Monthly Archives: February 2012

29

Feb. ’12

The Reef Review, The “Spooky” Workers and TV’s Alcatraz

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 21st February 2012.

I’d like to thank everybody who washed their car or mowed their lawn over the weekend. Now it’s raining again.

I like to support Australian cinema as much as possible. Unfortunately this weekend I chose to watch The Reef, a humourless thriller involving two good looking couples, a yacht and a hungry shark. Can you guess what happens? Whilst beautifully shot in Queensland, the plodding storyline makes the 88 minute run time seem much longer. The bland characters were paper thin, making it very difficult to care as they are picked off by Jaws one by one. Just like the characters, all I wanted to do was endure the experience and make it to the end. None of the promotional material for the movie suggested a feel good film so I suppose I wasn’t deceived. After all, the uplifting tagline on the box was, “Pray you drown first.” If you want to see your favourite actors from McLeod’s Daughters and Underbelly become fish food then The Reef is definitely for you. Avoid if your holiday later this year is at the beach.

 

Speaking of scary movies, have you noticed that the Southern Cross Ten kiddie bedtime commercial starring The Workers has been reshot? A bizarre hybrid of The Wiggles, Hi-5 and The Village People, these children’s entertainers managed to film the creepiest goodnight jingle ever, complete with creepy death stares straight into the camera, toothy robotic smiles and horrible harmonies. Not surprisingly, a newly refilmed version of their ad appeared a few weeks ago. Gone is the weirdness. Instead, none of The Workers look at the camera at all, opting to sing to each other instead. So are they putting themselves to bed, or the kids at home? For my money, make kiddie entertainment come in the form of men in skivvies, fairies or singing and dancing clones. Leave occupational stereotypes for their teenage years when you put them to work at a fast food joint to pay for their Proactiv.

 

Have you checked out Alcatraz, the latest TV series from J.J. Abrams’ Bad Robot, the production house responsible for head scratcher Lost? Starring Sam Neill (in boggle eyed, “you must eat meat” mode) and the rotund guy from Lost, Jorge Garcia, the series follows a team of investigators searching for the population of guards and prisoners who mysteriously “disappeared” from the famous prison island in 1963. As the inmates reappear in their former cells one by one and resume their former evil ways, the team have to track them down and work out who or what is behind this event. Whilst I am enjoying the show, I have some major problems with the storyline.

If the team’s HQ is underneath the prison on the island, why don’t they just close the tourist attraction? The prisoners will reappear in their cells and be caught immediately, instead of catching the ferry back to mainland to cause trouble. And why do we never see the team on a boat travelling to and from Alcatraz? If you’re not going to close the island, then why inconvenience yourself with a boat ride several times a day? Do they have to wait for the hourly tourist ferry each time? If Lost has taught us anything, only time and a polar bear will tell, perhaps.

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29

Feb. ’12

Razzie Nominees 2012 & Star Wars 3D

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 28th February 2012.

The Academy Awards may have come and gone but this year’s most important film awards ceremony is still yet to come. The Golden Raspberry Foundation, honouring the worst in cinema, has changed their format for 2012. Instead of being awarded the night before the Oscars, the Razzie nominations have been announced this past weekend, with the winners (or losers, depending on how you look at it) to be unveiled on April Fools’ Day.

This year’s array of schlock has seen renown thespian Adam Sandler break the record for the most nominations ever. Between romantic comedy Just Go with It and alleged comedy Jack & Jill, Sandler has racked up a craptastic 11 nominations. Of course, receiving a nod for Worst Actor as Jack and Worst Actress as Jill, helped a great deal. He’s also a writer and producer of Worst Picture nominee Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star which has bypassed Australian cinemas and will plop onto video store shelves in early March. It follows the adventures of a young man who hopes to follow in the footsteps of his parents and become a porn star. It sounds like it possibly might be the Citizen Kane of our generation, if Orson Welles’ classic was about a young man who hopes to follow in the footsteps of his parents and become a porn star.

As one of two Razzie voters in Orange (that I know of), I’ve already sat through many of the nominated abominations. There are still a few that I will need to witness prior to sending my ballot papers to Artesia, California, so unfortunately, Jack & Jill, Abduction, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 and The Hangover Part 2 are on my “must watch and try to stay awake” list.

 

Speaking of movie duds, I still haven’t witnessed the mess that is Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace in 3D. I remember how excited I was in the lead up to its original release in 1999. I had tickets to a screening at one minute past midnight on the day of its Australian release. The cinema was packed with fans. The Lucasfilm logo appeared and the crowd went wild. Then up came the title screen with the familiar John Williams fanfare to more screams and applause. The crawler text began.

Taxation? I’ve been waiting 16 years for the prequel to my all time favourite movie franchise and its origins lie in taxes and trade routes? The bubble burst. The hopes and dreams of millions of Star Wars fans faded away just like Yoda in Return of the Jedi. It was all downhill into the sarlacc pit from there. Besides the podrace and the double lightsaber duel, The Phantom Menace is truly awful.

