picture of Harry Osborne.

There’s only one Easter egg left in our hunt today, and it can be found on the Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith main feature DVD. Yoda may be a Jedi Master, but he is also a wicked breakdancer. To see him pull some fresh moves, backed by some popping Storm Troopers, select the options menu from the main screen, and then press 1, enter, 1, enter, 3, enter, 8, enter  to find the clip.

I hope you enjoyed my calorie free Easter egg hunt. There are plenty of websites that will help you to find more hidden content on your DVDs.

PS I finally finished The Hunger Games book and caught a screening of the film. It was good. That is all.

Published in: on April 22, 2012 at 13:01  Leave a Comment  
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A Letter to Sam: Wrath of the Titans Review

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 10th April 2012.

Dear Sam Worthington,

I paid to see your latest big screen venture, Wrath of the Titans, this week. In fact, I paid more than the standard ticket price. I also had to shell out an extra few bucks for a 3D surcharge. I’m not entirely sure why. I brought my own 3D glasses.

I guess you are about to explain to me that 3D digital projection technology is expensive and someone has to pay for its installation. Fair enough. Wait, aren’t normal 2D films also screened in the same cinema using the same projector? Are those 2D patrons also slugged a surcharge to help pay for the new equipment? I thought not.

I’d actually much prefer to be charged a Liam Neeson surcharge. I’d have no problem at all with that.

“I’m sorry Sir. This film features Liam Neeson. He’s a very serious actor you know. He can fight wolves with his bare fists and some shards of glass. He can make a threatening phone call that will make terrorists wet themselves. He has a commanding screen presence. Plus he’s just bought a new yacht. I’m afraid there will be a surcharge for this movie.”

I understand, Sam. What happens at the box office is out of your control. You’re job is just to act, which brings me to my next point.

I’ve checked your job description. Apparently acting requires the ability to become someone else. Not everyone has this skill, which is why filmmakers hire actors to appear in their films. This transformation into a character may even require actors to speak in a different accent.

So why is it, Mr Worthington, that no matter whether you are playing a blue skinned alien, a post-apocalyptic robotic assassin Terminator or an ancient Greek demigod, you seem to be have just stepped off a Qantas flight from Sydney? You’ve obviously learned combat and sword fighting skills to help you transform into Perseus, son of Zeus.  Is it too much to ask for a decent neutral English or American accent?

I pay to see your films because I love to see our local actors make it big in Hollywood. However, I already know that you are Australian. You don’t need to remind me every time you say something onscreen.

So please consider this letter to be some form of constructive feedback. Believe it or not, I did enjoy Wrath of the Titans. The creature effects were imaginative and well executed. I especially enjoyed the cameos from brilliant character actors Bill Nighy and Danny Huston, both sporting silly beards and random accents. The 3D was serviceable and not nearly as dark and muddy to the eye as the horrendous post-production 3D rendering of Clash of the Titans.

I look forward to your next film. May I suggest an Australian production next?

Sincerely,

PY

Published in: on April 22, 2012 at 12:58  Leave a Comment  
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First Review: Marvel’s The Avengers

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 24th April 2012.

It’s finally time for The Avengers fans to assemble. Starting with Iron Man in 2008, Marvel Studios, now a subsidiary of The Walk Disney Company, has slowly built towards this ultimate team-up movie. Brief scenes, often occurring after the credit have rolled, in The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America and both Iron Man entries have pieced together the formation of S.H.I.E.L.D., a peacekeeping organisation led by Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury. Can the silver screen contain all of these larger than life characters and satisfy casual and diehard fans of the Marvel franchise? The answer is yes, yes, yes.

Two weeks ago I was lucky enough to attend a preview screening of The Avengers. All I had to do was hand my mobile phone over to a security guard, sign a confidentiality contract and be scanned by metal detectors before I entered the screening room. Disney is obviously very aware that a pirated copy of this film could cost them millions in revenue. Not that I minded. It meant that I got to enjoy a movie without interruptions from annoying flashing mobile screens.