No amount of expensive 3D conversion will salvage this movie. The only problem is that Lucasfilm producer Rick McCallum has announced that unless this initial 3D revision is a success, there won’t be any further 3D Star Wars releases, and I do want to see Episode IV in eye popping, headache inducing 3D! So, to do my part, this week I shall be purchasing a ticket to The Phantom Menace at the cinema and then going home to enjoy the original trilogy on blu-ray.

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14

Feb. ’12

Farewell Whitney, Dr House… Hello Steve Winwood

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 14th February 2012.

This past weekend brought the news of Whitney Houston’s untimely passing. When Michael Jackson died on June 25 2009, the pay TV music stations ceased their regular programming and switched to non-stop Jackson videos. This did not happen with Houston. I’m not particularly surprised. Although arguably as big in the late eighties as The King of Pop, Houston’s days as a viable creative or commercial act were long behind her.

I only own one Whitney Houston CD. I bought it in 1987 with the money I had saved from collecting aluminium cans. I lost interest soon after. In Whitney, that is, not in collecting cans for money. Most of her fans from the eighties probably did the same.

It is always sad when drugs claim a life, regardless of whether they were famous. In Whitney’s case, it is such a waste. The knockout voice had departed but she had real potential for a comeback as an actress. Although I don’t care for the film or Kevin Costner, Houston was showed charisma in The Bodyguard.

 

Why is it that every time I go to the new supermarket, they are playing Steve Winwood’s 1986 hit Higher Love? I hadn’t heard it for years, and then in the space of a few days, twice I’ve found myself singing along as I wander the aisles. They’ve obviously done their research. Somewhere in the world, lab technicians in white coats are testing the effects of Huey Lewis on the shopping habits of rats. Well, the Winwood certainly made me increase my expenditure. Unfortunately for the supermarket, I just bought my usual stuff and then went home to order a copy of Steve Winwood’s greatest hits CD online.

 

Fox announced the cancellation of House last week. After eight seasons, this current one will be the last. As far as I’m concerned, the show had flatlined years ago. Recent ratings would suggest that most people agree with me. There is no doubt that the acerbic Gregory House will go down as one of the great TV doctors of all time, brought to life by the brilliant Hugh Laurie (although someone should have taught him to hold his walking stick in the correct hand).

Although it initially made for fascinating viewing, House was very formulaic. If you were one of Doctor House’s patients, you might want to get another physician. You are guaranteed to get a little better, then much worse, then a little better, then much, much worse, whilst House’s team of medicos misdiagnose you over and over again on a clear perspex whiteboard. Eventually, you’ll survive but only after lots of convulsing.

As ratings began to slide, the producers and writers resorted to more outlandish and silly storylines. Dr House goes to the mental asylum. He finally gets together with Cuddy but they hit turbulence which results in House driving his car into her, er, house. He goes to goal and jumps over a shark whilst waterskiing.

If there are two things I’ve learnt from watching TV, it’s to leave town when Jessica Fletcher arrives, because someone is going to die, and to avoid being admitted to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (House) or Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital (Grey’s Anatomy). The medical staff are incompetent or way too distracted with each other to keep you alive. Try Eastman Medical Center and ask for Doogie Howser, M.D.

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07

Feb. ’12

Cinematic Showdown: Snow White vs Snow White

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 7th February 2012.

Every few years in Hollywood, two very similar motion pictures are produced and go head to head at the box office. This seems to occur entirely by accident. These projects are greenlit by their respective production companies and developed without any knowledge of each other until it is too late. Whoops. Too much money has been spent to cancel the project and it then becomes a matter of marketing and star power to determine who outmuscles who at the box office.

This year will witness the showdown of the “fairest of them all.” That’s right, it’s Snow White versus Snow White. But before we examine the tale of the tape, let’s have a look at some other cinematic similarity showdowns.

In 1991, we had the clash of the green tights. The low budget Robin Hood, a fairly straight adaption of the legend starring Patrick Bergin and Uma Thurman, was completely annihilated by Kevin Coster’s American accent and lack of moustache. Released two months later, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves also starred Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater and Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham (pretty much reprising his Hans Gruber character from Die Hard). It grossed $390 million worldwide and marks the moment that I realised I have an allergy to Bryan Adams. Both films make for arduous viewing but at least Patrick Bergin bothered to grow a moustache so I’ll take the underdog as my pick.

A few years later, we had volcanorama-rama. February 1997 saw the release of Dante’s Peak, starring new James Bond at the time Pierce Brosnan and a no longer Terminator 2 buff Linda Hamilton. It grossed $178 million worldwide. In June the same year, Los Angeles was decimated in the imaginatively titled Volcano. With star power provided by Tommy Lee Jones and a pre-gay controversy Anne Heche, the film grossed $122 million. Both movies have cliché ridden scripts and feature ridiculousness such as vehicles miraculously driving through molten lava so I’ll call it a draw.

A year later, just as the world was recovering from the volcano disaster, namely Tommy Lee Jones’ poor attempt to play the action hero, the earth came under attack from not one, but two, asteroids.

Deep Impact saw a planet led by US President Morgan Freeman under attack. To ensure that the human race survives, only eight thousand people can be chosen to live underground. With an ensemble cast including Elijah Wood and Robert Duvall, Deep Impact is more drama than disaster flick and grossed a respectable $180 million.

Two months later, the world was threatened again, but this time we had Bruce Willis to save the day. Armageddon also stars Ben Affleck and Billy Bob Thornton as members of a drilling team who are dispatched to the asteroid to blow it up from the inside, as you do. Despite the silly storyline, an awful Aerosmith theme song and a misleading title (hint: the film has a happy ending), Armageddon trounced its rival with a box office take of $250 million.

Both asteroid flicks are guilty pleasures but I’ll take the film with more pathos and less Willis.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s now time to predict who will win the battle of the Snow Whites.

In the red corner we have Mirror Mirror. Starring Lily Collins (daughter of Phil “Su-Su-Sussudio” Collins) as Snow White and Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen, this is being marketed as a family friendly action comedy.

In the blue corner, we have Snow White and the Huntsmen. A much different take on the fairytale, the trailer and poster features the ever wooden Kristen Stewart as an armour clad warrior Snow White. Aussie actor Chris Hemsworth will play the titular huntsman assigned to murder Snow White in the woods but ends up training her to defeat the evil queen, played by Charlize Theron.

Despite my aversion to Kristen Stewart, Snow White and the Huntsmen looks like the more interesting picture, however, I predict the family friendly Mirror Mirror will win at the box office. Let the battle begin!

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04

Feb. ’12

Good Night Australia: why the new Young Talent Time is irrelevant

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This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 31st January 2012.

To begin, I just want to state for the record that Young Talent Time changed my life…but not how you’d think.

Way back in the very early eighties, at the peak of YTT’s popularity, Johnny Young ran a chain of franchised talent schools around Australia. It may be hard to imagine now, but as a five year old, I wasn’t particularly confident, so as a way to bring me out of my shell, Mum and Dad enrolled me in the Western Sydney branch of the Johnny Young Talent School.

I remember enjoying the singing and dancing elements. All year we rehearsed our number for the end of year concert. The song was Magic to Do, which at the time I had no idea was the opening song from the musical Pippin. However, it was the drama classes that I remember being the highlight of my Saturday mornings. I’m sure we were just doing the standard games and improvisation exercises but it really awakened something in me. I’m sure that my devotion to the theatre and performing arts all began in that rehearsal room at Cropley House.

At the concert, I was allowed to busk in the foyer before the show. In my parents’ house there is still a framed photo of me in costume playing my tiny (and tinny) one sixteenth size violin. I don’t remember if I made much money. I doubt it. My entire repertoire at the time was a dozen variations of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Later that night, I was chosen to present flowers to the guest of honour, Young Talent Team member, Tina Arena. She kissed me. We haven’t spoken since. No calls. No dinner invitations.

My stint at the Johnny Young Talent School only lasted a year. I’m not sure why I didn’t go back. Not much later, Johnny Young closed down the New South Wales franchises and the school was no more. A few years later I started drama classes again. The gentleman who ran those classes previously managed the Johnny Young franchise and remembered me (but hopefully not my violin playing).  He became my agent and a brief career as a child actor began.

I wasn’t particularly surprised when it was announced that Young Talent Time was returning to our screens, and like most people last Sunday evening, eagerly tuned in. That is, tuned in during commercial breaks in the tennis. The new team danced and lip synched through a couple of recent pop hits, much like the original show. The team members were also individually introduced with video packaged, much like X-Factor or Australia’s Got Talent.

And here lies the problem. There are already vast arrays of talent shows on the air which feature young people singing and dancing. We’ve even moved on to other forms of young talent. Junior Masterchef anyone?

The set design with the big LCD screens resembled every other singing and dancing show on the box. And the team members remained dressed in modern streetwear. Where were the cheesy costumes and sets from yesteryear?

To give YTT its due, the team was appropriately racially diverse. As someone who thought he would be the first asian kid on the show, I’m glad to see that they finally have cast someone of asian descent. I guess in the eighties it was probably unlikely to find many asian children who sang and danced. We were all too busy learning the violin or piano.

Yes, the show was wholesome family entertainment but when was the last time you sat down and watched television with the whole family? With the advent of DVRs, smartphones and downloads, there are multiple ways to watch TV programs. YTT is no longer an event that must be watched at the same time together.

Refreshingly, no one is going to get voted off YTT. However, the lack of a driving storyline or ongoing competition is likely to give viewers little reason to tune in each week. The format is static. Watch kids perform some songs. That’s it.

The initial ratings success and then failure of recent retro resurrections, Hey Hey It’s Saturday, Gladiators and It’s a Knockout proves that there is a demand out there to revisit programs of the past, but not necessarily have them return in a weekly format.

The new Young Talent Time is now just another program in a packed schedule of shows which feature young talented people. The original show may have made stars out of Dannii Minogue and (my) Tina Arena, but in the era of reality TV, every show seems to be producing the next big singer/dancer/chef/celebrity, YTT is sadly unlikely to make an impact in terms of ratings or influence on today’s popular culture.

Goodnight Australia.

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