Written and directed by Joss Whedon, The Avengers brings Earth’s mightiest heroes together in response to an attack on humanity by Loki (Tom Hiddleston), Thor’s brother. Thor (Aussie Chris Hemsworth), Captain America (Chris Evans), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo, replacing Ed Norton) have little reason to trust or like each other and it’s this friction which allows Whedon to work magic with his trademark witty dialogue exchanges and put downs. There are many laugh out loud moments to enjoy.

Surprisingly, every major character gets their fair share of screen time. Even lesser known heroes Hawkeye and Black Widow, only briefly introduced in Thor and Iron Man 2 respectively, get time to shine. Tom Hiddleston’s Loki is appropriately smarmy and a worthy opponent for the team. With the vast majority of characters well established in their own feature films, only Jackson’s Nick Fury seems a little thinly drawn.

I saw the 2D version and there were only a few noticeable 3D moments. I’m not a major proponent of cinema 3D (I much prefer the brighter home 3D) so you’re definitely not missing out on anything by avoiding the surcharge.

The action sequences are well captured and the CGI is convincing. Loki’s attack on the S.H.I.E.L.D. flying helicarrier is breathtakingly good. The final showdown in New York City is a little reminiscent of a similar sequence in Transformers: Dark of the Moon but again Whedon’s humorous banter between the heroes saves the scene. The Hulk smashing things up also helps.

Forget The Dark Knight Rises or The Amazing Spider-Man, there is only one superhero film to see this year and The Avengers is it. Fans of Whedon’s Serenity will be pleased with a little nod to the cult favourite (think Wash). Make sure you stay after the credits for the now standard Marvel Universe credit cookie.

Published in: on April 22, 2012 at 12:54  Leave a Comment  
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The Simpsons Tapped Out Update and Universal Movie Tycoon Review

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 17th April 2012.

Back in March I wrote about a new game launched on iTunes that was so popular that it caused a server meltdown. The Simpsons Tapped Out, a time management game similar to Farmville and My Smurfs’ Village, was withdrawn from the Apple App Store a few days after release allegedly due to high demand on the servers of the game’s producers, EA Games.

It now appears that there was more to the game’s withdrawal. The thousands of players worldwide who had already downloaded the app were allowed to continue playing the game (and spend money on premium features). Within a week or two, reports started to flood into internet forums of lost game progress, missing characters and in-game dollars and points not being recorded.

My Springfield fused with another player’s town, leaving me with a mess of streets and houses that looks more like The Rocks than the orderly custom designed town my slightly OCD mind created.

Almost six weeks after the withdrawal and initial promises of updates and patches to fix the app, EA Games has gone quiet. The game is still missing from the iTunes store and there are no signs of any relief for the players who have already dedicated hours and hours of game play to Homer and company.

It seems that The Simpsons Tapped out was rushed out for release with major flaws and little beta testing. Apple has started to refund money to players but the lack of communication from EA Games may well have tarnished the cash cow that this game was destined to become, at least in the eyes of early adopters.

The void in the “freemium” game marketplace left by the MIA Simpsons has already been filled by a new franchise, this one based on movie making. Universal Movie Tycoon is free to download and celebrates the 100th anniversary of the famous film studio. As head of the studio, players get to build sets and remake famous films, selecting from an array of virtual directors and actors.

As expected, progressing through this game is painfully slow without spending real money on the premium currency of the app, Movie Magic. Unlike other games of this type, a couple of dollars seems to go a long way. There is, however, the ridiculous option of buying 5000 Movie Magic credits for $51.99. You could buy every premium decoration, set and building, upgrade every actor and director to the max and still have credits to spare.

Unfortunately there is no social functionality which is the norm for games of this ilk. What’s the point of building your own virtual film studio if you can’t visit other nerds online and leave them virtual gifts? Initially fun, the game soon becomes repetitive and boring. It says so much about the current sad state of the film industry when a game designed to promote Universal Studios encourages you to remake the same movies over and over again. So far I’ve remade The Fast and the Furious 33 times, Despicable Me 23 times and Seabiscuit 22 times. I don’t think this game will be on my iPad much longer.

Published in: on April 22, 2012 at 12:52  Leave a Comment  
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